Throw me a lifeline!
I have so many unanswered questions. I just start to wade through the last lot of questions and get another lot dumped on top of me. It just starts me on the rollercoaster again.
The thing that angers me most is that I feel as though I am just being left on my own to wade through this mountain of shit. No-one is helping me to try and make sense of anything. I feel like I am drowning in this shit and all the emotions I am experiencing at the moment.
My mind is totally clouded. My head space is so demanding and erratic. I am exhausted both physically and emotionally.
I have questions that I want answers to. There are two people who can answer these questions, but neither of them will provide the answers. Either one could have thrown me a lifeline, but I guess neither of them are remorseful for their actions. Or is it a guilty conscience that creates the inability to take responsibility for their behaviour and perhaps, just perhaps, provide an apology?
My husband - you have asked me to make some critical decisions which will affect me for the rest of my life. Your arrogance is making it quite easy, but somehow you just keep me hanging on by the tiniest of tiny threads.
You need to address things rather quickly or there will be no hope. Please remember that I had conceded defeat. I had walked away from this marriage so there is very little hope now. You tell me you have learnt things from the last 3 months so you had better put them into action quick smart or lose. If it is what you want prove it, because if I am honest with you and myself, I am indifferent about this marriage.
Mistress X - your inability to address the issues and answer my questions leads me to believe that you indeed have not moved forward. I never hated you. I never wished you ill. But I have to say the events of the last few days have pushed me to the point that I have one foot either side of the line.
So I guess no-one is interested in helping me heal so I will go and lick my wounds and start to heal the best way I can. My blog provides a wonderful outlet for me, so I guess the next few posts will be rather enthralling.
If my current state of mind is reflective of my posts I can't say it will be pretty!
The thing that angers me most is that I feel as though I am just being left on my own to wade through this mountain of shit. No-one is helping me to try and make sense of anything. I feel like I am drowning in this shit and all the emotions I am experiencing at the moment.
My mind is totally clouded. My head space is so demanding and erratic. I am exhausted both physically and emotionally.
I have questions that I want answers to. There are two people who can answer these questions, but neither of them will provide the answers. Either one could have thrown me a lifeline, but I guess neither of them are remorseful for their actions. Or is it a guilty conscience that creates the inability to take responsibility for their behaviour and perhaps, just perhaps, provide an apology?
My husband - you have asked me to make some critical decisions which will affect me for the rest of my life. Your arrogance is making it quite easy, but somehow you just keep me hanging on by the tiniest of tiny threads.
You need to address things rather quickly or there will be no hope. Please remember that I had conceded defeat. I had walked away from this marriage so there is very little hope now. You tell me you have learnt things from the last 3 months so you had better put them into action quick smart or lose. If it is what you want prove it, because if I am honest with you and myself, I am indifferent about this marriage.
Mistress X - your inability to address the issues and answer my questions leads me to believe that you indeed have not moved forward. I never hated you. I never wished you ill. But I have to say the events of the last few days have pushed me to the point that I have one foot either side of the line.
So I guess no-one is interested in helping me heal so I will go and lick my wounds and start to heal the best way I can. My blog provides a wonderful outlet for me, so I guess the next few posts will be rather enthralling.
If my current state of mind is reflective of my posts I can't say it will be pretty!
posted by kissmekate at 1:13 am
13 Comments:
Only you can heal yourself. You have to realize and come to understand that you may NEVER get the answers you need and want. Putting your healing in the hands of the two people who helped "shatter" you is not a good idea.
You know the situation I was in. I wanted DESPERATELY to have my questions answered. It was only when I realized I may never get that closure that I was able to move on (and coincidentally got my questions answered).
And remember, the Mistress owes you NOTHING. Morally, perhaps, you'd like to think so. But in reality, she doesn't owe you a thing.
Hi Shattered -
Don't you just hate that? The mistress and the husband walks away one big happy family looking forward to their next exciting, heart-pounding love session, and you stay stuck with all the shitty emotions.
Use the blog to vent - it really does help (in my opinion). That and a good therapist.
Sometimes I get lazy with the blog, but then I close my eyes and start thinking about the injustices that happened back in March and April, and that gives me the "fire" to write some more!
It freaks me out that you live on the other side of the world... I live in Canada! Amazing to get bits and pieces of other's lives on the other side of the globe... I don't suppose you'd ever post pictures? I don't have a blog yet, but plan on setting one up, which is why I'm always anon.
I think in your situation, I would move out, get my own flat, and focus on my own healing for a while.
It just feels like you need some peace and quiet, some routine, a chance to get a bit more centred, rather than your emotions being constantly messed around by other people.
If you husband really does love you, he will wait for you to be ready and be willing to do what it takes to rebuild some trust.
If he doesn't, then, if he goes off with his mistress, she may have done you a kind of perverse favour.
Because, reading your blog, I don't really get the impression that he was such a great husband even BEFORE the affair...
Why.. god how many times have all of us asked ourselves that question, what did we do to deserve this, why us? How can those responsible answer this when their own minds are unstable and damaged? They can't and they wont, atleast not right now. I agree with solarisgal girl, when your mind starts racing and you need to let it all out go ahead and pen it, its not only good therapy but youll be impressed by your writing abilities your discovering from writing from the heart. Turn pain into achievement and get into some metallica lol, if nothing else it keeps the mormons away and will freak ya old man out hehe
s* I realise that I will never get the answers that I want. The hardest thing to come tot erms with is that my healing could be made so much quicker if I had the answers.
Mistress owes me nothing - apart from the fact that she helped to tear my family apart and took what was rightfully mine. I do feeled owed, but I am assured that this is perfectly normal and does pass. I am still waiting for this to occur and I am sure in time it will. Right now I am not hurrying myself along to reach this point.
solaris I have a few blogs already written. Stay tuned!
cantbeatthem welcome to shattered's world. It will be a long road ahead and where I end up who knows!
anon blogland is amazing when you connect with people that you do not know and are likely to never meet in real life, who live on the opposite side of the world isn't it? In relation to pics, maybe one day. Just a the moment I am not quite ready to share that much of myself with the world wide web.
emily my husband and I live seperately at the moment. But I know I have my own healing to do. I do need some peace and quite and routine. I desperately need this at the moment! He has been a wonderful husband in the past but the last 18 months we have both dropped the balls and it has been really hard.
sandman....I am LOVING Nickelback at the moment. Thank god that I don't have immediate neighbours because I would have the cops knocking at my door!
Funny, I just told Solarisgal we were all sisters in another life or something!! I totally get what you are thinking/feeling!! Hang in there!!
"So I guess no-one is interested in helping me heal..." I get what you meant there, but make no mistake about it girl, we are here for you in any way possible to help you heal!!!
I agree with S, only you can heal yourself. You will need help from friends, and it will be a long hard road, but I'm sure the husband and mistress can't and shouldn't be involved in this process.
I do understand that you have questions. I had a million questions when my partner left me for our "friend". At the time I knew I was too fragile to cope with the answers. I told him that one day I would want to sit down and ask him all the questions that were spinning thru my haed. He said he would answer them when I was ready.
But you know what, by the time I was strong enough to deal with the answers, I no longer wanted to ask the questions. What would be the point?
Why put yourself thru the extra pain? No good can come from knowing about him and the mistress. What's done is done. There's no going back. Which brings me to my next peace of advise.
What do you mean, there is little hope left Shattered!? What are you asking him to prove? He's already proven that he's a liar. He's already proven that his marraige means nothing to him.
I know how hard it is to let go Shattered. I really do. You want what you had before all of this mess, and I really don't think it will happen. He is not worthy of your hopes, he is worthy of you.
Please,please cut him lose
I can truly say I understand how you feel and what kind of emotions you are going through.What I hate is how they are able to twist the situation and make us feel like we are going nuts.
Hang in there and know you are not alone.Chin up and remember you are better then they will ever be.
Load up the cd player with feeling way too damn good and drive drive drive screaming your lungs while the sun shines down, now that is pleasure !!
ps get limewire and burn baby burn.. I wish pinching was this easy when i was growing up He He
Can I just say that answers are closure, even if they are answered years later. Sometimes you never get them and sometimes it doesnt matter but it also helps us make the right decision, possibly why your hubby is not too keen on spilling all the beans, it might make your decision easier?
Answers are closure and answers provide the ability to make clearer desicions.
Right now I feel like I am shooting in the dark, trying to make decisions based on the knowledge I have which is only half of it.
Iti s really hard making these decisions because you don't know whether they are the right decision or the wrong decision.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but when you have kids to also think about you don't want to wait for hindsight to know if you have made the right decision.
Shattered you have every right to then demand answers to your questions from your hubby! He owes you that much, and yes I can see why you need those answers, your decision will not only impact you but that of your childrens too !
You are in the power position and he needs to acknowledge that with telling you everything YOU need to know.. If he won't then you will never be able to recover your marriage..everyone is different but i do see why you need them and good for you for realising this.
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