Ain't no bed of roses

Tonight I have had a night of reflection. I have re read my posts and I am amazed at how I have held myself together. You must be thinking that I am so strong. Let me assure you that this journey is no bed of roses. There are sharp and vicious thorns waiting to pierce at any moment. There is raw emotion here, tearing at me on a daily basis.

I am weak and very vulnerable. I am extremely fragile. It feels like I am wandering aimlessly in the deep forest at night, alone. I hear every little noise and react.

I hate who I have become. I am untrusting and disbelieving, even as you assure me how much you love me and how sorry you are for causing this pain. It seems like I am watching your every move, a feeling I am not used to as we have always had a very trusting relationship where each person was their own being. I feel consumed by distrust and detest the overpowering feeling and burden this is placing on me.

Ironic that you are my support at the moment, hugging me and consoling me as I deal with this pain. You caused the pain and yet you take it away so freely without hesitation. There are days when I don't want you near me and you accept this. You read the unspoken word well and you venture over to me and hug me, only to have me dissolve into tears against your chest.

I have good days and I have bad days. There are days when I want to scream at you but somehow I hold it all in. I know I have to restrain myself from spitting venomous comments at you if this is going to work. I know I cannot be angry with you forever, but right now you are happy for me to be angry with you. You are just so grateful for being given another chance.