Dear Shattered - a comment from Emily
Dear Shattered
I have been reading you for a while, but haven't commented.
I just wanted to send you this: an extract from a newsletter by Dr Joshua Coleman, a marriage therapist. It makes for a ridiculously long "comment", but it might be helpful. It indicates that some hard work is required on the part of the person who had the affair, and that otherwise, reconciliation can't work.
August 25,
Vol. I, Issue 2
Feature Article: “Do Affairs Spell the End of a Marriage?”
Affairs have the power to break up a marriage, or forever burden it with suspicion and fear. They also have the potential to harm the children who are exposed to them, or who learn about them later in life. One of the most common questions that I get asked in my radio and newspaper interviews is whether a couple can ever recover from an affair. My answer is, “yes, if you’re willing to do the work to put the marriage back on track.” I have worked with an increasing number of couples who were able to use the pain of an affair as a rallying point for their marriages. However, to be successful, both people almost always have to be willing to do the hard work to strengthen their relationship.
What’s required?
The first behaviour that’s required is a commitment on the part of the person who had the affair to attempt to heal the pain that it caused. The hurt partner almost always feels devastating emotions of shame, humiliation, and rage. These reactions can produce huge feelings of guilt on the part of the person who had the affair, and many, unfortunately respond to those feelings by shutting down, withdrawing, or simply hoping that their spouse will hurry up and move on. This never works. If the marriage has any chance of healing, the person who has the affair has to lovingly and patiently assume that it is going to take time for trust to build again and hang in there.
Secondly, it’s very important that you show a willingness to look inside yourself and see what made you vulnerable to an affair, if you’re the one who had an affair. While there are many reasons, some common ones are a need for attention or flattery, a desire to feel independent, or an attempt to repair some feeling of inadequacy that the marriage evoked or reinforced. Sometimes people who have a hard time communicating their feelings are more likely to cheat because they can’t ask for what they want or need, can’t assert themselves, or allow feelings of resentment to grow and fester. If you are willing to take a good, hard look at yourself, you may be able to use the affair as a starting point for change to occur.
What if my partner had the affair?
While it may seem that the hurt partner wouldn’t or shouldn’t have to do any work, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes people seek affairs out of desperation or because they feel backed into a corner such as when a woman seeks a relationship with a man outside of the marriage because she’s married to a man who refuses to be affectionate or loving. In this scenario, you would have to examine what caused your wife to be interested in another man. Similarly a wife who refuses to be sexual with her husband for months, or even years would have to acknowledge how that may have contributed to her husband’s being flattered by another woman’s attention. Again, this isn’t to say that the hurt partner causes their spouse to have an affair. Rather, that both people may have to take some responsibility for how it came to pass.
Gender differences?
While men may seek affairs for emotional reasons, it’s not uncommon for a man to seek an affair, even when he’s happily married, or happy with his marital sex life. Affairs in the U.S. used to be more common among men, however, current studies show young married women are now having affairs more than their spouses. Obviously, any generalization about gender has plenty of exceptions, but, women more commonly have affairs because they are unhappy with the quality of their marriages, than because they’re seeking excitement or adventure. Because of this, many researchers consider women’s affairs to be a graver statement about the health of a marriage.
Many couples divorce as a result of an affair. While this may be inevitable for some, many of these marriages could have been saved with proper guidance. If an affair is affecting your marriage, make sure that you get help.
© 2006 Dr. Joshua Coleman
Psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman is author of the critically acclaimed book, “The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony,” and, “The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework,” Jan. 2005. Both are published by St. Martin’s Press
Dr. Coleman also offers free teleclasses, free articles, workshops, and other resources to help individuals, couples, and families.
Learn more now at www.drjoshuacoleman.com
I have been reading you for a while, but haven't commented.
I just wanted to send you this: an extract from a newsletter by Dr Joshua Coleman, a marriage therapist. It makes for a ridiculously long "comment", but it might be helpful. It indicates that some hard work is required on the part of the person who had the affair, and that otherwise, reconciliation can't work.
Vol. I, Issue 2
Feature Article: “Do Affairs Spell the End of a Marriage?”
Affairs have the power to break up a marriage, or forever burden it with suspicion and fear. They also have the potential to harm the children who are exposed to them, or who learn about them later in life. One of the most common questions that I get asked in my radio and newspaper interviews is whether a couple can ever recover from an affair. My answer is, “yes, if you’re willing to do the work to put the marriage back on track.” I have worked with an increasing number of couples who were able to use the pain of an affair as a rallying point for their marriages. However, to be successful, both people almost always have to be willing to do the hard work to strengthen their relationship.
What’s required?
The first behaviour that’s required is a commitment on the part of the person who had the affair to attempt to heal the pain that it caused. The hurt partner almost always feels devastating emotions of shame, humiliation, and rage. These reactions can produce huge feelings of guilt on the part of the person who had the affair, and many, unfortunately respond to those feelings by shutting down, withdrawing, or simply hoping that their spouse will hurry up and move on. This never works. If the marriage has any chance of healing, the person who has the affair has to lovingly and patiently assume that it is going to take time for trust to build again and hang in there.
Secondly, it’s very important that you show a willingness to look inside yourself and see what made you vulnerable to an affair, if you’re the one who had an affair. While there are many reasons, some common ones are a need for attention or flattery, a desire to feel independent, or an attempt to repair some feeling of inadequacy that the marriage evoked or reinforced. Sometimes people who have a hard time communicating their feelings are more likely to cheat because they can’t ask for what they want or need, can’t assert themselves, or allow feelings of resentment to grow and fester. If you are willing to take a good, hard look at yourself, you may be able to use the affair as a starting point for change to occur.
What if my partner had the affair?
While it may seem that the hurt partner wouldn’t or shouldn’t have to do any work, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes people seek affairs out of desperation or because they feel backed into a corner such as when a woman seeks a relationship with a man outside of the marriage because she’s married to a man who refuses to be affectionate or loving. In this scenario, you would have to examine what caused your wife to be interested in another man. Similarly a wife who refuses to be sexual with her husband for months, or even years would have to acknowledge how that may have contributed to her husband’s being flattered by another woman’s attention. Again, this isn’t to say that the hurt partner causes their spouse to have an affair. Rather, that both people may have to take some responsibility for how it came to pass.
Gender differences?
While men may seek affairs for emotional reasons, it’s not uncommon for a man to seek an affair, even when he’s happily married, or happy with his marital sex life. Affairs in the U.S. used to be more common among men, however, current studies show young married women are now having affairs more than their spouses. Obviously, any generalization about gender has plenty of exceptions, but, women more commonly have affairs because they are unhappy with the quality of their marriages, than because they’re seeking excitement or adventure. Because of this, many researchers consider women’s affairs to be a graver statement about the health of a marriage.
Many couples divorce as a result of an affair. While this may be inevitable for some, many of these marriages could have been saved with proper guidance. If an affair is affecting your marriage, make sure that you get help.
© 2006 Dr. Joshua Coleman
Dr. Coleman also offers free teleclasses, free articles, workshops, and other resources to help individuals, couples, and families.
Learn more now at www.drjoshuacoleman.com
posted by kissmekate at 8:05 pm
4 Comments:
LOLOLOL, now I'm more confused than ever!
Oh well. I hope you have a great day girl...I'm thinking about you!
meg
Good Morning Shattered:
I think the point about putting in the work is right on. He made the mess, he can clean it up!! I believe in the end only you and your other half will be able to decide what is going to work for you guys. Good luck sister...I am rooting for you!!
Great article. This here applies to my stbx:
Sometimes people who have a hard time communicating their feelings are more likely to cheat because they can’t ask for what they want or need, can’t assert themselves [...]
Fantastic breeding grounds for a manipulative woPig.
Sounds like good advise, I hope you guys work through this together soon, the land your living in is the shiates and sometimes worse than the worse case scenerio outcome. If it cant be fixed you need a resolution before you can move on with you life. Wishing you well
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