Definition of my "Denial"

I am not sure what to make of this comment. I received it in relation to my last post from the anonymous person. However, on further examination, I have discovered that the mistress does appear on my stats. She has been leaving wonderful anonymous comments including this one, on my blog, after I asked how I was in denial.

Sure shattered.

Sorry if you get this same message twice. blogger gobbled the last one.

Denial that your husband is a liar.

Denial of the full extent of your husbands roll in the affair. by channeling most of your anger towards the mistress - this is normal -I did the same thing - its easier to be angry with someone you've never had a relationship with.

Denial that your marriage is over.

How do you know that the husbands of the mistress had affairs? How do you know she did not love your husband? How do you know she has no self worth?

You appear to be denying that the mistress could be a person of any value, because in your eyes you would then be de-valuing yourself.

Posting entries like these shows that it is your own self worth that you are questioning. This is also normal.

Sorry to sound harsh. I know you are feeling pain, and I know what that pain feels like.

All the best.



This aside, I don't believe I am in denial. I know my husband has told me lies because that is the pure basis of an affair.

I have stated in previous posts that I have conceded and that it was too late for my marriage. How can I be seen to be in denial when I have clearly stated these points?

I know my husbands extent in the affair. I also know that the mistress has made it difficult for him to walkaway due to emotionally blackmailing him.

I know my husband has been addicted to the chemicals released throughout the body during the early stages of a relationship, which give similar effects as opiates.

As far as the mistress being any person of value and having self worth.....I am not going to even respond to your questions. The mistress needs to look deep within herself to answer these questions.

Posting entries like these shows that I am deeply hurt and in pain. It does not mean I am questioning my self worth.

However, a person who attacks people under an anonymous profile is obviously too gutless to face the consequences of their actions. And it appears that the nastiness is not just limited to my blog. My blog buddy Solarisgal has suffered the same sort of comments. I think our pal Meg Kelso sums it up so nicely with her comment on Solarisgal's blog! (read below)

"...GET over it, stupid bitch."

Oh my...did someone spill our Cheerios this morning? Or did one of your boyfriends spend a bit too much time with his wife?

I'm sure your life must suck honey, or you wouldn't spend it cyber-stalking Solaris.

I would love to hear a cogent, well thought out reason WHY you would ever come here and leave nasty remarks? What exactly do you hope to accomplish? Don't you have a Rubik's Cube or something to play with? If you don't like the blog, stay away from it.

What a joke. You've just proven to the world that you have nothing better to do with your life than harrass other people who have done absolutely NOTHING to you.

I get the impression that you surround yourself with men who depend on you for a quick, free fuck or suck. If you had any thinking people around you, you wouldn't think that your stupid comments are anything other than proof positive that you are a pathetic, miserable wopig with no life outside of dick play.

I'd feel sorry for you if you weren't such a nasty, syphlitic skank with nothing fun to do in life.

Don't worry honey, one of your men will get another hard on...and then you will be able to accomplish something else.

Ciao,

Meg Kelso

Have a great day ladies!

And wopigs....what are you doing out of bed so early?

So I lied!

WARNING - I am angry! I am really pissed off.

If you don't want to read an angry post then hit the 'next blog' button now.

If you are judgemental then I suggest you hit the 'next blog' button also.

Don't bother sending me comments that relate to my anger and don't send me comments telling me I need to channel my energy elsewhere. One of the stages of seperation is anger and I am really angry, not just with the mistress but also my husband. Please allow me to go through this stage at my own pace.

Don't send me comments about it takes two to tango. I know it does but she should never have dangled the bait. She should have stayed away and respected my husband's decision to return to his wife.

And yes my husband should have kept his dick in his pants and should not have responded to her desperate calls for attention.




I know I stated that I would never post another thing directly related to the mistress. But you know, I have had such good teachers that I have finally learnt to lie.

I lied! I am sorry, but, I lied!

So she called my husband after she read this post on my blog. She has apparently worked out a way to view my blog without stats showing.

Very clever! Well done! However, I am still amazed that you read my blog! I hope you are finding it entertaining!

She called him in a state of distress. My husband told me she was crying heavily. She told him that there was no place in his life for her because I love my husband so much.

How fucking noble of you! After you have torn my family and my marriage apart you finally realise there is no room for you!

She said that I really meant what I said in my post and that it was extremely obvious that I was not 'grandstanding' with what was written.

NEWSFLASH Mistress.....I don't lie. I DESPISE liars and I CANT lie. Everything I say, whether verbal or written, is the TRUTH.

She gave him advice on how to make his marriage work. In order for the marriage to work he has to be totally and completely honest with me forever.

WOW! Isn't that great coming from a person that has lived a fucking lie for the last however many months?

And like she is really in a position to know how to make a marriage work isn't she? Both of her husbands had affairs whilst married to her. I really think she is an expert in how to fuck up a marriage, not just her own, but others as well!

And so how did the contact and subsequent visits start again?

Poor mistress was upset about my blog and contacted my husband to beg him to get me to stop because it was 'killing her'.

Tough fucking luck is all I can say! I have a LONG way to go when comparing what you did to me on your blog. A LONG WAY! Given that you so desperately seek attention, perhaps you would like some more traffic to your blog? I am sure a link from mine would provide you with great traffic! Would that be enough attention for you? Or would you still desire more?

The fact that she got involved again shows so much about her character. She doesn't love my husband. If she loved him and held any self worth she would have stayed out of his life until he had made his own decisions without influence or temptation.

But she put her own selfish needs ahead of his. She didn't love him. She only wanted him to love and desire her, to fill her own emptiness created because both of her husbands had affairs whilst married to her.

I recently read an article that used the term 'romantic lust'. 'Romantic lust' is wanting someone else to love you no matter what the cost, whether it hurts anyone in the long run or not is irrelevant to you. Basically a person will set out to fill their own needs and desires regardless of consequence to that individual or another individual.

Well Mistress I can assure you, you have hurt me. You have hurt my family. I am majorly pissed off but isn't anger just masked pain?

I am glad that my husband provided you with some form of temporary self worth, however tainted it may have been. And I am glad that you read my blog and realise the pain and heartache that you helped to cause is VERY real.

I am sure I have angered the mistress with this post......no doubt she will pick up the phone and call my husband for support.

Go ahead! I have told him to expect your call!

Throw me a lifeline!

I have so many unanswered questions. I just start to wade through the last lot of questions and get another lot dumped on top of me. It just starts me on the rollercoaster again.

The thing that angers me most is that I feel as though I am just being left on my own to wade through this mountain of shit. No-one is helping me to try and make sense of anything. I feel like I am drowning in this shit and all the emotions I am experiencing at the moment.

My mind is totally clouded. My head space is so demanding and erratic. I am exhausted both physically and emotionally.

I have questions that I want answers to. There are two people who can answer these questions, but neither of them will provide the answers. Either one could have thrown me a lifeline, but I guess neither of them are remorseful for their actions. Or is it a guilty conscience that creates the inability to take responsibility for their behaviour and perhaps, just perhaps, provide an apology?

My husband - you have asked me to make some critical decisions which will affect me for the rest of my life. Your arrogance is making it quite easy, but somehow you just keep me hanging on by the tiniest of tiny threads.

You need to address things rather quickly or there will be no hope. Please remember that I had conceded defeat. I had walked away from this marriage so there is very little hope now. You tell me you have learnt things from the last 3 months so you had better put them into action quick smart or lose. If it is what you want prove it, because if I am honest with you and myself, I am indifferent about this marriage.

Mistress X - your inability to address the issues and answer my questions leads me to believe that you indeed have not moved forward. I never hated you. I never wished you ill. But I have to say the events of the last few days have pushed me to the point that I have one foot either side of the line.

So I guess no-one is interested in helping me heal so I will go and lick my wounds and start to heal the best way I can. My blog provides a wonderful outlet for me, so I guess the next few posts will be rather enthralling.

If my current state of mind is reflective of my posts I can't say it will be pretty!

Fight for all the wrong reasons

One of my fave albums at the moment is Nickelback.

Gotta say loving this particular song. Read the lyrics and read between the lines with what I am saying in this post.

It is about a man who is sticking around in a relationship for the wrong reasons, that being SEX. He openly admits why would he leave while a partner continues to give him sex and go down on him.

You want to give it away, then you won't have to look very far to find a willing participant.


Artist: NICKELBACK
Song: FIGHT FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS
Album: ALL THE RIGHT REASONS (2005)



Well I wanted you
I wanted no one else
I thought it through
I got you to myself
You got off
Every time you got on to me
I got caught up
In favorable slavery

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn’t really right
I guess it wasn’t meant to be
It didn’t matter what they said
‘Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons

No, it didn’t matter what I tried
It’s just a little hard to leave
When you’re going down on me
I guess I stuck around
so I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons

Well you know my friends
Well they know your enemies
I’d pretend
Not to hear what they said to me
‘Cause I got off
Every time you got on to me
Was it wrong
To go along with insanity?

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn’t really right
I guess it wasn’t meant to be
It didn’t matter what they said
‘Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn’t matter what I tried
It’s just a little hard to leave
When you’re going down on me
I guess I stuck around
so I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons

I guess it wasn’t what I wanted,
It wasn’t really what I thought,
I thought it was the day I got,
I want it all to go away,
I guess it wasn’t what I wanted,
It wasn’t really what I thought,
I thought it was the day I got,
I want it all to go away,
I guess it wasn’t what I wanted,
It wasn’t really what I thought,
I thought it was the day I got,
I want it all to go away,
I guess it wasn’t what I wanted,
It wasn’t really what I thought,
I thought it was the day I got,
I want it all to go away

I guess it wasn’t really right
I guess it wasn’t meant to be
It didn’t matter what they said
‘Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn’t matter what I tried
It’s just a little hard to leave
When you’re going down on me
I guess I stuck around
so I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons

and so the affair continues

I conceded defeat. I walked away from my marriage. I stopped fighting and saw you in a new light, a light that reflected my love but at the same time conceded defeat.

Why now, after you tell me that you have again been in contact with her and fucked her do I feel so wrecked?

I should have expected this. After all, you told me 5 days ago you were still in love with her. I have been continually asking you if you were still seeing her. And you continued to lie. Even when I asked you for 250% honesty, you looked me in the eye and lied.

I laid in bed most of today and cried. I sobbed and I yelled at you. In fact I screamed at you. I got myself so worked up that I was physically sick. But I guess I am used to that as it has been such a frequent occurance of late due to the stress.

I am still trying to make sense of the last 5 days. Do you think I can? Not on your life. I am so confused and fucking hurt that I can't even think straight.

I can't even look at you. You make me sick.

My tears of sorrow - to my husband

Some people will read this and wonder why I am apologising to you but my darling husband I am so sorry. You were the person who chose to step outside the boundaries of your marriage and have an affair but I am so sorry for so many things.

I have cried tears of sorrow all week. I have reflected on my behaviour during the last 3 months and I am ashamed of myself. I hate to sound cliched, but just like you, I wish I could turn back time.

I don't wish that I could turn back time so you did not have the affair. I can accept this now and in a strange way I am grateful that your affair has made me realise so many things about myself and given me the opportunity to address my issues and become a better person.

I wish I could turn back the last 3 months. I have been so caught up in my own despair that I have failed to realise that you have been in pain also. You have been suffering, and yet I just selfishly expected you to meet my own needs.

I now understand that what I expected from you was completely unrealistic. You were involved with someone else and I expected you to come back into my life declaring your undying love for me. If you felt love for me you would not have stepped outside the boundaries of your marriage. My expectations of you were so unrealistic and therefore never achievable.

I accept that my behaviour has contributed to you feeling completely unloved and being the person that you are, needing to find your worth elsewhere. I know my behaviour was a reaction to your behaviour, but I have also worked out that I should have handled things so differently.

I smothered you. I backed you into a corner and gave you no room to move. The only direction you could go was to turn and run from me and for that I will never forgive myself.

I cannot believe how I have treated you. In my desperation I have only succeeded in hurting you. Part of me wanted to hurt you in the same way that I have been hurt. I wanted to see you in pain. I wanted to see you in tears. I wanted to see you beg to come back into my life.

I understand that I have hurt you immensely and for this I will be eternally sorry.

I understand that I have been extremely selfish and for this I will probably never forgive myself.

I understand that it may be too late for us, and if this is the case I will be eternally grateful for the many years and many good times that we had together.

Please understand that I want you to be happy and if this means your life does not include me then I will be heartbroken but I will understand.

But above all I just want you to understand that I love you with all of my heart and I always will.

Signs of Desperation

*Getting involved with a married man

*Personally purchasing an interstate plane ticket (approx $500) and paying for a hotel room to spend less than 24 hours with your lover

*Sending a positive pregnancy test that was from your two year old child's pregnancy

*Performing a 'Google' search to find out the ISP provider of the wife's workplace to enable you to know when she was at work

*Performing a 'Google' search to find the mother-in-law's email address

*Emailing the mother-in-law

*Hacking in to the wife's email and blog account

*Using a web router to disguise your IP address

*Deliberately turning up at a local tourist attraction cause you know your lover is going to be there with his children whilst his wife sleeps after finishing nightshift


and the final one which is a crack up.........









*Sleeping with an empty aftershave box cause it reminds you of your EX lover

(I purchased this for my husband for Christmas.....God I have GREAT taste!)

just let me go

I just don't know how to do this. I don't want to do this on my own. I don't know how to be single again. I never wanted to be single.

I don't understand why you are doing this to me. If you didn't want the marriage you should not have come back. Why did you come back?

I need to move on. I need to let go.

Is this how the mistress felt? I am so desperate for something from you. I find myself sitting at the computer whilst at work refreshing my inbox, silently awaiting your email that never comes, the email that declares your love for me. Or the text message you send to my phone telling me how much you missed me.

I sit now in front of my computer at home. It is nearly 5am and I still don't sleep. I cannot stop the flow of tears. I am heartbroken. I never wanted to be on my own. I just don't want to even contemplate life on my own. I don't know how to do it. I don't want to do this with anyone else. I still don't.

You should have walked away. You should never have returned.

You should now just let me go.

Drowning in My Sorrow

I am drowning.

Drowning in my sorrow

for what used to be.

You and me,

A love so strong,

Unfailing,

Unfaltering.

"I believe you have made John complete"

I was cleaning out my bedside drawer and found a birthday card that you sent me for my birthday. You always go to so much trouble with birthday cards because you make your own.

I read this card and reread this card and just cannot come to grips with the change in your attitude toward me.

Dear Jane,

Wishing you all the best for your birthday. You are very special to us you know Jane. Have said it before and now saying it again - so glad that you and our darling John are together. I believe you have made John complete.

Thinking of you on your birthday and always dear Jane our much loved daughter-in-law.

I read the card and instantly felt pain. I cannot understand why you chose to do what you did. Regardless of your feelings towards me, why as a mother would you support and encourage your child to participate in an extramarital affair, knowing he had a wife and children?

Why would you choose to respond to the mistress's email and enter into an email relationship with the mistress? What on earth would make you want to respond to her? What were you hoping to achieve? What would you say in those emails? Did you say the same things to her, that she was the best thing that had ever happened to your son? How can you morally do what you did and sleep at night?

I remember the conversations that we have held after I caught your son participating in internet pornography activities on numerous occasions. You begged me to stay with him, telling me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. You told me how desperately he loved me. You told me how much he needed me. You acknowledged how settled he was in his life and that you had never seen that before in him. Do you remember these conversations?

Do you believe it is acceptable to encourage my husband to keep secrets from me, particularly when his marriage is in the state that it is? Do you think it is appropriate that you send text messages to his mobile saying "Text me yes if it is OK to call you"?

Why do you not call the home number? Are you fearful to call in case I answer? Does this mean you are too gutless to face me? Why? Why are you fearful to address me? Is this a sign of your guilty conscience?

There is no wonder your son believes it is OK to walk away from issues because this is exactly what you are doing. You have taught him that it is acceptable to tell lies and have secrets, and that it is perfectly normal behaviour to walk away from the issues in your life. You are showing him that it is OK to show no remorse for your actions and that it is acceptable not to take responsibility for your decisions. You have taught him you don't have to say sorry for the hurt that you have caused.

Have you stopped to think about the pain and hurt you have caused me? Do you acknowledge what you did was WRONG? Do you have any regret? Do you not realise you had an obligation, not only to me but also to your grandchildren? Did you stop to think about anyone else in this picture whilst you emailed and supported the mistress?

You are just like your son, or should I say he is just like you because you are obviously the person that has taught him his values. I know you will never apologise to me. I know you will never feel remorse. I know you are not capable of taking responsibility for your actions. I know you will never see what you did was wrong.

You believe that the sun shines out of your son's backside. You have also fallen victim to his lies and manipulative behaviour, afterall you told me that you did not believe anything that came out of my mouth because it differed to the version your prized son told you.

You will always believe what your son tells you. You will always believe that nobody is good enough for him. Reality check for you....I am wife #3. Do you still hold the same theory that he just chooses the wrong women? Or are you perhaps starting to see the situation for what it is?

You are highly critical of your son's ex wife because she makes no effort to ensure you have contact with your grand child. If you treated her the same way that you have treated me then I understand why she would want to protect her child from you and your values.

I want my children to grow up with family values that are totally different to yours.

I want my children to grow up with morals that allow them to know right from wrong.

I want my children to know that being secretive and manipulative is not acceptable.

I want my children to have the ability to face the issues that arise int heir lives.

I want my children to accept responsibility for their actions and decisions.

I want my children to know that telling lies is WRONG!

And most importantly I want my children to know that family comes first, no matter what.

I know what I will tell my children when they are old enough to understand that their grandmother didn't give a damn about them and openly assisted in tearing their family apart.

Fading like a flower

He reminded me today of an appointment he had set up a few weeks ago for tomorrow.

He has set up an appointment with a marriage counsellor. I am in two frames of mind as to whether or not to go. I don't know what is going to be achieved, if anything.

In the meantime, today I heard a song that I haven't heard in such a long time and it seemed so relevant.


"Fading Like A Flower (Every Time You Leave)"
performed by Roxette





In a time where the sun descends alone
I ran a long long way from home
To find a heart that's made of stone

I will try, I just need a little time
To get your face right out of my mind
To see the world through different eyes

Every time I see you oh I try to hide away
But when we meet it seems I can't let go
Every time you leave the room I feel I'm fading like a flower

Tell me why
When I scream there's no reply
When I reach out there's nothing to find
When I sleep I break down and cry
Cry, yeah

Every time I see you oh I try to hide away
But when we meet it seems I can't let go
Every time you leave the room I feel I'm fading like a flower

Fading like a rose
Fading like a rose
Beaten by the storm
Talking to myself
Getting washed by the rain
It's such a cold cold town
Oh, it's a such cold town

Every time I see you oh I try to hide away
But when we meet it seems I can't let go
Every time you leave the room I feel I'm fading like a flower


Do you remember the scene from "Beauty and the Beast" where the Beast has lost all hope and the last remaining petal of the rose is just about to fall? In order for the Beast to be saved, all he needed was for one person to tell him they loved him before the petal fell.

That is exactly how I feel at the moment.

My whole relationship summed up

He called again today to enquire as to how I was doing. He wanted to come over and assist me with the housework, because that was what I was doing. I declined his offer.

He was adamant that he wanted to come over, so I agreed to him coming over as there were a number of things I needed to discuss with him.

Overnight I had worked out the split of the finances and had to run through them with him. I had it all clearly written out, the liabilities etc etc. He really has no idea of any of the financial stuff as it has always been my job to sort out.

Anyway, I had it clearly set out as to what I was entitled to as far as Child Support payments and what his share of the liabilities would be. I advised him of the fortnightly total and he was quite happy with this and considered it to be a fair arrangement.

I then suggested that I would transfer the payment to my account each fortnight and that if he wanted I could make his credit card payments for him whilst logged on to his account. Again, he was more than happy with this.

Discussion over....finances arranged. Done and dusted. Simple really!

He then looked at me and surprised me by saying "You're serious aren't you?"

I raised the paper and replied, "It's all there, written in blue ink on white paper for you to see."

He looked at me with despair in his eyes and responded. "I never thought it would come to this."

In that sentence my husband summed up my whole entire relationship. He never thought it would come to this because he always took me for granted. He always thought that I would take him back. Never before have I sat down and split the finances.

The last two years he has developed the attitude of "Leave her be. She is just in a bad mood. She'll be fine tomorrow", which has been one of the main issues in our marriage. His failure to address issues have resulted in this marriage dissolving.

I think he finally realised that I am not getting over this one. His marriage was summed up by a $ value. I bet that was an awesome feeling.

Desperate times and desperate measures

He called me and wanted to come over to my house. I stated that I did not believe there was any point.

So I gave him an ultimatum. He could come over as long as he had something significant to offer me in terms of commitment to this marriage.

He turned up with a beautiful bunch of flowers. He got down on his knees in front of me and said he was sorry and that he was going to try harder.

I stared down at him stunned. With no expression I simply asked "Is that all that you have?", to which he replied "Yeah" (I can't remember the exact words but they were nothing significant).

He failed. It was the last resort for me and he failed. My heart is finally standing alongside my head.

Let me share something with you that he wrote to me a number of years ago. I have a book that I have kept all the love notes and cards and things that he has ever written me. This particular one is a letter that he wrote to me after I 'busted' him in relation to another of his indiscretions, internet pornography. I had threatened to leave on numerous occasions if he continued this behaviour, this is obviously one of those times.


28/02/01

To my darling Jane,

I'm sorry. I know that you're sick of hearing sorry. But I am. I'm so sorry. I can't believe how much damage and pain that I've caused.

I feel numb. I'm a little calmer than I was earlier on in the afternoon. It's a bit like the calm that descends upon a terminal cancer patient when he begins to come to terms with the fact that he's dying. Please don't let me die my darling. Please save me. I know that I've done you wrong time and time again, but I've always loved you....and I always will love you. I'm not about to move on to the 'next one'. You're it. I don't want to do this with anyone else. I want to be with you forever. Please let the dream continue.

Darling, I'm begging you. I would give up everything that I have to be with you. I would give away all of my possessions, I would take any test, put up with any form of punishment. I will willingly throw the rest of my life down the drain if it would help me win you back. I'm going to be knocking on your door everyday for years before I give up. These are desperate times and desperate measures are needed. I don't want to lose you Jane. I need you so much. I want to make you happy for the rest of my life. Please let me do it."


This indiscretion was so insignificant when compared to my husband's affair. Why can he not acknowledge the pain that he has caused me by stepping outside the boundaries of his marriage? Why can he not give me any heart felt apology? Why can he not give me any heart felt declaration of his love for me?

Where is this man now? This is the man that I fell in love with. This is the man that I married. This is the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

The man that now stands before me has allowed his ego and professional profile to kill the man that I married. If I can't have the man that I fell in love with then I don't want the empty man that stands in front of me.

A simple "I'm sorry and I am going to try harder" is nowhere near enough.

Needless to say tonight I am Totally Shattered.

My way or the highway!

Everytime I read this article by Dr Joshua Coleman, I find myself in tears, just like right now. It is so bleedingly obvious what needs to happen in order for my marriage to survive, but for some reason you just don't get it and refuse to commit yourself.

This is tearing me apart and I have given up on our marriage. I am tired of fighting for this with little or no result. I am just waiting for my heart to catch up to my head and everyday that passes with nothing from you brings them closer together. It is only a matter of time and I believe this is going to happen sooner rather than later.

I honestly thought that this marriage could be saved and you led me to believe that you wanted to save it as well. But two weeks of commitment from you does not alleviate the pain of an entire world that you brought crashing down because of your choice to step beyond the boundaries of your marriage and commitment to me.

"Affairs have the power to break up a marriage, or forever burden it with suspicion and fear"

I have never been so bloody suspicious in my entire life. I feel you still hide things from me. It would not surprise me if you were still in contact with the Mistress. If you are, you will slip up one day. And with my heightened senses at the moment I will be straight onto it. And should this be the case, I promise you will pay dearly.

Can "a couple ever recover from an affair. My answer is, "yes, if you're willing to do the work to put the marriage back on track....However, to be successful, both people almost always have to be willing to do the hard work to strengthen their relationship."

I cannot do this on my own and I will not do it on my own. I will not accept you just expecting me to deal with this on my own. I am not prepared to accept second best anymore. In a nutshell, it is 'my way or the highway'. Your behaviour and lack of commitment is proving to me that you would rather drive the highway than take the long and winding path.

The highway is a fast and furious journey with nothing but slabs of concrete and overpasses. At the end of your journey all you have is an empty tank of fuel and a lot of miles on your speedo.

The long and winding path is a longer and more tiresome journey that will leave you feeling breathless at some of the views and experiences that the crisp breeze blowing directly onto your face provide. You will forever have memories of your journey, the wonderful sights and sounds you experience along the way, a lifetime of moments to reflect upon whilst you sip a glass of good wine with your loved one who experienced the ride with you.

"The first behaviour that's required is a commitment on the part of the person who had the affair to attempt to heal the pain that it caused. The hurt partner almost always feels devastating emotions of shame, humiliation, and rage. These reactions can produce huge feelings of guilt on thepart of the person who had the affair, and many, unfortunately respond to thise feelings by shutting down, withdrawing, or simply hoping that their spouse will hurry up and move on. This never works."

Guess what? I am not just 'getting over' this and infact your continued rejection and denial is pushing me further away. You may wake up one day and realise what you are doing, but by then I will be travelling the long and winding path of recovery on my own.

"It's very important that you show a willingness to look inside yourself and see what made you vulnerable to an affair.... If you are willing to take a good, hard look at yourself, you may be able to use the affair as a starting point for change to occur."

If I were you I would also be terrified to face the demons that control you. You have become an unemotional piece of flesh that is so full of himself that you believe you are too good to delve within.

Ask yourself some serious questions.....how many women do you think would put up with your behaviour? What makes you think that you can treat women the way you do? What marriage am I? And did you not do the same thing in your previous marriages? Do you not see a pattern here? Isn't it time you addressed this behaviour? You can't blame me for your previous indiscretions. And your famous cop out "you just pick the wrong women" no longer works either.

"Many couples end in divorce as a result of an affair."

Three out of three.....100% success rate. WOW! You should be so bloody proud of this track record. Isn't it obvious where the problem lies? Or are you just too conceited to admit it?

You have the opportunity to change the stats, but it is only you that can make the necessary changes to avoid divorce number three.

My heart is nearly at the same place as my head so you are fast running out of time. To be honest I am not even sure I want this anymore. I am starting to believe you are not worthy of me.

And unless you look within yourself you will never have a meaningful relationship that travels the long and winding road, driving off into the sunset.

It is time to look in the mirror and realise you are nothing and will soon have nothing unless you address your demons.

Dear Shattered - a comment from Emily

Dear Shattered

I have been reading you for a while, but haven't commented.

I just wanted to send you this: an extract from a newsletter by Dr Joshua Coleman, a marriage therapist. It makes for a ridiculously long "comment", but it might be helpful. It indicates that some hard work is required on the part of the person who had the affair, and that otherwise, reconciliation can't work.

August 25,
Vol. I, Issue 2

Feature Article: “Do Affairs Spell the End of a Marriage?”

Affairs have the power to break up a marriage, or forever burden it with suspicion and fear. They also have the potential to harm the children who are exposed to them, or who learn about them later in life. One of the most common questions that I get asked in my radio and newspaper interviews is whether a couple can ever recover from an affair. My answer is, “yes, if you’re willing to do the work to put the marriage back on track.” I have worked with an increasing number of couples who were able to use the pain of an affair as a rallying point for their marriages. However, to be successful, both people almost always have to be willing to do the hard work to strengthen their relationship.

What’s required?

The first behaviour that’s required is a commitment on the part of the person who had the affair to attempt to heal the pain that it caused. The hurt partner almost always feels devastating emotions of shame, humiliation, and rage. These reactions can produce huge feelings of guilt on the part of the person who had the affair, and many, unfortunately respond to those feelings by shutting down, withdrawing, or simply hoping that their spouse will hurry up and move on. This never works. If the marriage has any chance of healing, the person who has the affair has to lovingly and patiently assume that it is going to take time for trust to build again and hang in there.

Secondly, it’s very important that you show a willingness to look inside yourself and see what made you vulnerable to an affair, if you’re the one who had an affair. While there are many reasons, some common ones are a need for attention or flattery, a desire to feel independent, or an attempt to repair some feeling of inadequacy that the marriage evoked or reinforced. Sometimes people who have a hard time communicating their feelings are more likely to cheat because they can’t ask for what they want or need, can’t assert themselves, or allow feelings of resentment to grow and fester. If you are willing to take a good, hard look at yourself, you may be able to use the affair as a starting point for change to occur.

What if my partner had the affair?

While it may seem that the hurt partner wouldn’t or shouldn’t have to do any work, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes people seek affairs out of desperation or because they feel backed into a corner such as when a woman seeks a relationship with a man outside of the marriage because she’s married to a man who refuses to be affectionate or loving. In this scenario, you would have to examine what caused your wife to be interested in another man. Similarly a wife who refuses to be sexual with her husband for months, or even years would have to acknowledge how that may have contributed to her husband’s being flattered by another woman’s attention. Again, this isn’t to say that the hurt partner causes their spouse to have an affair. Rather, that both people may have to take some responsibility for how it came to pass.

Gender differences?

While men may seek affairs for emotional reasons, it’s not uncommon for a man to seek an affair, even when he’s happily married, or happy with his marital sex life. Affairs in the U.S. used to be more common among men, however, current studies show young married women are now having affairs more than their spouses. Obviously, any generalization about gender has plenty of exceptions, but, women more commonly have affairs because they are unhappy with the quality of their marriages, than because they’re seeking excitement or adventure. Because of this, many researchers consider women’s affairs to be a graver statement about the health of a marriage.

Many couples divorce as a result of an affair. While this may be inevitable for some, many of these marriages could have been saved with proper guidance. If an affair is affecting your marriage, make sure that you get help.

© 2006 Dr. Joshua Coleman

Psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman is author of the critically acclaimed book, “The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony,” and, “The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework,” Jan. 2005. Both are published by St. Martin’s Press

Dr. Coleman also offers free teleclasses, free articles, workshops, and other resources to help individuals, couples, and families.
Learn more now at www.drjoshuacoleman.com

Never ending line of credit

You seem to think that I have a never ending line of credit to give to you.

You seem to think that you are entitled to a regular withdrawal from my account.

You seem to think that you do not have to repay the debt that you have already accrued.

You seem to think that there will be no interest applied to the debt.

In your own words you have the biggest debt in this marriage. But you seem to think that you do not have to contribute in anyway.

When there is no love......you cannot give love.

When there is no respect......you cannot give respect.

When there is no trust......you cannot give trust.

I cannot give what I do not have. Perhaps if you want something it is about time you started to make regular repayments, topping up my account, making it possible for withdrawals.

The line of credit always has a value attached and I believe you have reached yours.