I've been having an affair!

I have come to the conclusion that shopping is like having an affair! And I have been having one hell of a hot and steamy affair the last few weeks.

I have had an absolute blast the last few weeks. I have been shopping and shopping and shopping. I have made purchase after purchase after purchase and damn it felt good!

I have purchased a gorgeous new solid wood bedroom suite and a stunning linen set that cost nearly as much as the bed did! I love my bed! And everytime I walk into my bedroom I am overwhelmed with how gorgeous it looks. I am now just waiting for the rest of the bedroom suite to arrive which includes bedside tables, a tall boy and sock drawer. I can't wait!

I have revamped my entire lounge and dining room. I have painted and changed the entire theme to African/Tribal theme. I have purchased the most amazing home decorator pieces and my house looks fantastic. My house is now very reflective of my personality and I just love it! I have also made a set of 9 mosaic wall tiles that I have hung in the entrance hallway of my house and they look so damn impressive!

Not only have I revamped my bedroom and my house but I have revamped ME. My other purchases have seen me purchase around 20 new CD's, a whole entire new wardrobe of clothing, a complete new range of make up and skin care. I love my new wardrobe of clothes and had an absolute ball culling my old items. Is this the new me?

My bed is MY bed, not one that has been shared with a third person (even though she was never physically in my bed, she was in spirit). My house is MY house and the new me is ME. I have felt very cleansed that I have revamped everything, the way I want it. I did not consult my husband and I did exactly what I wanted to do. Even my husband has made comment on the new me and the house. He LOVES them both!

The saddest part of this scenario is that I am back to square one after having come off my retail high. Despite loving my new environment and the new me, the same problems exist. I have discovered the last few days that retail therapy only provides superficial happiness.

I can have the most amazing belongings and clothes to wear but at the end of the day if I don't like who I am, what exactly do I have? I am so blessed that I have the most amazing friends but I think it is time I addressed the issues that the affair has and is causing me. I now realise that retail therapy is a costly band aid approach.

My discovery has made me again question the motive of a mistress. Is an affair providing her with superficial happiness? The more I think about my husband's affair and his mistress the more I am certain this was part of the obsession.

Are mistresses women with low self esteem and the inability to seek things that make them feel good? Do mistresses have underlying issues that see them seek out men that make them feel good about themselves? I mean let's face it, it would be a fairly empowering feeling that you have this man that has vowed to forsake all others sleeping with you, wouldn't it? Is it a power issue that sees a woman become involved with a married man, you know "I've got him" mentality?

My husband is a very lvoeable character. Women adore him and why wouldn't they when he speaks about his love for his wife and children openly in such an adoring way. Why would the mistress not feel absolutely flattered by his attention? Is this giving her the superficial happiness that she is silently craving? And the weekly visits...could they not equate to weekly shopping binges, giving the same feelings? And the phone calls... could they not equate to reading through some trashy mass produced junk catalogue left in your letterbox?

I have always allowed my husband to 'go window shopping' and never felt threatened by him looking at other women. As long as he swiped his credit card at home I did not care where he ventured. I am not insecure or a jealous type personality. My relationship was always rock solid and there was never any need to be jealous or feel threatened by other women.

Perhaps mistresses need to get a gold credit card, then they may not be tempted to swipe the credit card where it shouldn't be swiped! Or maybe the more moral way to deal with their issues is to seek help from a professional.

I know that I need to start addressing the issues that I have, but at least I did not need to ruin a marriage to work out what my issues are.

Pick up a tramp and treat her like a Lady...

I have been reading some blogs from fellow bloggers that have gone through or are experiencing the aftermath of infidelity.

One of the regular blogs I visit is that of SolarisGal .Today I came across the most amazing comment from one of her regular readers that has also experienced a marriage that ended in divorce, Anne Arky .

I am not sure where she originally got this from but it makes so much sense! I have never really looked at it from this perspective. Maybe the description 'tramp' is a little harsh. What do you think?

..................................................................................

Dear Abby: Why will a married man pick up a tramp and treat her like a lady, then turn around and treat his wife (who is a lady) like a tramp? — Minnie

Dear Minnie: A man picks up a tramp because he wants a female companion who is no better than he is. In her company, he doesn't feel inferior. He rewards her by treating her like a lady.

He treats his wife (who is a lady) like a tramp because he feels that by degrading her, he will bring her down to his level. This makes him feel guilty, so to get even with his wife for making him feel guilty, he keeps right on punishing her."

Years later, a reader asked, "What is the difference between a lady and a tramp?" Mother was stumped, so she asked the readers for their input. Their answers were enlightening — and reviewing them is like looking into a time capsule.

"The difference between a lady and tramp? About three drinks." —Tends Bar in Milwaukee

"A lady goes out, goes home and goes to bed. A tramp goes out, goes to bed, then goes home." — Murph

"The difference between a lady and a tramp is men with big mouths." —Met a Few

"A lady draws a line. The tramp falls for it." —Robert Byrne

"A lady is chaste. A tramp is chased." —Robert From San Diego

"There are no tramps. Only lonely ladies."—Margie From Mansfield

"A lady lies around and sleeps. A tramp sleeps around and lies." —J.S. in Ashland, Ore.

"The difference between a lady and a tramp is discretion. I should know. I've been both." — Rich and Famous

The shoe is on the other foot...

Boo! I am back! I have been away getting some space but that is another post on its own. Stay tuned!

Anyway, it appears that I have upset the third person in my marriage. She sent my husband an SMS message last Saturday morning making reference to the post on my blog. Whilst it was not threatening, the under tones were extremely nasty, making reference to the Baileys and spa and hoping that 'he got it up' for me.

What has me really curious is why she would be choosing to read my blog anyway. I have never sent her anything suggesting she should read it. I do not identify any parties involved and I am certainly not out to hurt anyone with my blog. She will find nothing sinister because I am simply not that type of person.

Furthermore, why would I be 'out to get her' when she no longer exists in my mind. I don't hate her, nor do I wish anything nasty upon her or her children. I have moved forward and I am trying to rebuild my marriage and the pain and heartache the affair has caused (note I said the affair...not the mistress).

It does not appear to me that she has been able to move forward. When my husband told me about the affair, she was a blogger. After he decided to come back to me she set up another blog, purely for me to view. It was nasty and vindictive and published intimate details of their affair and details of my sexual relationship with my husband. And to make sure I read it she sent me a very obvious cryptic clue as a comment on my blog to get me to view it.

Well I did view it. I chose to view it. I made the decision to read what she had written and yes, it did cause me pain. She achieved what she set out to do. Well nearly achieved it...because her view was that I would kick my husband out and he would go back to her. Well her behaviour has only made my husband and I closer, so she shot herself in the foot!

Because of the pain that her blog was causing me, my husband and I made the conscious decision not to access it. We made that choice because the content was having a great impact on me. I really do not care what she thinks of me because she is not a significant person in my life. I have no desire to read about the details of their affair, so I made the decision not to access her blog and have not done so for weeks. She could be continuing to blog for all I know and I simply do not care.

My point is that if you choose to do something then nobody else is to blame for your choices and the consequences of your choices. She chose to become involved with a married man, so she cannot hold me responsible for her pain now that he has chosen to go back to his wife. It was her choice, and it is her choice to read my blog.

But I will take this opportunity to quote a passage from her blog published on June 11.

“I have it on good advice from a senior officer of the organization in which she is a mere civilian that I am doing nothing wrong. This is my blog where I vent my pain and anguish at how he has destroyed my life. If she can’t handle the truth, then she just shouldn’t read my blog. There are no names here.”


I guess the shoe is now on the other foot. If the shoe fits then wear it!

I could never be a mistress

This whole affair has stirred emotions and thoughts in me that I never thought would be stirred. One of the things that I just can't come to grips with is the thought of being a mistress. Despite my morals not allowing me to become intimately involved with a married/attached person I just don't think I could ever come to grips with the emotional side of an affair either.

As a woman I cannot begin to understand why you would become involved with a married man. What goes through your head as a mistress to believe that anything good can come out of an affair? Do you try and justify your behaviour by creating a belief system that supports the affair eg "She treated him horribly" or "She was a lunatic" or "She was into character assassination".

How do you emotionally cope with having sex with a man who is wearing his wedding ring? Do you just accept this or do you try to justify it? Or do you simply say "Hey can you just take your ring off for 20 minutes while you have sex with me?" Are you naive to believe that he wasn't having sex with his wife as well as you? Or do you simply tell him that you don't want him to have sex with his wife, afterall you are all that he desires, so he does not have any need to sleep with her, does he?

And then, there are times that the married man reaches out to his wife with moments of love. For example, when my husband took me to a 5 star hotel and we stayed in the Presidential Suite for the night before taking me hot air ballooning the following morning for my birthday. He did this whilst involved with his mistress so, as the mistress, how would you cope with this, particularly when your birthday comes around and you only get an email or a phone call.

And what about the times that he cried on your shoulder because he treated his wife so poorly? How could you unbiasedly console him in his moment of need? I know you would not want to address these issues as the mistress, because deep within your heart you are hoping that you will spend the rest of your life with him, and this is admitting his fault within the marriage and possibly raising thoughts within him that his wife wasn't all that bad. How would you cope with him confiding in you about the things that he did to let his wife down?

If the relationship was so great wouldn't you expect to spend QUALITY time together? Wouldn't you want to be taken out socially and share really meaningful moments? Or maybe these things just aren't important when you are simply the "I've got a spare 5 minutes" filler. Would you feel used and abused? Or perhaps even rejected when he leaves you to go home to his wife and family?

Wouldn't you want more than an empty relationship? Would you not doubt whether or not he would do the same to you? How would you tell your friends and family..."Well at the moment he is married but he is going to leave his wife and kids soon and move in with me." With societies views on infidelity are you not setting yourself up to be judged and ostracised?

I understand that there would be promises made and lies told but would you not question the nature of the relationship from the outset? As a woman I know that I would want more than an affair could possibly offer. I don't think the excitement of getting caught would ever be enough for me to become involved with a married man. The implications for me and my children would be enough to steer me away from becoming involved with any married man, let alone adding my morals to the equation and having to live with the knowledge I helped to break a family unit apart, as well as destroying my own family unit once he goes back to his wife and children.

I know I would never be able to cope with being tucked away in a shoebox at the back of a closet. I just could not do it!

If you love something ....

We are all familiar with this verse written by an unknown author.

If you love something set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns,
It was never yours to begin with.

Well I can honestly say that I loved my husband enough to set him free when I found out about the affair. He actually told me he was in love with her, so as hard as it was, I told him to go if that was truly where he wanted to be. I have since told him this same thing again, probably 3 times in total.

And yet he remains here with me, wanting desperately to rebuild our marriage.

Shouldn't that tell me something? Why then am I still doubting his love for me? The flowers that he brings me, the romantic nights together, the love notes he leaves on my bedside table, the emails and SMS messages he sends me, the hugs and the constant flow of compliments......why are these not enough to ease my mind? Why am still feeling so unloved?

Tonight he has gone for an hour drive just to get me a bottle of Baileys and a Krispy Kreme donut, simply because I wanted one. And when he returns we are going to have a wonderful candlelit spa together, drinking Baileys on ice and listening to our wedding CD, like we often do, before watching a couple of DVD's.

We are watching "As Good as it Gets", starring Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt, because this is what we saw on our first date together. And we also have "A City of Angels", starring Nicolas Cage and Meg Ryan, because I just adore this movie. It is the ultimate sacrifice for love and it just makes me cry.

However, we will probably argue over which 'chick flick' as he simply adores "The Notebook" as he is a hopeless romantic and wants us to be hopelessly in love as we grow old together.

Well I can say this is the plan, but who knows what will happen!

Thanks but your assistance is no longer required!

I need to say thank you. You have breathed new life into my marriage. You were the much needed rescusitation and now my husband is breathing freely he has discarded you, the mask that was smothering him.

Only you still somehow keep trying to pump oxygen, despite the efforts of my husband and I to completely shut off the valve. Do you not realise that there is no oxygen left in your tank? Why not put yourself out of your misery and realise that your endless attempts to pump oxygen is only pumping toxic air into my husband's mask.

But then perhaps you should just keep pumping the toxins into him so I can continue to cleanse his soul. When he comes home to me and hugs me I wash away every toxin that you have covered him in. When he kisses me passionately I am breathing pure oxygen into his system and he breathes clean air once again. And need I state what it is that I give him when he makes passionate love to me.....

Will this never end?

A comment was made on my previous post from a blogger claiming to be a friend of the third person.

It stated "She just wants all of this to be OVER!"

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From: the mistress
Sent: Wednesday, July 05, 2006 4:22 AM
To: my husband
Subject: new website

you look beautiful....I just want to kiss you

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It does not appear that she does want it to be over!

This is a copy of the email that was sent to my husband's work email with regard to his new website which has a pic of him. This email mysteriously appeared in my inbox, sent from an anonymous person claiming to once again be a friend of the third person.

What is your motive? I simply do not understand. If you want this to be over why do you continue to contact my husband? Are you of the opinion that I will leave my husband so you can have him back?

Oh...and the only thing I have edited is the email addresses so as to not identify the parties involved.

Totally blown away!

WOW! I am totally blown away by all the emails of support I have received! It appears that 'Totally Shattered' has a rather large following. I thank each and everyone of you for your emails to check that I am OK.

I was rather angry as you have already gathered by reading my posts. You should read the drafts I have! Maybe one day I will publish them, but then again, maybe I will just hit the delete button.

My blog is not intended to hurt anyone. It is purely an avenue for me to vent my thoughts and feelings as I try and rebuild my marriage. If my blog prevents just one person from experiencing or subjecting someone else to the pain of infidelity then I have achieved something significant.

I acknowledge that my blog is essentially a 'read only' blog with not a lot of room for comments. But rest assured, as asked in emails, I am more than happy for you to comment providing you have something constructive to say.

A beautiful email of support I received indicated that there are three sides to infidelity, not just two. I don't think this blogger had thought about the innocent party's side. But let me assure each and every person, despite all having their own spin on the affair, the only thing in common these 3 persons have is pain and heartache.

I have been doing it tough the last few days so my husband took the day off from work yesterday, which he has NEVER done before, and we had a wonderful day together. I am feeling much better and I will be back later in the week.

Thanks again for all your words of encouragement and support.

shattered

you live you learn

And one just for any person thinking about getting involved with someone that is VERY attached! Great lyrics...don't you think??


"You Learn" by Alanis Morissette
Track 7 from Jagged Little Pill

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

Having a shocker!

Today I am having a shocker....really angry and hurt. Cried last night whilst you just hugged me. Can't really write .....just need to vent.

I think this says it all! Alot of it is appropriate to our situation, but some of it isn't. I guess the overall sentiment is reflective of my current state of mind.


"You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette
Track 2 from Jagged Little Pill

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

The small reassurances that you give me are of little comfort.

"She is nothing to look at" does not make it any easier.

Now that you have tasted sex elsewhere comments such as "It could never be this good with anyone else" just don't cut it either.

You say she is like me....well I beg to differ because I have MORALS and I don't frequently drink myself into a stupor! Nor do I send fake positive pregnancy tests. Nor do I tell my impressionable children lies that could emotionally scar them for life.

But I am going to stop there because I am better than her and don't wish to publicly humiliate an already low self esteemed being.

Now I have vented hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling better.