I silently turn the page....
I was sorting through some things today in my effort to declutter my life. I came across a photo of you, my beautiful boy, with the gift I sent you for our first anniversary together, not our wedding anniversary, but the anniversary of our first date.
I amazed myself at my imagination with my gift to you. Do you remember what it was? Yeah, I guess that was really a silly question, wasn't it? How could you ever forget a bright yellow 12 foot inflatable gorilla, that came with an inbuilt generator and fan to keep it inflated, holding a hand painted sign that said
"To my Darlink
I am still APE for you
Happy Anniversary"
And I as I sat there in my bedroom going through this box of seemingly endless trash, my memory started to turn the pages of the book of our love story.
On the second page there was an image of a young couple spoon feeding each other some deliciously sweet and smooth icecream. Do you remember this night when we laid on the floor at my house, listening to CD's and sharing a bottle of good wine and gourmet icecream? Things got really hot between us, I mean REALLY hot. Your desire was extremely evident but you got up and left because you wanted the first time that you made love to me to be really special. Well, I can honestly say that you left me feeling a myriad of emotions that night. I don't know if it was my deserted desire speaking or it was that you respected me so much that had the greatest impact.
I smile to myself and silently turn the page.
I see you in your kitchen at your house on the very first night that you cooked dinner for me. You went out and purchased some special glass bowls (we still have these bowls in the kitchen cupboard) and made me prawn cocktails as an entree. You assumed that I would be spending the night at your house and also purchased a brand new bath towel just for me to use at your house.
I remember having my shower the following morning and trying to dry myself. How difficult that simple task was because you had not washed the towel before use! I vividly remember standing naked in your bathroom waiting for the water to drip from my body. And how we both laughed about this after I explained the need to wash new towels to you!
I laugh to myself and silently turn the page.
I see beautiful romantic candlelit dinners and the way that you would sing and dance to me whilst we were grocery shopping and cluck like a chook to the deli assistants.
I remember our first ever argument where you simply looked at me and said "My darling I am not going to argue with you like this" and then simply hugged me.
I smirk and silently turn the page.
I see a stadium of 30,000 people all looking at you on the big screen at the pulic event that you were hosting. And I turn to look at you adoringly on the big screen as I subconsciously hear you mention my name, to hear you say you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and you asked me to become your wife.
My heart melts and I silently turn the page.
I see our beautiful wedding with us both passionately saying our vows that we wrote to each other, capturing the depth of our love for each other. I see the mountain views as the sun sets behind them and the photographer captures our first moments as husband and wife.
I see us lazily sitting on the jetty of our island that we rented for our honeymoon, shelling prawns and drinking champagne, whilst watching the dolphins swim past.
I dreamily but silently turn the page.
I see the surprise picnic you took me on for my birthday one night where you packed the most divine picnic hamper and we sat and again shelled king prawns and drank Moet on the shore of the lake whilst we watched the sunset. You gave me the most precious gift, a beautiful diamond pendant so you 'could always be close to my heart'.
With a broken heart I silently turn the page.
I remember the recent comment made to me from one of my closest friends, one of my bridesmaid's in fact, who showed one of her friends our wedding photos. Her friend commented on how much in love we were and that it was so obvious because we were looking lovingly into each others eyes in every photo. We always received comments like these from strangers who didn't know us but were simply blown away by how obviously in love we were.
As I turn the pages of this book I cannot help but notice the pages are well worn and dog earred. The spine of the book is cracked and the pages are beginning to fall out. The cover is torn to the point it is almost unidentifiable and the images and text have faded to almost unreadable.
And as I sit there holding the book within my hands pondering our life together, a page silently drops to the floor.
Where has this couple gone? What happened to the love between them that was so evident to everyone that came in contact with them? There is no doubt that there is love from both parties, and a lot of love. But why is it that the pages are falling from this book?
Is this book in such poor condition because it hasn't been treated with loving care?Can this book be saved? Is there room for another chapter, a chapter with the famous last words "And they lived happily ever after..." ? What is it that we need to do to write the next chapter?
Perhaps all we need to do is read the book together and change the way it is handled. With the love that we both have for books, and our passion for writing perhaps it is time we treated our marriage with the same respect as the many books we have in our home. Surely with all of the digital enhancing software available these days this book can be saved.
I amazed myself at my imagination with my gift to you. Do you remember what it was? Yeah, I guess that was really a silly question, wasn't it? How could you ever forget a bright yellow 12 foot inflatable gorilla, that came with an inbuilt generator and fan to keep it inflated, holding a hand painted sign that said
I am still APE for you
Happy Anniversary"
And I as I sat there in my bedroom going through this box of seemingly endless trash, my memory started to turn the pages of the book of our love story.
On the second page there was an image of a young couple spoon feeding each other some deliciously sweet and smooth icecream. Do you remember this night when we laid on the floor at my house, listening to CD's and sharing a bottle of good wine and gourmet icecream? Things got really hot between us, I mean REALLY hot. Your desire was extremely evident but you got up and left because you wanted the first time that you made love to me to be really special. Well, I can honestly say that you left me feeling a myriad of emotions that night. I don't know if it was my deserted desire speaking or it was that you respected me so much that had the greatest impact.
I smile to myself and silently turn the page.
I see you in your kitchen at your house on the very first night that you cooked dinner for me. You went out and purchased some special glass bowls (we still have these bowls in the kitchen cupboard) and made me prawn cocktails as an entree. You assumed that I would be spending the night at your house and also purchased a brand new bath towel just for me to use at your house.
I remember having my shower the following morning and trying to dry myself. How difficult that simple task was because you had not washed the towel before use! I vividly remember standing naked in your bathroom waiting for the water to drip from my body. And how we both laughed about this after I explained the need to wash new towels to you!
I laugh to myself and silently turn the page.
I see beautiful romantic candlelit dinners and the way that you would sing and dance to me whilst we were grocery shopping and cluck like a chook to the deli assistants.
I remember our first ever argument where you simply looked at me and said "My darling I am not going to argue with you like this" and then simply hugged me.
I smirk and silently turn the page.
I see a stadium of 30,000 people all looking at you on the big screen at the pulic event that you were hosting. And I turn to look at you adoringly on the big screen as I subconsciously hear you mention my name, to hear you say you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and you asked me to become your wife.
My heart melts and I silently turn the page.
I see our beautiful wedding with us both passionately saying our vows that we wrote to each other, capturing the depth of our love for each other. I see the mountain views as the sun sets behind them and the photographer captures our first moments as husband and wife.
I see us lazily sitting on the jetty of our island that we rented for our honeymoon, shelling prawns and drinking champagne, whilst watching the dolphins swim past.
I dreamily but silently turn the page.
I see the surprise picnic you took me on for my birthday one night where you packed the most divine picnic hamper and we sat and again shelled king prawns and drank Moet on the shore of the lake whilst we watched the sunset. You gave me the most precious gift, a beautiful diamond pendant so you 'could always be close to my heart'.
With a broken heart I silently turn the page.
I remember the recent comment made to me from one of my closest friends, one of my bridesmaid's in fact, who showed one of her friends our wedding photos. Her friend commented on how much in love we were and that it was so obvious because we were looking lovingly into each others eyes in every photo. We always received comments like these from strangers who didn't know us but were simply blown away by how obviously in love we were.
As I turn the pages of this book I cannot help but notice the pages are well worn and dog earred. The spine of the book is cracked and the pages are beginning to fall out. The cover is torn to the point it is almost unidentifiable and the images and text have faded to almost unreadable.
And as I sit there holding the book within my hands pondering our life together, a page silently drops to the floor.
Where has this couple gone? What happened to the love between them that was so evident to everyone that came in contact with them? There is no doubt that there is love from both parties, and a lot of love. But why is it that the pages are falling from this book?
Is this book in such poor condition because it hasn't been treated with loving care?Can this book be saved? Is there room for another chapter, a chapter with the famous last words "And they lived happily ever after..." ? What is it that we need to do to write the next chapter?
Perhaps all we need to do is read the book together and change the way it is handled. With the love that we both have for books, and our passion for writing perhaps it is time we treated our marriage with the same respect as the many books we have in our home. Surely with all of the digital enhancing software available these days this book can be saved.
posted by kissmekate at 2:34 pm
3 Comments:
This post made me cry because at each stage I could put my own relationship into it. It's hard to start reading the book together, my husband and I are trying, but the wounds are too fresh, the pain still too much and the trust that he's looking at the same page as me has gone. We'll keep on trying, as most of us will, but at the end of the day it may prove that the book is damaged beyond repair but we have to hope because ultimately hope is the only thing that is keeping our love for these philanderers alive and without hope we are left only with the pain.
I also, wholeheartedly, agree with nautilus and may steal that for my blog :-)
Rathgild I never intended for this post to make people cry. But it appears that it has had that effect on many people. I have received numerous emails from people who cried! Even my husband sent me an email after he read it saying that it took him 25 minutes to recover.
Maybe the sticky tape won't hold the pages in the book or the cover on it. But unless you try you will never know.
Why don't you start to read the already existing book with your husband? That is what I have started with my hubbie and we are starting to reconnect. The pain is incredible Rathgild, and the wounds are deep and fresh. But hang on in there. You will get through this and if things do not work out you will have become a better person from knowing that you tried to repair it.
This made me cry too. I have had a terrible few days; we have been doing counselling, trying to gain back respect and generosity and caring, but it just doesn't seem to be working. My husband had a horrible child hood, and he is full of anger and anxiety and frustration, and it comes up in so many ways, over so many years, and I am completely worn down. We have a sweet 5-year-old boy, and I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for sharing your experience with me; it really helps.
Carol
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