Thursday, August 31, 2006

and the fat lady sings!

I wasn't going to post about this, but I felt an obligation to all of my dedicated blog readers. You share my pain and my tears and offer emails and comments of support and encouragement, so I feel you deserve to share my laughter with me also.

Mistress is a blogger, but I can't tell you her blog name because it would be immoral of me to kiss and tell. The mistress regularly logs into my blog using an IP router so it 'disguises' her IP address. The dead giveaway that this is indeed her is that who else would be worried about disguising their address? This week she has been in Spain and Iran the very next day. Anyway, I don't care if she reads my blog, I am flattered that she is so infatuated with me!

I have a friend, a WORK colleague in fact, that created the user ID 'nautilus' so she could post on my blog. She had a template set up but had not posted anything on her blog. Anyway, this person I work with SWEARS alot, in fact she has SWORN everyday that she has worked at my place of employment, probably around the 15 year mark.

We were at work and my friend decided to log into her blog account, only to find that her password had been changed. Well blow me down! That is what happened when Mistress X hacked into my blog account, the passwords were somehow reset!

So being an EXPERT in the investigation field, my friend has made a few enquiries and has discovered that she has placed a comment on Mistress X's blogsite using her ID of 'nautilus'. Funnily enough, my colleague did not even KNOW Mistress X was a blogger! Circumstantial it may be, but in a CIVIL court you only need to 'tip the scales of probability', not 'prove beyond reasonable doubt' like in a criminal court of law.

My friend clicked on the 'nautilus' profile and indeed it took her to her blog title and chosen template set up. So we sat there and chuckled and chuckled. The Mistress was that desperate for comments on her blog that she had to hack into someone else's account, one of MY followers, to receive any comments on her post! So she not only wants to steal my husband, but she wants to steal my blog friends!

Anyway, now we get to the REALLY funny part of this story! My husband's first wife reads my blog. She has been the most amazing support to me (hello there SA!), and we email daily. I have never met her but we have the BEST friendship via email. It is a bit wierd really but I am so glad I 'met' her. First wife does not have a blog of her own, but comments frequently on my blog under her chosen user ID.

Now Mistress X 'knows' the first wife as both of them have had a few good sparring sessions in blog land. Mistress X knows first wife is a Metallica fan. Surprise! Surprise! The profile of 'nautilus' has now been changed and currently points to a Metallica page!

I somehow think Mistress X has barked up the wrong tree and assumed a classic case of mistaken identity! Perhaps one should never read anything into a persons comment or judge a book by its cover!

Is it 'Murphy's law' or the 'Luck of the Irish' that led to this discovery? I feel that this may just be the tip of the iceberg but this little black duck has let it slide like water off a duck's back.

And so the fat lady is now singing, or is that having the last laugh! HEE! HAW! HEE! HAW! But I gotta say the fat lady's favourite song is "These boots are made for walking".

I just can't seem to get the lyrics outta my head...."These boots are made for walking, And that's just what they'll do, And one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you....."

Come on guys, everyone knows this song. Turn up your speakers and sing along with me....... HEE! HAW! HEE! HAW!

You keep saying you've got something for me.
something you call love, but confess.
You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
and now someone else is gettin' all your best.

These boots are made for walking,
and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin'
and you keep losin' when you oughta not bet.
You keep samin' when you oughta be changin'.
Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet.

These boots are made for walking,
and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin
and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burnt.
I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
and what he know you ain't HAD time to learn.

These boots are made for walking,
and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!


That'll do Donkey! That'll do!

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Walking in the Mistress's shoes

ad iDISCLAIMER - The questions raised in this post are RHETORICAL. They do not require answers.

I feel cheated. It was rightfully mine and my husband gave it to you and for your own reasons you willingly accepted it. And yet I am the one being judged and told that I have no right to be angry.

Bullshit! I have every right to feel anger and no one is going to tell me otherwise. Up until this point I have only felt pity for you, but I guess I have turned the corner.

You stole from me. You took what was rightfully mine and then had the audacity to believe YOU were done wrong. How dare you treat me like the enemy! I did not break your heart. I did not lie to you. I did not steal him away from you. He was mine long before you entered the picture.

My husband should have been giving me the things he gave to you, but you stroked his ego more than me. I suppose that you were both suffering from low self esteem at the same time and found a 'fix' for your problems within one another. It was so much easier to smother the issues with lust than to address them and acknowledge your faults.

How dare you judge me! Don't sit there and try to attribute the blame on me for the 'lead up' to the affair. You haven't lived this life and you cannot make an informed decision based on the lies that he has told you.

Why was I behaving like I was? Do you know? I was desperate to feel important to my husband and desperate to feel loved, the exact same feelings you were experiencing. Instead of giving those things to me, he gave them to you. Yes my behaviour contributed to the affair. I admit my faults. But are you prepared to admit your faults and your contribution to this affair?

You should have walked away......regardless! You knew he was married and had children. Yes it takes two to tango....but it only takes one to say NO. This whole thing would not have happened had you done the moral thing and turned your back.

You asked me if I knew what your reasons were for loving my husband. I can make an educated guess. You were still suffering from the fact that both of your husbands had affairs on you. You suffered this excruciating pain, not once, but twice. You wanted pay back. You wanted to do the same. You wanted to understand the meaning of an affair.

Why did you inflict this pain upon me? To heal yourself and all the unanswered questions that remain within your soul? I wouldn't wish this pain upon my worst enemy, let alone an innocent person whose only crime was to fall in love with a man and commit her life to him.

Did you honestly think that by inflicting this pain and suffering upon another person it would help you deal with your demons and heal you? Does it make you feel better now? Because if it has made you feel better within yourself then I am glad I could be of assistance to you.

If it makes you feel better, after walking in your shoes, I now understand why you would take it. Afterall, having both of your husbands do the same to you, you must feel incredibly unworthy and unloved. Any man that showed you attention and made you feel loved and important you would hang onto regardless of consequence.

You asked me to take a walk in your shoes and unfortunately due to your choices I am now doing that. The only difference is that I will never look at filling the void and emptiness this affair has created by following in your footsteps.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Mistress sends a bill for 'services rendered'

The day my husband told me of his affair I called the mistress. My husband gave me her number but she refuses to believe this. She really did not want to speak to me so she called me a lunatic and hung up on me.

Later that night, when she knew my husband was out at a weekly engagement, she rang my home number. I was blown away, but I guess now she wanted to speak to me because it was on her terms. She called to tell me that my husband had called her and ended their relationship. The conversation went something like this :

Mistress X : "Is that Jane"

Jane : "Yeah it tis"

Mistress X : "It's Mistress X"

Jane : "How the hell did you get this number?"

Mistress X : "Oh don't worry I am not going to stalk you. I just called to tell you that John has ended our relationship."

Well 'not going to stalk you' took on a whole new meaning! I'd hate to see what she would do if she was going to stalk me based on her 'not going to stalk you' behaviour and actions!

Jane : "Yes I already know."

Mistress X : "Well you should know because you're his wife. I just called to say that I am out of your life and to wish you well. Look after him because I love him."

and then Mistress X abruptly hung up on Jane.

Well knock me down with a feather! She has finally worked out that he is married to me! I am so happy that she loves my husband and I so wanted to hear this from her!

Jane wanted to speak to Mistress X so called her back. And funnily enough Mistress X did not answer. Of course she was never going to answer because she was too gutless and it was no longer on her terms.

Jane called again.....still no answer so Jane left a message saying that she wanted to talk to her and that it wasn't about revenge and just asked her to call.

Mistress X sent a text message to Jane's mobile phone that said :

"There is no point in us talking. Consider me out of your life and look after him he deserves it. dont call me again and don't ever threaten me again"

Jane replied via text message :

"All I wanted to say was I appreciate the way you have stated you will leave us alone. We have both treated each other very poorly. I do love him and know that there is a huge amount of hurt on both sides. I know it is a long road ahead but I also know based on what we had we can make it work. He has been very honest to me about your affair but there is a hell of a lot he would not have told you about us. Please dont judge me on what you know as it is nowhere near enough of the picture. Ur affair will only bring John and I closer together so for that I thank u. And for the record I have never threatened you"

Now, my friends have asked me how I could be so nice. I did not hate Mistress X, and in fact still don't. I honestly meant what I said in my message...that I appreciated the way she said she was out of our lives and was going to leave us alone. I guess believing her was a big mistake, afterall she was so used to living a life of lies. What was one more?

But I have to say the response I got back floored me and probably tells alot about her character.
Mistress X responded :

"so glad I could be of assistance. I will send my bill for services rendered. the call is taped you threatened me. our family here suffers now leave us b"

What exactly is she saying here? With a statement such as "I will send my bill for services rendered" one can only deduce one thing from that. I only hope she has a permit and pays tax on her earnings.

Jane responded : "U R a real charmer"

Mistress X responded : "why thank you john always thought so"

Jane responded : "And who won?"

Mistress X responded : "you did jane and I honestly wish you well. i dont hate you. in fact i feel pity for you. all the best. are we done?"

I am so relieved that she doesn't hate me. I could not sleep at night knowing that she hated me. Of course she has reason to hate me doesn't she? I screwed her husband. Oh, no, hang on, it was the other way around! She screwed MY husband!

Perhaps I should send HER the account for my husband's medical tests to clear him from sexually transmitted infections!

Thursday, August 24, 2006

A simpleton could see

It has been 3 months since you told me of your affair. The emotion is still raw and penetrates deeply. It cuts to the very soul of me daily, destroying every ounce of worth that I had in my body. Like a cancer it has slowly consumed me, spreading to every cell within my being.

I find myself in a very interesting position now. I am torn in three. My head is in one place, my heart is in another and my body is also on a journey faraway.

My heart aches for what we used to have. My heart tells me that what we had was so special that it simply is not possible to lose it in the blink of an eye. My heart longs for the love that was so evident when we married. My heart yearns for the togetherness and closeness of 'us'.

My head is telling me that once a cheater always a cheater. My head is telling me the relationship was all lies. My head is telling me that you don't love me. My head is telling me I deserve better. My head is telling me I can't fix this on my own. My head is telling me if I meant anything to you, you would be addressing the issues. My head is telling me that this will never be repaired because you aren't prepared to put the hard yards in. My head is telling me that I should walkaway.

My body is telling me that it is exhausted, sick of the arguments, sick of feeling so worthless and let down, sick of crying, sick of living a lie, sick of dishonesty, sick of the lack of commitment, sick of struggling through the hectic schedule of daily life.

I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. I have come to realise that there is too much hurt to fix without a solid contribution from you. You and I will never be on the same page.

I am devastated. I am lonely. I am fearful. I am empty.

But I am not stupid and I can see that this will never work. I guess I have reached the first stage of my separation and that is realisation, isn't it?

'Stupid' by Sarah McLaughlin

Night lift up the shades
Let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now
For I am weak
And starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
It's all I can do to hang on,
to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

Love has made me a fool
Set me on fire and watched as I floundered
Unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
But you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
that dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

Everything changes everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
But deep in my senses I know

Now all I have to do is wait for my heart to reach the same place my head is and I will be on the road to recovery.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Maybe I am just kidding myself

Is this really worth the pain? I just don't know anymore. Why on earth did we both choose the hardest path? It would have been so easy to walk away from this marriage and all the pain that we are suffering now. Is it really worth it?

Tonight I am questioning whether or not this is all too hard. I am crying as I write this and cannot begin to tell you the emotions I am currently feeling.

I feel very vulnerable. I feel worthless. I feel totally unloved. I feel empty. I feel as though I am floating out of my body and that I will wake tomorrow to discover this was all a terrible dream.

It feels surreal. This isn't happening to me and my marriage. My husband and I love each other too much for this to happen to us. It must be a dream. He would never go out and have an affair. It has to be a dream.

My marriage has been torn apart and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make it easier. I don't know how to alleviate the pain. I try to focus on what we had before we both dropped the balls but I just don't seem to be able to toss those balls high enough anymore.

I want you to give me answers. I want you to acknowledge how your behaviour has contributed to this hell that I am putting myself through. I want to hear you tell me that it is worth it. I want you to make me feel important and loved again.

I don't think you are capable of giving me the answers I need. I don't think you are man enough to admit your faults. I don't think you want to address the demons that control your life.

You are a coward! You took the easy way out and you openly admit that to me. And you tell me "She is you". You could not bear to be away from me, so you found a replacement, a cheap and nasty imitation, only to discover that she could not fill my shoes.

Well maybe I need to take the easy way out for my self esteem. Maybe I need to move on to find someone that will love me like the man I married, the way I deserve to be loved.

Maybe I want to see you walk the journey of life in shoes that never quite fit and see the pain the blisters cause.

Maybe I want to cause you pain like the pain you have selfishly inflicted upon me and our children.

Maybe I want to sit back in years and laugh when you do the same thing to her.

Maybe I just want to sit back and laugh when you have nothing but your own company.

Maybe I am just kidding myself.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Sometimes I do not understand myself

Sometimes I do not understand myself. But you know what? I am not even going to try and work me out when it comes to this particular post.

My husband has been having an affair. He ended the relationship with his mistress after he realised that he still wanted the marriage. The mistress has not been able to handle this and has subsequently gone out of her way to drive a wedge between me and my husband.

For some reason she was out to 'get' me. I don't mean that in a physical way but her acts included SMS messages to my mobile, comments on my blog site, phone calls to my home residence at all hours of night and day and getting her 'friends' to send anonymous emails to me in relation to contact between my husband and her and many more acts of a harassing nature.

Her behaviour got me to the point that the police became involved and legal matters commenced. At this point she must have gotten scared as she set out to try and remove all the evidence I had against her, including hacking into my blog and email account and deleting all the comments and emails that were sent to me.

Well bugger me if I was not one step further ahead and had already sent these items to my lawyer! After she believed all evidence was destroyed I received papers from her lawyer in regard to my blog being harassing and intimidating and demanding I cease blogging immediately.

Well, hello? I did not ask her to read it! And further more you can't defame an unidentified person now, can you? The argument put forward was that the author of the blog was known. Well honey, if you want to send your friends to my blog then of course they're going to know who the author is after you told them! And then of course they are going to read the truth about the whole affair and realise it differs dramatically from what you have told them! But, again, not my problem if you choose to tell them about my blog.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, when she discovered the evidence still existed she has consented to the offer that was put forward to her. There was a condition on that consentual agreement and that was that I did not pursue my legal costs.

As my lawyer told me I had enough evidence to get a magistrate to grant me an order and then apply for ALL my legal costs to be paid by her. My lawyer was more than happy to run with it and told me I would be granted my application based on the evidence.

But you know what? I could not do it. And the reasons I could not do it was because I know she struggles financially and I did not want her children to miss out because she was stuck with paying thousands of dollars worth of legal costs due to her unlawful and irrational behaviour.

Why should those innocent children suffer at the hands of their mother and miss out because her behaviour was unlawful and unacceptable? I know how hard it is to be a single parent, both mentally and financially, and I just did not want those kids to suffer, so I agreed to the conditon.

I now realise that, unlike the mistress, I actually have a conscience. I only wish she had some form of conscience and thought about my kids when she decided to get involved with my husband.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Shattered Vows - You may kiss the bride

Celebrant to John

"Now John do you take Jane to be your lawful wedded wife?"

John - "I do"

Celebrant to Jane

"And do you Jane take John to be your lawful wedded husband?"

Jane - "I do"

John to Jane

"I promise that I will always love you and always treasure our friendship. I will cherish our marriage in good times and in hard times. I call on everyone here to witness that I dedicate myself to you Jane, and to our marriage. I want to share with you a relationship of love and tenderness and laughter. We stand together through our past, our present and our future, sharing our love throughout our lives."

Jane to John

"I promise that I will always love you and always treasure our friendship. I will cherish our marriage in good times and in hard times. I call on everyone here to witness that I dedicate myself to you Jane, and to our marriage. I want to share with you a relationship of love and tenderness and laughter. We stand together through our past, our present and our future, sharing our love throughout our lives."

READING - "When Evening Falls"

"When evening falls I'll look to you and there you'll be.
And I'll take your hand and you'll take mine,
And we'll turn together and we'll look to the road we've travelled
to reach this far.....the hour of happiness.
It stretches far behind us,
but our future lies ahead.....
A long and winding road
where everything means discovery.
All the hopes, new laughter, shared tears,
The adventure has just begun."

RING VOWS - exchange of rings

With this ring, I wed you.
Take it and wear it,
As a token of my love,
And as a symbol of all that we share.

Celebrant to Bride and Groom

Inasmuch as you John and you Jane have here, in the presence of us all, freely agreed to marry the other, and have made between you a declaration of marriage, I now, as the celebrant by whom your marriage has been solemnised, and on behalf of all these people gathered here today, pronounce you husband and wife.

And so John and Jane become one.

I feel like my whole relationship was and is a lie. Not only has my husband lied to me, but he lied to every guest that was invited to share the joy of our marriage. I feel like I have been cheated. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that these vows meant so much to my husband on our wedding day but actually meant so little.

I removed my wedding ring some months ago. It still sits on my husband's bedside table. That ring meant so much to me and I treasured it, as my husband did his. He still wears his ring and NEVER took it off, still doesn't.

It breaks my heart to see the symbol of my husbands love just sitting there but I cannot bring myself to put it on as it no longer holds any meaning to me.

I can honestly say I will NEVER place that ring back on my finger.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Shattered Vows - John's vows to Jane

John's personally written marriage vows to Jane

When I met you, I had no idea
How much my life was about to be changed
But then, how could I have known?
A love like ours happens once in a lifetime.

You were a miracle to me,
The one who has everything I had ever dreamed of,
The one I thought existed only in my imagination.

And when you came into my life,
I realised that what I had always thought was happiness could not
compare to the joy loving you brought me.

You are a part of everything I think, do and feel,
And with you by my side,
I believe that anything is possible.

Thank you for the miracle of you.
You are, and always will be,
the love of my life.

Shattered Vows - Jane's vows to John

Jane's personally written marriage vows to John

One of the greatest gifts of our realtionship
Is the comfort of knowing I can always be myself with you,
And you will accept me for being just that.

With you I never have to laugh when I feel like crying,
Or be quiet when I need to talk,
Or stay calm when I feel like getting upset.
You know when I want to be serious,
You know when I need to be playful.
When I am with you I am free to express my true mood.
You know when I need your help or advice,
And when I just need to know that you care.

Your support adds so much to my life.
You share my joy as if it were your own.
You feel my pain and you cry with me.
Thank you for understanding me,
Accepting me, and loving me as I am.

Your accepting nature has helped me to treat others and myself, more gently.
You concentrate on my good points while overlooking my flaws,
And you can always find something in me to praise.
You are so thoughtful.
You give me much more than is expected
ANd you expect much less than you deserve.

My life is enriched in so many ways by your presence,
for in you I have found the friend I've always wanted
and the love I'll always need.

I will praise you when you win,
and share your pain if you lose.
Always, I will accept you for who you are
and not for how much or how little you achieve.
I will strive to bring out the best in you
while forgiving your faults.
I won't expect perfection in either of us.

In the tomorrows we share,
I hope that I can be sensitive to your needs,
understanding of your concerns,
patient with your mistakes,
and comforting of your pain...
that I can give as much of myself as you need...
and all the love that you deserve.

Shattered Vows

My wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. I didn't experience any nerves at all because it felt so right. We were not worried about formalities at the reception or the style of shoes our chosen bridal party wore, because these things were not what our marriage was about. Neither of us were worried about the superficial things in relation to our wedding but our wedding was perfect.

We were married in the most amazing country setting, set beneath a huge tree looking out over a gorgeous valley and river in the company of our closest family and friends. Our wedding photos were taken on a country property overlooking distant mountains at sunset.

And as we lay in bed the following morning in our Presidential Suite at the local 5 star hotel where we held our reception and reflected over the previous day neither of us would have changed anything.

As I went through another box of papers in an effort to declutter my life, I came across the copy of my marriage ceremony written by me and my husband. I experienced mixed emotions as I read it. But here it is....


Celebrant - We are here today to celebrate and participate in the marriage of Jane and John who have asked us to join them on this special occasion. My name is Peter Smith, I am a civil celebrant, and I am here today to share with you the ceremony that John and Jane have composed for their marriage.

READING - "The Miracle of Love"

Love doesn't mean that you will never feel pain or live a life free from care. It doesn't mean that you will never be hurt or that your life will be perfect, with every moment consumed by happiness.

Love does mean that you will always have a companion, someone to help you through the difficult times and rejoice with you in your times of celebration. Love does mean that each argument is followed by a time of forgiveness, and each time of sorrow is far outweighed by all the tender moments spent in each other's arms.

Love is the miracle that can take two lives and mould them into one, take two souls and bind them for life, take two hearts and fill them with enough passion and tenderness to last a lifetime.

Love is a blessing that will lead you down life's most beautiful path.

To Jane and John

Jane and John before celebrating your marriage I am to say to you in the presence of your family and friends that I am duly authorised by law to solemnise marriages according to law. Moreover before you are joined in marriage in my presence and in the presence of these witnesses, I am to remind you of the solemn and binding nature of the relationship into which you are about to enter.

Marriage according to law is the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of others, voluntarily entered into for life.

To Family and Friends

This day marks the formal acknowledgment between two people who love each other. In these times, it is not always seen as a necessary step, but for Jane and John it has become so.

They want you to understand that they are willing to share their lives to the fullest as long as they live. We are here to acknowledge their shared hopes for the future, based on trust, friendship, mutual respect and making a home together.

For John and Jane, this ceremony is a public affirmation of their love; a chance to say proudly yet simply that they love and respect each other, and intend spending the rest of their lives together; and to include us in that affirmation.

They have shared the pleasures of parenthood, they have a home full of love and peace, a home with books and music, a home with lively discussion, frequent and valued visits from friends and family members. They have provided their children with security, dignity and love, and the opportunities to make the most of their lives.

They have learned the meaning of deep friendship, and have discovered that their love is in fact the ultimate expression of their friendship. It is this friendship that serves as the cornerstone of their relationship and as the reason for their decision to marry.

READING - Friendship by Judy Bielicki

"It is often said that it is love that makes the world go round.

However, without doubt, it is friendship which keeps our spinning existence on an even keel. True friendship provides so many of the essentials for a happy life - it is the strong foundation on which to build an enduring relationship, it is the mortar which bonds us together in harmony, and it is the calm, warm protection we sometimes need when the world outside seems cold and chaotic. True friendship holds a mirror to our foibles and failings, without destroying our sense of worthiness.

True friendship nutures our hopes, supports us in our disappointments, and encourages us to grow to our best potential."

Jane and John come together as friends. Today, they pledge to each other not only their love, but also the strength, warmth and most importantly, the fun of true friendship.

Next chapter -the handwritten vows of Jane and John

Friday, August 18, 2006

The meaning of "I love you"

What exactly does "I love you" mean?

To me those words mean commitment, sacrifice, loyalty, honesty. They mean forsaking all others, devotion and that warm fuzzy feeling that you get when you look at the person you claim to love.

"I love you" means working through problems and communicating your thoughts and feelings. "I love you" means striving to reach your full potential as a couple, developing an understanding of each others needs and trying to fulfill those needs.

It means being truthful and honest to each other. It means wanting to spending the rest of your life with this person and grow old together.

Right now my dearest husband I am not feeling loved at all. Why is that?

Because YOU chose to break your commitment, YOU chose to be dishonest, YOU chose to lie, YOU chose to have sex with someone else, YOU chose to turn your back on communication within your marriage and YOU chose to turn your back on the problems instead of dealing with them.

Now my dear husband YOU have a choice. YOU either wish to address these issues or I will turn my back, because the words "I love you" no longer hold meaning to me.

Words are cheap and actions speak louder than words!

Not ready to make nice

Dixie Chicks - "Not Ready To Make Nice"
From the CD "Taking The Long Way"

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Do you believe in Angels?

I have an absolutely gorgeous friend that has the biggest heart. She is just beautiful. She is the sort of person that has such faith in people that she does not see bad in anyone. It saddens me that people take advantage of her beautiful spirit and her generous nature.

We don't see each other often but just seem to know when the other person needs to be contacted. Right now is one of those times. I needed her. I needed to hear her comforting voice of reason. I needed her shoulder to cry on and her strength to lift my spirit.

I was with my husband and we were out and about late one afternoon over the weekend. We were in a light industrial area that is really only a weekday area but we were there. I had not eaten lunch and was feeling slightly hungry so my husband saw a petrol station and turned around to get me something to eat. And low and behold, guess who was at that service station?

My gorgeous friend was refueling her car at this very same petrol station.

We just stood in the driveway of that petrol station and hugged. She knew something was wrong and I was hesitant to tell her about my husband's affair. I don't want this to consume my life. I did not want to tell my gorgeous friend. But unfortunately this decision was taken out of my hands.

My husband was with me and he turned around and told my friend of his affair. I was stunned. Here was my husband standing in front of me acknowledging how he failed me as a husband. I was in such a state of shock that I cannot recall the words that my husband used, which is so unlike me. Ask my husband and he will tell you I have a memory like an elephant when it comes to remembering details.

But what even surprised me more was my friend's reaction. She then proceeded to tell me that her husband had an affair before they were married and she found out about it after they were married. She went on to tell me that this will bring us closer together and that her marriage is stronger than it ever was before. She told me that there was a deeper understanding of each persons needs in their relationship now and they had a greater depth of communication.

She did not only paint a rosy picture of the 'happily ever after'. She told me how she struggled with her emotions, and her inability to trust. She told me how it took years to overcome but how it has made her a better person. She also advised my husband of what he has to do to repair the damage that he has caused.

I really needed to hear these things. I really needed to have my feelings acknowledged and know that I am normal. I really needed to hear my husband acknowledge how he has let me down.

But I really needed to hear my husband say "I know it will take years but I will be there for as long as it takes. I just want my girl back."

My husband and I got in our car and watched my friend drive away. And it was only then that my husband realised that my dearest friend's number plate on her car was "ANGELS".

Sunday, August 13, 2006

A little acknowledgement would make a difference

I am really struggling at the moment. I have sat at this bloody computer for nearly an hour and written nothing! And now the tears have started to fall.

My mind is racing like you could never imagine. So many thoughts. So many unanswered questions. So many doubts.

One of the main issues I am having trouble coping with is the picture that my husband has painted of me. Why did he feel the need to bag the shit out of me?

Here I am giving my husband another chance after he had an affair. Here I am suffering everyday. I am exhausted emotionally. I hate the person that I have become, the product of the seed he chose to sow. He is reaping the harvest now. And what a crop! He should be extremely proud of his harvest.

My mother-in-law gave me a mouthful one night, telling me she did not believe anything I said because it was all in my head and that I was an irrational woman. This happened before I knew about the affair. But you know what? SHE knew about the affair at that stage, well before me, after my husband had confided in her.

Now as a mother I cannot justify her behaviour in supporting her son's affair. And when I found out she knew about it when she gave me a verbal bashing I was so irate! How dare an amoral woman criticise me the way she did when she was justifying and supporting her son's infidelity! But I guess that was all in my head, wasn't it.

And to top it off, my mother-in-law was having contact via email with the mistress. But that is another post in itself.

The mistress has called me a lunatic. She has portrayed me to be a crazed psychopath and accused me of being into "character assassination". She has stated I am "too self absorbed in my life of anger and pain" along with being "angry and irrational".

I have been portrayed as an angry and irrational lunatic and yet here I am suffering everyday. Ultimately it does not matter what people think of me. Exactly what has been said about me I guess I will never find out. But this is taking its toll. Why am I the one that has been judged and criticised? Why am I being blamed for my husband's infidelity?

The part that hurts the most is that these people have criticised me based on what my husband has told them. That hurts.....really hurts. It actually tears me apart. Because if I am such a horrid creature why has he chosen to stay here? I have told him numerous times to leave if he wants to be with the mistress. And yet he chooses to stay.

I vowed I would never fight for a man and I have not done that. He is here because he chooses to be here, not because he is subjected to any pressure or ultimatums to stay. I will never fight for a man because in my opinion he then stays for the wrong reasons. I enjoy my own company and I am happy to be single. My husband knows this and he knows that I will NEVER fight for him. If he chooses to go then I will never beg him to return.

I am just torn apart knowing that he painted this picture of me. I am trying to deal with this but at the end of the day I am the one that is struggling to cope. I know I will never receive an apology from my mother-in-law or the mistress. And I don't believe I will get an adequate apology from my husband either.

Some form of acknowledgement from someone of the pain and heartache that I experience everyday would make a difference to me. But instead I am the one that is criticised and judged and yet I am the one that chose to remain faithful.

It hardly seems fair and makes me ask the question if it is all worth it.

Have I chosen the wrong path?

I have accepted how my behaviour has played a part in my husband having an affair. I am happy to admit I am not perfect. However, I am not prepared to accept the blame for his choice to step outside the boundaries of his marriage.

I struggle everyday thanks to my husband's affair. I call him on his mobile and if he doesn't answer I am overwhelmed with emotion. Is he with her? Where is he? Why does he not answer his phone?

Everyday I find myself asking the question why I chose to travel the hard path. It would have been so easy to have seperated and been on my own. I enjoy my own company. I quite like weekends at home doing things I want to do. Every second weekend without children would have been welcomed. Imagine the things I could have done in my own company!

But instead I chose this path, a path that is so incredibly difficult. I am emotionally drained. I am exhausted. I feel so overwhelmed by the raw emotion that is constantly consuming me.

Unanswered questions haunt me everyday. Doubt is my best friend at the moment. Trust went down the drain the night he told me of his affair.

Friday, August 11, 2006

On the flip side

Before my husband told me about his affair I came across a fabulous book. Entitled "Love and Respect" and written by Dr Emerson Eggerichs, this book changed my life.

It is a book that is written about the behaviours of men and women within a relationship and how we look at things differently. The basic principle is as follows:

Without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love

A wife has one driving need to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need – to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy.

When the wife feels even more unloved, she reacts even more. Or, when the husband feels even more disrespected, he reacts even more. This ignites a greater reaction in each party and things get crazy and the pattern of behaviour continues.

Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly and easily. There is actually a website that has some great info. Learn about this book and the basic principles by clicking here.

I think this book made it easier for me to see how my behaviour has affected my marriage and contributed to my husband feeling unloved and eventually having an affair. However, it does not mean I accept responsibility for my husband stepping outside the boundaries of his marriage.

This realisation does not make it any easier for me, but at least I can honestly say I understand why my husband felt the way he did.

On the flip husband has also read the book and has also learnt alot about how his behaviour has contributed to my behaviour. We plan to read the book together so as to gain an even more thorough understanding about each other and our individual needs.

In one way I am actually grateful that he had the affair because it broke the crazy cycle. It made both of us realise the depth of our love for each other and how badly we have treated each other over the past 18 months. It also made us realise that what we had was VERY special and not something that you come across on a regular basis. It is worth saving and working on together. We were very much in love and shared some wonderful times together.

I just wish the emotional side of an affair wasn't so damn painful.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

The Fairytale of a Mistress - Part 2

So you won the man! What is it exactly that you have won? In your eyes you have won the ultimate prize, but it was there for the taking, wasn't it? Have you won your 'happily ever after'?

He says he made a mistake cheating on his wife, but he simply couldn't resist your charms. But you covered all bases and made it too difficult for him to escape the enmeshed web you have woven. He is yours!

But there is a little niggling doubt at the back of your mind. What if he does the same thing to me? You know he can commit....but you also know he can cheat. You tell yourself that would never happen because he loves you too much and he told you that you are the one that he has waited for. And you are already carrying his child, another part of the intricate web of entrapment you have woven to ensure he couldn't escape. He only did it to her because she was horrible and not as beautiful as you. However, you have noticed the way he talks about his new co worker.

He is constantly telling you about how intelligent and funny she is, and how bubbly her personality is, how infectious her laughter is within the office and how often she works out at the gym. He even tells you about her new hairstyle when she gets her hair done and how fabulous she looks, suggesting you go and see her hairdresser. But somehow he never seems to even notice when you get your hair done. She must be a real stunner, hey, and here you are feeling fat and ugly because you are carrying his unborn child, the child conceived out of the most amazing love.

But you trust him because he could never desire another woman like he does you. He has proven that to you because he left his wife and children for you. You are just being paranoid, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

He has taken on some extra work to bring in more money to buy all the things needed for your baby. You miss him alot because he always seems to be at work these days. He no longer talks to you like he used to when he gets home from work because he is simply too exhausted. You are feeling rejected and alone but you understand because he just wants everything to be perfect for the arrival of your baby.

And this continues after the baby has arrived because you are finding it really hard financially because of all that Child Support you pay to her, the evil selfish Ex wife, for those stinking little brats that your Prince Charming has every second weekend. They take him away from you, he is more focussed and committed to them than he is to you and the baby that you created together. You just want him to spend time with you and your child, but he just wants to spend every second of everyday he has with his other kids because he desperately misses being with them everyday.

The feelings of rejection and abandonement silently eat away at you. Like ivy slowly growing over a tree that once stood so tall and beautiful, it continues to grow until you are now starving for the oxygen that keeps you alive. You lash out at him and seemingly fight each and everyday over the most trivial things. That bloody ex wife! She is the reason for this, isn't she? She has really messed him up. It's all her fault!

And as you go through the motions of your mundane life, cleaning out the pockets of his jeans and jacket, to put yet ANOTHER load of washing on, you find a ticket stub for the movies, or a receipt for a dinner for two, or just something that makes you realise your are no Princess Charming and he is certainly no Prince Charming.

The Ex wife tried to tell you but she was just horrible wasn't she?

Thursday, August 03, 2006

The Fairytale of a Mistress - Part 1

He is very married and you know it. He is the "forbidden fruit", the unattainable. He is handsome, he is your knight in shining armour that has come to rescue you from your troubled and empty life.

He is a handsome Prince Charming, living 'happily ever after' with a woman who is not you. You are jealous and challenged at the same time. You want to become part of that fairytale. You want to live your life as Princess Charming, so you write yourself into the script. You turn on your charm and it doesn't take long for Prince Charming to notice you.

You realise that he wants you to come into his life and add some excitement to his charmed but mundane existance. He wants to feel the exhilaration and excitement of it all, because to him, you are also the forbidden fruit. You are the unattainable, and he wants that like any man wants what he is not supposed to have.

To give you the cruel pleasure and comfort that you crave you embark on a furiously passionate affair with another woman's Prince Charming.

You don't even stop to think about his wife. Why would you? Your ultimate objective was to take the goodies and leave Princess Charming with nothing. How stupid can she be, because you are both pulling something over her, aren't you? Who cares what she thinks anyway. If her husband didn't want to cheat he wouldn't have, would he?

So that means he is yours......fair and square. It doesn't make an ounce of difference that she did not know that she was in a contest for her own husband's affections, does it?

And the kids...well they are hers, not his in your eyes. He didn't want to have children anyway, but you know he ADORES his children. But that's OK, because you are a mum and you will take care of them, probably better than that angry and bitter woman that looks after them now. They deserve better too, don't they? And of course you can offer them so much after you've torn their family apart. You can heal the wounds that you have selfishly inflicted upon them.

You are his true love, and you know that because he tells you that all the time. He is madly and desperately in love with you. He can't wait to spend the rest of his life with you. So one day he finally leaves his wife and children to live 'happily ever after' with you.

Mission accomplished! You have got what you set out to get. You've got her man and you should be so proud of yourself! You've got the man that vowed his life to someone else...what an achievement! Not only have you got her man, but you've got those innocent kids father, finally a father for your own kids. Aren't you the greatest? Simply the best!

He is the man of your dreams, and with him you are going to live your dreams. It must be true love! Afterall, he broke another woman's heart, destroyed his family and his marriage just to be with YOU. You are so wonderful that he had to dump her for you. But she was horrible in so many ways because he told you so, didn't he? And you have no reason to doubt him because he is so desperately in love with you.

You have finally met your Prince Charming and the fact that he was married when you met him means that he can commit to you. You two were meant for each other so you will commit your life to each other and have children of your own. And you will live the will 'live happily ever after'.

Or will you?

The tiny window of hope - slams shut!

My husband is an extremely loving man. He has struggled over the last few weeks knowing that he has caused pain for not only me, but also his mistress. He would do just about anything to alleviate the pain that he has caused. Every single day he regrets his involvement with his mistress and constantly apologises for not trying to address the issues in our marriage.

The mistress has continued to email, call and text message my husband, the last messages being received last week. She has been calculated with her constant and manipulative contact, doing things to ensure a response from my husband. She has sent him items in the post, including a positive pregnancy test accompanied by a letter stating she terminated the pregnancy (after my husband contacted her she admitted that the test was one she had saved from her youngest child's pregnancy). But her objective was met as my husband initiated contact with her.

She even went to the trouble of deleting his entire blog which he did not have copies of the pieces he had written. But then magically some of his blog reappeared on a slightly different blogsite address. The new blog used all the correct profile and copies of some of his older written works.

She would text message him and state that she was going to place more personal details on her blog, knowing full well that he would contact her. She would email him at work with messages designed to get a response like this .

She even had her so called 'friends' hijack her computer and send me through highly edited copies of the emails between herself and my husband, giving me evidence of the continued contact between them. And yep, you guessed husband called her to tell her he thought she had stepped right over the line by doing this. And of course she pleaded her innocence! But again she had success...he initiated the contact.

My husband, being so loving and bloody naive believed that he could respond without consequence, hoping to eliminate some of the pain that he so willingly accepts he caused.

As you can imagine, this has caused great drama between my husband and I. As I constantly stated to him, while ever he responded to her manipulative ways she would never just dissolve into nothingness. She would always see that there was hope for her.

When I got home from work yesterday he was so excited and could not wait to share with me the blog site that he found. Here is an excerpt. The words speak for themselves.

He called me up!!!! I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw his number in my call records and my heart just skipped a beat!! Of course if I had seen it while it was ringing then I would have jumped on the phone and taken the call. Not desperate am i?!! I took the cowards way out and I smsed him asking “wat?”

I got a reply message saying “Nothing just wanted to check how you are doing?” Now what is that supposed to mean?? Is he worried about me? Does he miss me? Is he plain bored? Why is it that people say it’s difficult to understand women?!! Men aren’t simple themselves you know. I wish I could know what it was that he was thinking of when he made that call.

You know what I am getting hyper for no reason at all. Right now what really makes me boil is ….. I was getting used to desperation and darkness and out of the blue he comes and opens a tiny window of hope for me. However realistically or cynically (perhaps) I know that nothing is going to come out of this. My heart refuses to believe in it!!! Its as if….maybe he does love me….maybe he regrets…maybe….. How pathetic I am and what a desperate creature I have become? I have proof…..i have seen pictures of him and his fiancé together, happy as a lark. He must have been bored and thought why not give a call?

Worst part I responded to his sms, with the truth, absolutely no concept of self respect or self esteem came into my mind as I typed in that sms. It said “ Contemplating suicide seriously, always in tears, not able to live without you, can you do something about this”

The only difference between the two situations is that it is the mistress in my marriage that is continuing to keep the communication going.

It appears that my husband finally gets it! And it was only last night when he looked deeply within my eyes, gently cupping my face between his beautiful soft hands and said to me "This is exactly what you have been saying all along, isn't it?" that I knew his relationship with her was finally over.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

I silently turn the page....

I was sorting through some things today in my effort to declutter my life. I came across a photo of you, my beautiful boy, with the gift I sent you for our first anniversary together, not our wedding anniversary, but the anniversary of our first date.

I amazed myself at my imagination with my gift to you. Do you remember what it was? Yeah, I guess that was really a silly question, wasn't it? How could you ever forget a bright yellow 12 foot inflatable gorilla, that came with an inbuilt generator and fan to keep it inflated, holding a hand painted sign that said

"To my Darlink
I am still APE for you
Happy Anniversary"

And I as I sat there in my bedroom going through this box of seemingly endless trash, my memory started to turn the pages of the book of our love story.

On the second page there was an image of a young couple spoon feeding each other some deliciously sweet and smooth icecream. Do you remember this night when we laid on the floor at my house, listening to CD's and sharing a bottle of good wine and gourmet icecream? Things got really hot between us, I mean REALLY hot. Your desire was extremely evident but you got up and left because you wanted the first time that you made love to me to be really special. Well, I can honestly say that you left me feeling a myriad of emotions that night. I don't know if it was my deserted desire speaking or it was that you respected me so much that had the greatest impact.

I smile to myself and silently turn the page.

I see you in your kitchen at your house on the very first night that you cooked dinner for me. You went out and purchased some special glass bowls (we still have these bowls in the kitchen cupboard) and made me prawn cocktails as an entree. You assumed that I would be spending the night at your house and also purchased a brand new bath towel just for me to use at your house.

I remember having my shower the following morning and trying to dry myself. How difficult that simple task was because you had not washed the towel before use! I vividly remember standing naked in your bathroom waiting for the water to drip from my body. And how we both laughed about this after I explained the need to wash new towels to you!

I laugh to myself and silently turn the page.

I see beautiful romantic candlelit dinners and the way that you would sing and dance to me whilst we were grocery shopping and cluck like a chook to the deli assistants.

I remember our first ever argument where you simply looked at me and said "My darling I am not going to argue with you like this" and then simply hugged me.

I smirk and silently turn the page.

I see a stadium of 30,000 people all looking at you on the big screen at the pulic event that you were hosting. And I turn to look at you adoringly on the big screen as I subconsciously hear you mention my name, to hear you say you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and you asked me to become your wife.

My heart melts and I silently turn the page.

I see our beautiful wedding with us both passionately saying our vows that we wrote to each other, capturing the depth of our love for each other. I see the mountain views as the sun sets behind them and the photographer captures our first moments as husband and wife.

I see us lazily sitting on the jetty of our island that we rented for our honeymoon, shelling prawns and drinking champagne, whilst watching the dolphins swim past.

I dreamily but silently turn the page.

I see the surprise picnic you took me on for my birthday one night where you packed the most divine picnic hamper and we sat and again shelled king prawns and drank Moet on the shore of the lake whilst we watched the sunset. You gave me the most precious gift, a beautiful diamond pendant so you 'could always be close to my heart'.

With a broken heart I silently turn the page.

I remember the recent comment made to me from one of my closest friends, one of my bridesmaid's in fact, who showed one of her friends our wedding photos. Her friend commented on how much in love we were and that it was so obvious because we were looking lovingly into each others eyes in every photo. We always received comments like these from strangers who didn't know us but were simply blown away by how obviously in love we were.

As I turn the pages of this book I cannot help but notice the pages are well worn and dog earred. The spine of the book is cracked and the pages are beginning to fall out. The cover is torn to the point it is almost unidentifiable and the images and text have faded to almost unreadable.

And as I sit there holding the book within my hands pondering our life together, a page silently drops to the floor.

Where has this couple gone? What happened to the love between them that was so evident to everyone that came in contact with them? There is no doubt that there is love from both parties, and a lot of love. But why is it that the pages are falling from this book?

Is this book in such poor condition because it hasn't been treated with loving care?Can this book be saved? Is there room for another chapter, a chapter with the famous last words "And they lived happily ever after..." ? What is it that we need to do to write the next chapter?

Perhaps all we need to do is read the book together and change the way it is handled. With the love that we both have for books, and our passion for writing perhaps it is time we treated our marriage with the same respect as the many books we have in our home. Surely with all of the digital enhancing software available these days this book can be saved.
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