Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Maybe I am just kidding myself

Is this really worth the pain? I just don't know anymore. Why on earth did we both choose the hardest path? It would have been so easy to walk away from this marriage and all the pain that we are suffering now. Is it really worth it?

Tonight I am questioning whether or not this is all too hard. I am crying as I write this and cannot begin to tell you the emotions I am currently feeling.

I feel very vulnerable. I feel worthless. I feel totally unloved. I feel empty. I feel as though I am floating out of my body and that I will wake tomorrow to discover this was all a terrible dream.

It feels surreal. This isn't happening to me and my marriage. My husband and I love each other too much for this to happen to us. It must be a dream. He would never go out and have an affair. It has to be a dream.

My marriage has been torn apart and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make it easier. I don't know how to alleviate the pain. I try to focus on what we had before we both dropped the balls but I just don't seem to be able to toss those balls high enough anymore.

I want you to give me answers. I want you to acknowledge how your behaviour has contributed to this hell that I am putting myself through. I want to hear you tell me that it is worth it. I want you to make me feel important and loved again.

I don't think you are capable of giving me the answers I need. I don't think you are man enough to admit your faults. I don't think you want to address the demons that control your life.

You are a coward! You took the easy way out and you openly admit that to me. And you tell me "She is you". You could not bear to be away from me, so you found a replacement, a cheap and nasty imitation, only to discover that she could not fill my shoes.

Well maybe I need to take the easy way out for my self esteem. Maybe I need to move on to find someone that will love me like the man I married, the way I deserve to be loved.

Maybe I want to see you walk the journey of life in shoes that never quite fit and see the pain the blisters cause.

Maybe I want to cause you pain like the pain you have selfishly inflicted upon me and our children.

Maybe I want to sit back in years and laugh when you do the same thing to her.

Maybe I just want to sit back and laugh when you have nothing but your own company.

Maybe I am just kidding myself.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

We can't turn back the page, or rewrite yesterday, but it is upto us to choose where tomorrow will be.

Wed Aug 23, 10:42:00 pm AEST  
Blogger mt_detroit said...

Wow, I think you have described many of the feelings I am having.

I sure hope things can turn around for you. I hope he can see and know the love you have for him. I hope he realizes how much he is losing.

Thu Aug 24, 12:10:00 am AEST  
Blogger SolarisGal said...

yes, shattered, mt said it all. He'll lose out big if you left.

Thu Aug 24, 10:55:00 am AEST  
Anonymous life's not so bad after all! said...

hey, dont lose heart! you know what you should do?? you shud walk out of that marriage and keep your head high!
from your post it seems he doesnt even acknowledge his mistakes in the way he should;
he should be assuring, and shower you with max love and attention and care and all that! he isnt doing it now, do you think he'll do it some 2 years down the line when you both are still together?? and what are the odds that with this kind of behavior, he wont step out and have another affair????

walk out of it dear, just walk away from all this! you deserve better!

ps: errr... I dont mean to instigate you, but when I read what you wrote, I could not stop myself; I am sorry if I've spoken too much. *hugs*

Thu Aug 24, 04:51:00 pm AEST  
Blogger mt_detroit said...

I was thinking about why he isn't there the way you want him to be. If I was in his place I can only think of two reasons why I might act as you decribed.

1. I think that you won't ever forgive me. I've tried at first but wasn't enough. Now I am feeling sorry for myself and don't think I can fix it. I'm giving up, but don't want you to know how much I'm hurting.

2. I don't really want to fix the marraige. I am okay with letting it die.

I might be off base but that is all I could think of.

Fri Aug 25, 04:33:00 am AEST  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Even if things don't work out, you will be happy again, with or without a man. You have a good soul and never lose that.

Sat Aug 26, 10:29:00 am AEST  

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