On the flip side
Before my husband told me about his affair I came across a fabulous book. Entitled "Love and Respect" and written by Dr Emerson Eggerichs, this book changed my life.
It is a book that is written about the behaviours of men and women within a relationship and how we look at things differently. The basic principle is as follows:
Without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love
A wife has one driving need to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need – to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy.
When the wife feels even more unloved, she reacts even more. Or, when the husband feels even more disrespected, he reacts even more. This ignites a greater reaction in each party and things get crazy and the pattern of behaviour continues.
Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly and easily. There is actually a website that has some great info. Learn about this book and the basic principles by clicking here.
I think this book made it easier for me to see how my behaviour has affected my marriage and contributed to my husband feeling unloved and eventually having an affair. However, it does not mean I accept responsibility for my husband stepping outside the boundaries of his marriage.
This realisation does not make it any easier for me, but at least I can honestly say I understand why my husband felt the way he did.
On the flip side.....my husband has also read the book and has also learnt alot about how his behaviour has contributed to my behaviour. We plan to read the book together so as to gain an even more thorough understanding about each other and our individual needs.
In one way I am actually grateful that he had the affair because it broke the crazy cycle. It made both of us realise the depth of our love for each other and how badly we have treated each other over the past 18 months. It also made us realise that what we had was VERY special and not something that you come across on a regular basis. It is worth saving and working on together. We were very much in love and shared some wonderful times together.
I just wish the emotional side of an affair wasn't so damn painful.
It is a book that is written about the behaviours of men and women within a relationship and how we look at things differently. The basic principle is as follows:
A wife has one driving need to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need – to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy.
When the wife feels even more unloved, she reacts even more. Or, when the husband feels even more disrespected, he reacts even more. This ignites a greater reaction in each party and things get crazy and the pattern of behaviour continues.
Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly and easily. There is actually a website that has some great info. Learn about this book and the basic principles by clicking here.
I think this book made it easier for me to see how my behaviour has affected my marriage and contributed to my husband feeling unloved and eventually having an affair. However, it does not mean I accept responsibility for my husband stepping outside the boundaries of his marriage.
This realisation does not make it any easier for me, but at least I can honestly say I understand why my husband felt the way he did.
On the flip side.....my husband has also read the book and has also learnt alot about how his behaviour has contributed to my behaviour. We plan to read the book together so as to gain an even more thorough understanding about each other and our individual needs.
In one way I am actually grateful that he had the affair because it broke the crazy cycle. It made both of us realise the depth of our love for each other and how badly we have treated each other over the past 18 months. It also made us realise that what we had was VERY special and not something that you come across on a regular basis. It is worth saving and working on together. We were very much in love and shared some wonderful times together.
I just wish the emotional side of an affair wasn't so damn painful.
posted by kissmekate at 8:05 pm
6 Comments:
shattered?!
It's not our fault. Spouses have an obligation to communicate with each other before they start taking action.
In my case, my husband never communicated that I wasn't doing something right. He always told me that he loved me, and I told him the same.
He changed completely towards me after I found out about the affair. And to add injury to my trauma of his affair, he left and filed for divorce only 2 weeks after!
This is why I choose not to accept that my behavior - whatever that might've been, is responsible for his actions. I guess that means that I disagree with you and with the book, which you read, as much as I like you.
SolarisGal I am not blaming myself for my husband's affair. I still do not accept his choice to step beyond the boundaries of his marriage.
What I will accept is how my behaviour contributed to him feeling unloved. It still did not give him the right to have an affair. Nothing gives him that right!
On the flip side though my husband is now acknowledging how his behaviour contributed to mine. So it can be a win win situation in the future providing we stay mindful of each others needs.
Okay. I see where you are coming from -you two are in the process of reconciling - and that provides the two of you with an opportunity to communicate and discover what actually went wrong. You don't have some third party biatch sending you emails, which indicate what was supposedly done to cause the marriage to go awry.
No one is perfect. In every marraige whether successful or not both parties make mistakes. Everybody gets mistreated. Its how we react to the mistreatment that decides whether or not our marraiges can be succesfull.
If you don't feel respected then find out why. Talk to your spouse. Demand repsect. Don't have an affair!
If you don't feel loved. Find out why. Talk. Demand the love that you need. Don't withdraw!
Everybody has faults. Its okay to search out what those faults are. Even if we have faults it doesn't absolve what others have done.
Katherine my husband and I are still 'together' cause he chose to end his relationship with the other woman.
It is tough....really tough.
mt detroit thanks for dropping by and I appreciate your comments. I am making demands on my marriage now that I never made before. Neither of us are perfect and we have to learn to adapt our behaviour to fit our marraige. But there are some things I am not going to tolerate this time round.
And you are so rigth when you say our faults do not absolve what the other party has done.
I refuse to blame myself for the affair because I did not make the conscious decision to step outside the boundaries of my marraige. But I will accept my portion of blame on the way we treated each other.
ok you accept responsibility for your contribution to the affair,but will it ever repair, will you ever feel safe of trusting. Will you watch your clock everytime he is late. Will you wonder when he makes love to you who he is thinking of? All the questions that need answers. When he goes to the corner store. When her has a weekend away with the boys, all these questions will indeed haunt you. Shattered yes you are, stupid you are not, strong you must be. Don't settle for what is second, you need to feel and be first, right from the "I Do" part. Don't sell yourself short shattered, you are much too much a wonderful person to even consider that. Think about it, and be true to yourself.
Karma.
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