A simpleton could see
It has been 3 months since you told me of your affair. The emotion is still raw and penetrates deeply. It cuts to the very soul of me daily, destroying every ounce of worth that I had in my body. Like a cancer it has slowly consumed me, spreading to every cell within my being.
I find myself in a very interesting position now. I am torn in three. My head is in one place, my heart is in another and my body is also on a journey faraway.
My heart aches for what we used to have. My heart tells me that what we had was so special that it simply is not possible to lose it in the blink of an eye. My heart longs for the love that was so evident when we married. My heart yearns for the togetherness and closeness of 'us'.
My head is telling me that once a cheater always a cheater. My head is telling me the relationship was all lies. My head is telling me that you don't love me. My head is telling me I deserve better. My head is telling me I can't fix this on my own. My head is telling me if I meant anything to you, you would be addressing the issues. My head is telling me that this will never be repaired because you aren't prepared to put the hard yards in. My head is telling me that I should walkaway.
My body is telling me that it is exhausted, sick of the arguments, sick of feeling so worthless and let down, sick of crying, sick of living a lie, sick of dishonesty, sick of the lack of commitment, sick of struggling through the hectic schedule of daily life.
I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. I have come to realise that there is too much hurt to fix without a solid contribution from you. You and I will never be on the same page.
I am devastated. I am lonely. I am fearful. I am empty.
But I am not stupid and I can see that this will never work. I guess I have reached the first stage of my separation and that is realisation, isn't it?
'Stupid' by Sarah McLaughlin
Night lift up the shades
Let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now
For I am weak
And starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
It's all I can do to hang on,
to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes
How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see
Love has made me a fool
Set me on fire and watched as I floundered
Unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
But you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
that dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you
How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see
Everything changes everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
But deep in my senses I know
Now all I have to do is wait for my heart to reach the same place my head is and I will be on the road to recovery.
I find myself in a very interesting position now. I am torn in three. My head is in one place, my heart is in another and my body is also on a journey faraway.
My heart aches for what we used to have. My heart tells me that what we had was so special that it simply is not possible to lose it in the blink of an eye. My heart longs for the love that was so evident when we married. My heart yearns for the togetherness and closeness of 'us'.
My head is telling me that once a cheater always a cheater. My head is telling me the relationship was all lies. My head is telling me that you don't love me. My head is telling me I deserve better. My head is telling me I can't fix this on my own. My head is telling me if I meant anything to you, you would be addressing the issues. My head is telling me that this will never be repaired because you aren't prepared to put the hard yards in. My head is telling me that I should walkaway.
My body is telling me that it is exhausted, sick of the arguments, sick of feeling so worthless and let down, sick of crying, sick of living a lie, sick of dishonesty, sick of the lack of commitment, sick of struggling through the hectic schedule of daily life.
I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. I have come to realise that there is too much hurt to fix without a solid contribution from you. You and I will never be on the same page.
I am devastated. I am lonely. I am fearful. I am empty.
But I am not stupid and I can see that this will never work. I guess I have reached the first stage of my separation and that is realisation, isn't it?
Night lift up the shades
Let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now
For I am weak
And starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
It's all I can do to hang on,
to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes
How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see
Love has made me a fool
Set me on fire and watched as I floundered
Unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
But you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
that dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you
How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see
Everything changes everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
But deep in my senses I know
Now all I have to do is wait for my heart to reach the same place my head is and I will be on the road to recovery.
posted by kissmekate at 4:39 pm
6 Comments:
All I can say after reading that is never say never. I am sad you feel this way, I also think your partner is a fool ! but he probably already knows that.
It's time for you to take a long hard look at yourself and your situation and TAKE YOUR POWER BACK. True, someone may be the initial cause of your hurt and pain but after a while it's no longer their fault. You have to look at YOUR actions and reactions and determine how they're contributing to your situation. You're giving him all the power right now. Take it back. It's not about how his actions are making you feel sad and desperate, it's about how you are ALLOWING this man's actions to make you feel sad and desperate.
Ultimately, you determine your own fate and you also determine how you will be treated. Remember that you deserve to be loved and respected fully and refuse to settle for less. This man should be on his knees begging for forgiveness. He screwed up, not you.
s* I think my post clearly indicates that I have done exactly that.
Yes Shattered you posts do indicate that, it's a pity others can't see it too instead of vilifying you by suggesting the mistress is no longer responsible
Shame files !!
Hi, Shattered - I'm so worn from my day in court yesterday, ugh.
You wrote exactly how I feel:
My heart aches for what we used to have. My heart tells me that what we had was so special that it simply is not possible to lose it in the blink of an eye. My heart longs for the love that was so evident when we married. My heart yearns for the togetherness and closeness of 'us'.
How true...
I'm sorry you are going through this! I don't know you yet, I found your blog through your comment on mine. (I plan to stalk your archives I have you bookmarked :0>) I just wanted to say woman to woman - if he thinks he can do better than you, let him try- because surely you can do better than him!
Hugs!!!
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