Sunday, May 21, 2006

I so want to hate you.

Well it has been a month and I am more confused than ever.

I don't know what you expect or what you want. In fact I just don't know anything anymore.

You say you want the marriage but you don't want to work it out. You say you love me but you don't know if you can make me happy. You say my expectations are too high and yet when I ask you what my expectations are you reply "I don't know."

Is there any wonder I am confused? My heart is broken. Shattered in fact. There is not a single piece in its right place anymore. I am constantly in tears and my face and eyes are red and swollen throughout the day and night. I don't want to go out of my house or even answer the phone. I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

The hardest part is that you just do not see my side of the argument. You are so caught up in your work and football that you have no time for me. You just push me aside everyday and tell me I have no right to be angry because you "have never had an affair". Well I wish you would go and have an affair. I want to hate you. I want to hate you so I can try and move forward. But no matter how hard I try I just can't hate you.

I love you desperately, with every shattered piece of my heart. I just detest the way you treat me. You have no time for me. It's all about your job, your football, your mother, your ego. I cannot compete with the persons who adore you because of the self portrait that you have painted over the years. Women love adore your children, you cook, you wash and you iron. What else could your wife possibly want?

What I want is to feel loved instead of the incredible void of emptiness and loneliness. What I want are really simple things that would mean so much. Simple things like my husband hugging me in bed or sitting on the lounge watching a movie with me, going out for dinner or to the cinema, going out for a day trip to the wineries or even just to lay on a rug out in the open air and hug. Or waking up like I did one time with a little post it note stuck to my alarm clock saying that you were thinking of me and loved me.

Simple things.......really simple things. Actions that mean so much but yet are impossible for you to give. Not on a daily basis.....even once a month would be nice. But you don't even have that time available to me and you refuse to find it.

I want to hate you...with all of my heart my greatest desire is to hate you. Maybe that would end the pain and heartache that has consumed my life. Again tonight as I cry myself to sleep I will try and come up with ways to hate you. I just want peace within myself.
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