So the pieces finally fit
So the pieces finally fit together in this puzzle called our marriage. You've been having an affair. I can now make sense of your behaviour for the last 2 months.
This final piece of the puzzle means that all the confusing thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing now make more sense to me. I can see why you have behaved in the manner that you have and why you could not commit to me and would not engage in discussion about our future.
You were caught up between the lust of a new relationship, the sweet tasting forbidden fruit, and the comfort and security of a long term marriage, often sour and bitter to taste unless the fruit is nurtured. There is no wonder you were confused. Really difficult place to be - between a lust filled relationship with someone who does not see the cracks within you and a person that has been through a hell of a lot with you and appears to be quite negative toward you.
I wanted you to have an affair so I could hate you and yet I find myself in an interesting position as I still can't hate you.
I just cannot understand my feelings. I don't feel anything. There is no hatred or bitterness. I am completely void of emotion. I have not cried. I have not screamed or yelled. It is as though I am emotionally blocked. I feel like I am simply existing.
I find myself understanding your actions and of your decision to step outside the boundaries of your marriage. Why? Why am I understanding of this? Why I am I not feeling the pain that goes hand in hand with unfaithful partners? Why am I not riding the rollercoaster of emotions that is usually associated with finding out your partner is having an affair? I have tried to answer these questions but I simply can't. Maybe it is because I have come to realise how much I love you. Maybe I have finally experienced unconditional love. Maybe I am accepting of how my behaviour has contributed to your need to get love elsewhere.
Please do not get me wrong. Just because I understand you straying does not mean that I accept it. I accept your remorse and your feelings of guilt and betrayal. I accept your apologies and that you are experiencing feelings of deceit and manipulation. I guess time will tell if I can really accept the fact that you chose to go beyond the boundaries of your marriage.
This final piece of the puzzle means that all the confusing thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing now make more sense to me. I can see why you have behaved in the manner that you have and why you could not commit to me and would not engage in discussion about our future.
You were caught up between the lust of a new relationship, the sweet tasting forbidden fruit, and the comfort and security of a long term marriage, often sour and bitter to taste unless the fruit is nurtured. There is no wonder you were confused. Really difficult place to be - between a lust filled relationship with someone who does not see the cracks within you and a person that has been through a hell of a lot with you and appears to be quite negative toward you.
I wanted you to have an affair so I could hate you and yet I find myself in an interesting position as I still can't hate you.
I just cannot understand my feelings. I don't feel anything. There is no hatred or bitterness. I am completely void of emotion. I have not cried. I have not screamed or yelled. It is as though I am emotionally blocked. I feel like I am simply existing.
I find myself understanding your actions and of your decision to step outside the boundaries of your marriage. Why? Why am I understanding of this? Why I am I not feeling the pain that goes hand in hand with unfaithful partners? Why am I not riding the rollercoaster of emotions that is usually associated with finding out your partner is having an affair? I have tried to answer these questions but I simply can't. Maybe it is because I have come to realise how much I love you. Maybe I have finally experienced unconditional love. Maybe I am accepting of how my behaviour has contributed to your need to get love elsewhere.
Please do not get me wrong. Just because I understand you straying does not mean that I accept it. I accept your remorse and your feelings of guilt and betrayal. I accept your apologies and that you are experiencing feelings of deceit and manipulation. I guess time will tell if I can really accept the fact that you chose to go beyond the boundaries of your marriage.
posted by kissmekate at 2:13 pm
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