and so the affair continues
I conceded defeat. I walked away from my marriage. I stopped fighting and saw you in a new light, a light that reflected my love but at the same time conceded defeat.
Why now, after you tell me that you have again been in contact with her and fucked her do I feel so wrecked?
I should have expected this. After all, you told me 5 days ago you were still in love with her. I have been continually asking you if you were still seeing her. And you continued to lie. Even when I asked you for 250% honesty, you looked me in the eye and lied.
I laid in bed most of today and cried. I sobbed and I yelled at you. In fact I screamed at you. I got myself so worked up that I was physically sick. But I guess I am used to that as it has been such a frequent occurance of late due to the stress.
I am still trying to make sense of the last 5 days. Do you think I can? Not on your life. I am so confused and fucking hurt that I can't even think straight.
I can't even look at you. You make me sick.
Why now, after you tell me that you have again been in contact with her and fucked her do I feel so wrecked?
I should have expected this. After all, you told me 5 days ago you were still in love with her. I have been continually asking you if you were still seeing her. And you continued to lie. Even when I asked you for 250% honesty, you looked me in the eye and lied.
I laid in bed most of today and cried. I sobbed and I yelled at you. In fact I screamed at you. I got myself so worked up that I was physically sick. But I guess I am used to that as it has been such a frequent occurance of late due to the stress.
I am still trying to make sense of the last 5 days. Do you think I can? Not on your life. I am so confused and fucking hurt that I can't even think straight.
I can't even look at you. You make me sick.
posted by kissmekate at 9:09 pm
10 Comments:
God Shattered, I am so sorry that you are in such pain. I am So glad he was finally able to tell you, otherwise you would still be wondering!! When he wakes up from this oblivion (which most likely will be when you walk away 100%) he is going to regret every second of this crap. You will be happy with someone new by then :) Karma...
Whatever life takes away from you, Let it go. When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive and open to the moment. I wish this for you as I believe you deserve way more than this girl!!! I know that doesn't make the pain go away...Maybe knowing we care will a little bit?!!
He will be unfaithful to her as he has to all of us Shattered, you however went into this union with a pure heart, so your heart will heal. Take your time grieving there is no hurry, you will move on when your ready. Our thoughts are with you. YOU deserve more than he will ever be capable of !
mackenzie I did let go and the relief I felt was incredible.
There is alot more to this story though. He has told me about the affair continuing because he realises how much he loves me and that he does not want the marraige to be over. He has stated that he is sick to death of telling lies and that if the marraige was going to work that he needed to tell me this.
He has also realised that he was not 'in love' with her like he is me and that he wants to die with me.
I am so confused and I just can't make sense of any of this.
I will post more details later and fill all the gaps in.
((((Shattered))))
I really hope this man gets his ass into counseling no matter who he ends up with. You have kids...even if they don't know the whole story, they can feel the hurt and pain. What kind of example is he setting for them?
Shattered,
I am so sorry for you. This man will never learn. NEVER! You must know that and move on despite the pain.
Its time to move foward. Marry me. I won't do this to you.
Okay maybe don't marry me. Start dating casually though, and start your recovery.
I wish I had some powerful words that would make you feel better, I just don't think there are any that exist in our vocabulary. I am sending you a big cyber hug. Everything happens for a reason. Don't forget to breath. I'm thinking about you.
Shattered you will know inside when too much water has gone under the bridge, trust your instincts, us chicks have the super hero's kind and when we listen serve us well.. Always treat yourself like the one you love and you won't go too far off the beaten track.
"He has also realised that he was not 'in love' with her like he is me and that he wants to die with me.
I am so confused and I just can't make sense of any of this".
Let me "unconfuse" you already Shattered. You say 5 days ago he told you he was in love with the mistress. Now he's telling you he's not. He gave you a 250% guarantee he had stopped seeing her, and he still is.
What do you think he's telling her? That he's ended his marraige? That he no longer loves his wife? That he's in love with her? This dude is a compulsive liar. Look back thru your posts. How could you possibly trust him. You will never stop loving him. You have shared so much together, and I'm sure he loves you too, but it is time to accept that you must end this pattern of behavior.
He needs help Shattered. Not you. Yes, you are feeling pain. The pain is so bad that you are physically ill. I have watched you grow as a person over the past months, and about the only thing I don't agree with is the bitter posts about the mistress. Although they may be true, and venting your bitterness might feel good at the time, you are above that, and can put your energy to better use. He is probably pulling her strings, just like he's pulling yours. Yes, she could have walked away, but what about him. He has continued to step outside the boundaries of his marriage, and lie to you about it.
Your husband deserves neither you, nor another woman at this point in his life. He has made a mess of marriage number 3. It's time for him to look at what he has done to contribute to the ending of these marriages. And will he? I seriously doubt it. He sounds like an egomaniac, and he will probably never truly believe that there;'s anything wrong with him at all. He has done his dash Shattered, tell him to hit the road. It will probably be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you deserve much, much more than what this man is giving you. In a couple of years you will look back and thank your lucky stars that you got rid of him. Whether you are in another relationship by then or not, you will most certainly be in a better place than you are now.
Sorry this is so long, I've been watching this unfold since I tagged your link on Solaris. But just one more thing. My relationship with my partner broke up last year. We weren't married, but we have a little boy who is 4. He left me for someone else who was supposed to be a friend (LOL). I have remained civil with my ex, and even her when necessary. That has been very difficult, but for the sake of our boy, and his relationship with his father, I have forced myslef because I love my son so much. I have a friend who has used her children as pawns, and refuses visitation for their father. These children are already showing the signs of what a bitter and twisted marraige breakdown can do. I'm sure you're above that sought of thing, but I just thought I mention it. All the best Shattered, I wish you well.
Damn...I am on beta and just lost my entire comment when I tried to publish it....I think I have remembered most of what I said before I try again as annon.. I will copy just in case.here goes nothing
I agree with anonymous -
after carefully re-reading your posts, I think that it's time you tell the guy that you don't want to see him anymore. Now, I am one who's all for working on the marriage, etc, but I think that if you don't tell him to get lost, he's going to think that he can always do this kind of thing to you, and you'll always be available with open arms.
I am sorry, shattered.
Hey solaris,
Don't be sorry cause I had this very conversation with him tonight.
I basically told him that he has given me no choice but to end the marriage becasue of his arrogance. He seems to think that he can continue to do this and get away with it.
Until he takes responsibility for his behaviour and actions then I am convinced that he will do it again.
I am not prepared to put my neck on the chopping block for this arrogant bastard anymore.
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