Saturday, April 22, 2006

How did this happen?

You left tonight after returning from interstate. Is it for good? I don't know.

I don't seem to know anything anymore. I have so many questions but I guess they will never be answered now. Why? How? When?

Why did our marriage fall apart? How did it happen? And when did it start crumbling?

I can basically answer these questions but I guess it all comes down to perception, doesn't it? And my perception is so different to yours. I guess that is the first real reason our marriage has dissolved.

There was no abuse, well, not physical anyway. Maybe you can call the fact that you did not spend any time with me or treat me like your wife as a form of emotional abuse, but I guess this is a matter of perception isn't it? And lets face it, you did not need to spend time with me cause I was always going to be there in the morning, wasn't I?

I feel so many things tonight. I feel shattered. I feel numb. I feel angry. I feel bitter. I feel sad. I feel hurt. The emotion comes like a tidal wave. One minute I am OK and then the next it just hits me and sees me breakdown into yet another relentless series of tears. I have not eaten for a few days. I just can't. I know I will be sick if I try to eat so I continue to drink fluids to keep going.

I didn't sleep last night. I couldn't. As I lay there I tried to answer the questions that I need answered and I just couldn't stop the flow of tears long enough to drift off to a place of rest, a place where I would be temporarily free from this pain.

I know things have not been good for a while, but I just did not think that it would come to this. You send me mixed messages and deep down I have been praying for you to see what I have been begging you to see. But I guess that is just never going to happen. I know I need to stay strong because I do deserve better and I will break this cycle of behaviour. And if the only way I can do that is to end my marriage then so be it.

I would give just about anything for you to hold me in your arms and love me the way you used to, but I know I have to be strong. Not just for my sake, but for our children as well.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.
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