I've been having an affair!
I have come to the conclusion that shopping is like having an affair! And I have been having one hell of a hot and steamy affair the last few weeks.
I have had an absolute blast the last few weeks. I have been shopping and shopping and shopping. I have made purchase after purchase after purchase and damn it felt good!
I have purchased a gorgeous new solid wood bedroom suite and a stunning linen set that cost nearly as much as the bed did! I love my bed! And everytime I walk into my bedroom I am overwhelmed with how gorgeous it looks. I am now just waiting for the rest of the bedroom suite to arrive which includes bedside tables, a tall boy and sock drawer. I can't wait!
I have revamped my entire lounge and dining room. I have painted and changed the entire theme to African/Tribal theme. I have purchased the most amazing home decorator pieces and my house looks fantastic. My house is now very reflective of my personality and I just love it! I have also made a set of 9 mosaic wall tiles that I have hung in the entrance hallway of my house and they look so damn impressive!
Not only have I revamped my bedroom and my house but I have revamped ME. My other purchases have seen me purchase around 20 new CD's, a whole entire new wardrobe of clothing, a complete new range of make up and skin care. I love my new wardrobe of clothes and had an absolute ball culling my old items. Is this the new me?
My bed is MY bed, not one that has been shared with a third person (even though she was never physically in my bed, she was in spirit). My house is MY house and the new me is ME. I have felt very cleansed that I have revamped everything, the way I want it. I did not consult my husband and I did exactly what I wanted to do. Even my husband has made comment on the new me and the house. He LOVES them both!
The saddest part of this scenario is that I am back to square one after having come off my retail high. Despite loving my new environment and the new me, the same problems exist. I have discovered the last few days that retail therapy only provides superficial happiness.
I can have the most amazing belongings and clothes to wear but at the end of the day if I don't like who I am, what exactly do I have? I am so blessed that I have the most amazing friends but I think it is time I addressed the issues that the affair has and is causing me. I now realise that retail therapy is a costly band aid approach.
My discovery has made me again question the motive of a mistress. Is an affair providing her with superficial happiness? The more I think about my husband's affair and his mistress the more I am certain this was part of the obsession.
Are mistresses women with low self esteem and the inability to seek things that make them feel good? Do mistresses have underlying issues that see them seek out men that make them feel good about themselves? I mean let's face it, it would be a fairly empowering feeling that you have this man that has vowed to forsake all others sleeping with you, wouldn't it? Is it a power issue that sees a woman become involved with a married man, you know "I've got him" mentality?
My husband is a very lvoeable character. Women adore him and why wouldn't they when he speaks about his love for his wife and children openly in such an adoring way. Why would the mistress not feel absolutely flattered by his attention? Is this giving her the superficial happiness that she is silently craving? And the weekly visits...could they not equate to weekly shopping binges, giving the same feelings? And the phone calls... could they not equate to reading through some trashy mass produced junk catalogue left in your letterbox?
I have always allowed my husband to 'go window shopping' and never felt threatened by him looking at other women. As long as he swiped his credit card at home I did not care where he ventured. I am not insecure or a jealous type personality. My relationship was always rock solid and there was never any need to be jealous or feel threatened by other women.
Perhaps mistresses need to get a gold credit card, then they may not be tempted to swipe the credit card where it shouldn't be swiped! Or maybe the more moral way to deal with their issues is to seek help from a professional.
I know that I need to start addressing the issues that I have, but at least I did not need to ruin a marriage to work out what my issues are.
I have had an absolute blast the last few weeks. I have been shopping and shopping and shopping. I have made purchase after purchase after purchase and damn it felt good!
I have purchased a gorgeous new solid wood bedroom suite and a stunning linen set that cost nearly as much as the bed did! I love my bed! And everytime I walk into my bedroom I am overwhelmed with how gorgeous it looks. I am now just waiting for the rest of the bedroom suite to arrive which includes bedside tables, a tall boy and sock drawer. I can't wait!
I have revamped my entire lounge and dining room. I have painted and changed the entire theme to African/Tribal theme. I have purchased the most amazing home decorator pieces and my house looks fantastic. My house is now very reflective of my personality and I just love it! I have also made a set of 9 mosaic wall tiles that I have hung in the entrance hallway of my house and they look so damn impressive!
Not only have I revamped my bedroom and my house but I have revamped ME. My other purchases have seen me purchase around 20 new CD's, a whole entire new wardrobe of clothing, a complete new range of make up and skin care. I love my new wardrobe of clothes and had an absolute ball culling my old items. Is this the new me?
My bed is MY bed, not one that has been shared with a third person (even though she was never physically in my bed, she was in spirit). My house is MY house and the new me is ME. I have felt very cleansed that I have revamped everything, the way I want it. I did not consult my husband and I did exactly what I wanted to do. Even my husband has made comment on the new me and the house. He LOVES them both!
The saddest part of this scenario is that I am back to square one after having come off my retail high. Despite loving my new environment and the new me, the same problems exist. I have discovered the last few days that retail therapy only provides superficial happiness.
I can have the most amazing belongings and clothes to wear but at the end of the day if I don't like who I am, what exactly do I have? I am so blessed that I have the most amazing friends but I think it is time I addressed the issues that the affair has and is causing me. I now realise that retail therapy is a costly band aid approach.
My discovery has made me again question the motive of a mistress. Is an affair providing her with superficial happiness? The more I think about my husband's affair and his mistress the more I am certain this was part of the obsession.
Are mistresses women with low self esteem and the inability to seek things that make them feel good? Do mistresses have underlying issues that see them seek out men that make them feel good about themselves? I mean let's face it, it would be a fairly empowering feeling that you have this man that has vowed to forsake all others sleeping with you, wouldn't it? Is it a power issue that sees a woman become involved with a married man, you know "I've got him" mentality?
My husband is a very lvoeable character. Women adore him and why wouldn't they when he speaks about his love for his wife and children openly in such an adoring way. Why would the mistress not feel absolutely flattered by his attention? Is this giving her the superficial happiness that she is silently craving? And the weekly visits...could they not equate to weekly shopping binges, giving the same feelings? And the phone calls... could they not equate to reading through some trashy mass produced junk catalogue left in your letterbox?
I have always allowed my husband to 'go window shopping' and never felt threatened by him looking at other women. As long as he swiped his credit card at home I did not care where he ventured. I am not insecure or a jealous type personality. My relationship was always rock solid and there was never any need to be jealous or feel threatened by other women.
Perhaps mistresses need to get a gold credit card, then they may not be tempted to swipe the credit card where it shouldn't be swiped! Or maybe the more moral way to deal with their issues is to seek help from a professional.
I know that I need to start addressing the issues that I have, but at least I did not need to ruin a marriage to work out what my issues are.
posted by kissmekate at 9:03 pm
10 Comments:
shattered,
Your post caused me a little pain because unlike in your situation, my husband's mistress was able to get him to file for a divorce.
The sad thing about it is that she herself discovered at one point, that her husband had an affair. I'm not really sure what to make of this. Why would she ruin my marriage when she knows how it feels like to go through this? Is it because she feels that she has to cause someone the same harm that she felt? Is it because she was just plain attracted to my husband and my husband to her? Is it because she couldn't resist the kisses of my husband in that office? (My husband himself admitted to me after I discovered the evidence that he had an affair with this woman).
The only reason why she vehemently denies it is because it really irks her that I'm blogging about my experience. Too damn bad. Why is she ashamed all of a sudden?? Why?
What really makes me feel very sad is that Jeffrey refused to work things out with me - even after I found out about the affair. Instead, he totally stopped communicating with me and used this mistress-devil woman to communicate with me via email and hangup phone calls.
She lies in her emails that she didn't have an affair with my husband - but first of all, I have proof, and second, technically and unfortunately, we're still married, so yes- she continues to have an affair with him - even though they are not publicly committed - I'm absolutely sure they see each other on and off. (and you know what that entails)
I don't know about you, shattered, but I will NEVER forgive them after the emotional, financial, and other hells and a 1/2 that they've both put me through. All because they wanted to lust in that stupid office. Yes, their lust caused me a living hell.
That's why, not meaning to sound haughty, but God himself could not make me forgive them at this point for all the suffering they both have caused me. I would rather die than forgive those two.
I guess I'll have my day in the "real court" of judgement day. :) ,
Well, sorry to use your blog to rant.
Solaris I am sorry you feel pain from my post.
I am with you on the front of not being able to forgive because I am not at that point either.
All I can say to you is that my blog is like a little duck on the water.....you do not see the feet underneath the water! As my post indicates it is time I dealt with the issues and feelings that I am currently experiencing. I think the ride is going to get rocky!
Stay tuned to my blog because there are lots of posts awaiting to be published. I am sure you will be able to relate to them because of your experience.
In the meantime, stay strong and know that 10% of relationships that start as mistress and lover survive. The odds are against them. And then they have to deal with Karma.
Hi Shattered,
I read through your posts with saddness, for the pain and the emotional upheaval you are still working your way through.
I wish you luck in your attempt to put his infidelity behind you and make things work, but forgiving will have to be a part of that.
One thing though, if you're not strong about yourself you won't be able to be strong about him. Stay true to yourself.
Hi enyo,
I am being true to myself. I now find myself in a better position to deal with this situation. Perhaps I am starting to heal.
I will not accept second best from this point forward. There are going to be changes made and you know what? If my husband does not like the changes his mistress is welcome to him.
I love my husband but detest certain things in my marriage and for my marriage to work these WILL be addressed one way or another!
thanks, Shattered and Enyo. I guess that anger is a part of healing - that's what my therapist tells me, but I just don't see how that's the case.
And Shattered - keep blogging, girlfriend!
Shopping! You should have let me know...I would have been on the first transworld flight I could get on. And hey...ointment may not heal the wound, but it makes it feel better in the meantime.
And as far as your husband goes...the fact that a man has a family and wife and loves them and talks about them endearingly inspires ADMIRATION in me, NOT LUST. I personally never have and never would be with an involved person (married or with a girlfriend). I could not break up a family or play second best to someone. Plus, I would not want it done to me. If a man cannot even respect his wife enough to honor their vows, how on earth would he respect me?
Hi Shattered
I'm in a similar situation. However, whilst my husband and I were commiting to a larger flat, bigger financial outgoings and buying new furniture, he was secretly seeing the other woman (at 19yrs I suppose she's still just a girl). He'd invited her to our wedding as a sign that their relationship was over and yet she followed him 200+ miles so that she could be a University near him. He intriduced me to her as a friend and she seemed to want to be friendly with me. My epiphany was when she "volunteered" to flat sit on a day that we were expecting furniture to be delivered and when I arrived from work I was made to feel as though I was the visitor. No matter what I do now, I still feel as though I'm the guest here and even though my husband has broken all links with her I still feel that this apartment is their's not mine. At least I got almost 300 GBP worth of Hermes scarf out of it and the knowledge that my husband is not leaving me, but I often think at what price emotionally. I still love him, and I do forgive him, but I'm not sure that I will ever be able to trust him.
SolarisGal....I am just getting warmed up! Trust me when I say there are many more blogs in this little black duck!
S* my wounds are feeling fairly soothed at the moment. I can so relate to you when you say you could never break up a family unit. And there is a huge difference between LUST and LOVE!
rathgild....hang in there! I can relate to your feelings in relation to your apartment. That was one of the reasons I revamped my house. Enjoy your scarf and take comfort in the fact that he is with you. At the moment you are feeling extremely emotion and rightly so. I have read so frequently that couples that make their way through infidelity have a much closer relationship afterward. Keep that thought as your inspiration to get through all of those bad days. The good days will become more frequent (this is my current mantra!) and the bad days less obvious and less painful. Hang in there!
Well, I have to say I have read with amazement all of your entries. Whilst I realize that, unfortunatley, women world wide face this situation every day, I can only say, a woman who chases a married man has never has a relationship worth anything of her own. There is absolutely no excuse for this predatory behaviour and although the husband involved is equally to blame, to the women who do this sort of thing - may you have many children to a man you love and then have this happen to you!!!!!
Hi anonymous and thanks for reading my blog.
My husband is equally to blame but he is so remorseful for his action and regrets every day he was involved with this woman.
The really funny thing is that she HAS had it done to her... not once but twice, by both her husbands!
Go figure!!!
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