Figment of my imagination

I have received a few interesting comments in relation to the Mistress and her continuing behaviour and the way in which I have handled various situations.

I have thought long and hard about my blog and have to confess I have seriously considered ceasing blogging altogether. But when I am given something to write about on a continuous basis, why on earth would I stop?

Whilst ever she contacts me or my husband and persists with her behaviour then I will always have something entertaining to write about on my blog.

She has previously told my husband that my blog is 'killing her'. I have two suggestions :

1. Don't read it!

2. Don't give me anything to write about. Don't provide me with any story at all. Don't contact me or my husband. Don't contact any of my blogger buddies, because they WILL send me the details. Just walkaway and leave us alone! Accept his decision and move on.

These are really simple concepts to understand and not at all difficult to grasp.

And I know I have said it before but I will say it again.....I am breaking no laws when it comes to my blog. I have sought independant legal advice in relation to my blog and have been assured I am breaking no laws. There is no party that is involved identified within my blog. Hell, unless you are one of the few I email, then you don't even know where I live!

For all you know the Mistress that I write about could be a figment of my imagination, couldn't she?

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned

And so less than 48 hours ago the Mistress called my husband AGAIN.

She was highly intoxicated on either her $7 a bottle Queen Adelaide Chardonnay or her premixed bourban she drinks straight from the can.

I have to say it was a very interesting conversation as I was with my husband when she called and he put her on loudspeaker so I could hear everything.

She spoke of the fact that he had no remorse about what he had done to her. I find this very interesting when she herself doesn't seem to hold any remorse for what she has done to me! Oh but she has 'apologised' to my husband's first wife who reads my blog and is now a cyber friend of mine.

and I'm really sorry for my part in the pain caused to "the wife".

Is this an apology? Or am I reading too much into it? I know mistresses don't tend have a conscience, so maybe I am just reading too much into it.

If she had any remorse whatsoever she would not be still contacting him! But when you lack self respect and self worth I guess you have a problem dealing with a man rejecting you.

I hear there is a really good book called "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. Perhaps I should send the Mistress a copy of it, as a gift from my husband, to aid her healing. Would that show remorse?

She once again asked "Why?"

Now, once again this raises questions for me. If she broke the affair off, like she adamantly declares on her blog, "Yep! The husband went back to her when I dumped him, 'cos he was a scared wittle boy and didn't want to be awone. There, there diddums. Is wifey drying your tears?",

Or this one

"Mostly, I feel euphoric that the pain and drama of the past 12 months is finished, because I chose to put an end to it."

Or even this one

"I dumped him alright, and he didn't like it one bit. The first time he's ever been dumped on his lying, cheating arse"

then she would not be asking "Why?", would she?

She told him she had changed all her contact details. Personally, I would not have bothered because he was never going to contact her again anyway! What an absolute inconvenience changing all your phone numbers and email addresses. There was no need to flatter herself because he is simply not interested in speaking to her in anyway.

She told him she had to move on. Well honey let's not dawdle. I find it hilariously funny that she emailed me directly three weeks ago and said this :

"I HAVE left your husband's life! My family are suffering BADLY!!! LEAVE US ALONE!!!! WE have moved on. Why won't you?"

I guess it is all about perception as to who has moved on, isn't it?

I tell you what if I knew where she wanted to 'move on' to, I'd even purchase her a one way ticket. I hear Zimbabwe is a great place!

And the final one was "I know some big people in high places that hate you now. Your life is going to change dramatically in the next few weeks."

HHHMMMMM......is that a threat I hear?

Interesting. Very interesting!

I made a mistake!

It appears I made a mistake!

And as a person with integrity, I would like to make an amendment to one of my previous posts. I'd hate to think that I had a lie on my blog so I am now apologising for misleading my readers.

During my phone call with the mistress she was most upset about me quoting the cost of her airfare and hotel as $500.

She sniped at me “Haven’t you heard of Virgin? It was $99. Virgin! Virgin!”

Well as a matter of fact I have heard of Virgin airlines. In fact I actually booked my husband's flight with Virgin on the trip that she accompanied him on. They often have the most amazing one way prices for $99.

So based on what she told me she paid, I can only assume the mistress walked the 1200km home!

I hope she was wearing comfy shoes!

5 minutes of fun

5 minutes of fun worth a lifetime of conscience

So who called the affair off?

One of the things that has continued to play on my mind is who called the affair off. Was it my husband? Or was it the mistress?

Is my husband back because he wants to be? Or is it because she no longer wanted him? Did he decide to take something instead of having nothing? Am I the second best thing?

These questions have been pounding through my head frequently. I have had to sit down and weigh up lots of things. But I have finally been able to settle this within my mind.

The things that helped me do this were:

1. My husband told me he went to her place the night of his birthday to call off the affair. She placed pressure on him in different ways, so he ended up spending the night at her place. She tried to initiate sex, but he states he could not emotionally have intercourse with her.

Now I don't know if this is true or not, but, the following day the mistress has gone on an anonymous blog tirade, leaving nasty comments anonymously all over blog land on my blogger buddies sites. Not only did she leave anonymous comments, she also left them using her username and leaving her personal email address.

Why would you do that if you were not angry and out for revenge? And see the mistress at the same time started blogging intimate details once again about the affair on her blog site so as to draw my blog friends in to view her blog. Great way to make friends in blogland!

2. If the mistress called it off, like she adamantly states, why would she slash her wrists? If one was happy to terminate the relationship then one would not be trying to kill herself or use emotional blackmail for attention.

3. I have the birthday card that she wrote my husband only days before her phone call. He gave it to me to read, because he tells me EVERYTHING these days. Let me tell you the words written within it are not from someone that is about to call off a relationship!

4. If you are happy to walk away from a relationship then you don't go out of your way to cause drama for the other person. You don't go seeking to inflict pain upon these people, afterall you chose to end it for whatever reason, therefore there should be no malice or animosity. You shouldn't be angry because YOU dumped him.

5. If you chose to end the relationship then you would no longer hold any interest in his life. You would not be obsessed with what is going on if you happily walked away. You would hold no interest in reading blogs or leaving comments or even contacting his workmates. You would be cutting all ties if you no longer wanted anything to do with him.

6. You would not ring him again on his mobile to ask "Why?". If you ended the relationship there would be no "Why?" to answer. If the mistress ended the relationship would the "why?" not be asked by my husband?

My powers of deduction indicate to me that my husband did indeed call off the affair. I have to say that many of my questions have been answered by the behaviour and actions of the mistress.

I am certain my husband called off the affair and has returned to me of his own free will. Perhaps I am wrong, but my husband's behaviour tells me everyday that he loves me and WANTS to be here with me.

First joke was on me

One of the questions I asked the mistress during her phone call was why she continued to hack into my email account. (Yes she has done it again!)

I asked her what she was scared of? She told me she wasn't scared of anything.

I asked her what she was hoping to find. She told me she didn't know what I was talking about.

I asked her why she continued to hack into my account. She told me she wasn't that good that she would be able to hack into anyone's email account.

I asked her who did it for her. She told me she wouldn't tell me because she was protecting someone.

She has made allegations that my husband was the one who originally hacked into my email account. It is rather funny that he was in my company for the entire day when this occured the first time.

She has made suggestions that my husband sent her the photo entitled File:firstjokewasonme.JPG that was in my email account. (keep reading....you will understand more at the end of the post). I also find this very interesting considering my husband does not know the passwords to my accounts!

Now I guess you don't need to be a rocket scientist to work out who did what when you read the following emails. I have placed them in sequence for easy reading.

Once again the only thing that has been edited is the email addresses!


_____________________________________________

From: The Mistress
Sent: Tuesday, 26 September 2006
To: My husband
Subject: RE:


<< File: firstjokewasonme[1].JPG >>

What a spunk!




-----Original Message-----

From: My Husband
Sent: Tuesday, 26 September 2006
To: The Mistress
Subject: RE:

Where on earth did you get that one from ?



_____________________________________________
From: The Mistress
Sent: Tuesday, September 26, 2006
To: My Husband
Subject: RE:

she won't know I've done anything - but at least I now know the bits you leave out

you really are a cunning prick aren't you?

I'll talk to you later and let you know how to view the interesting info that I have.




And she sent them written in hot pink too!

So to answer your question the photo was a photo of my husband and his first wife on their wedding day that the first wife sent to me (Hiya SA!!!).

Based on the information at hand make your own deduction as to who hacked in to my email account!

An enlightening experience

So a few minutes later she called again. I answered the phone and had the pleasure....umm, no. The honour....umm, no that is not the right word either. The enlightening experience...... yep that will do, of talking to the mistress.

Initially all I could hear was her screaming in the background. I could also hear other people so knew that she had people with her and therefore would receive any medical treatment that was necessary.

She finally came to the phone and I asked her what was going on. She yelled at me. She swore at me. She called me names.

She told me she was having a 'meltdown'. I asked her if she had slashed her wrists. She told me she had cut one but it was not life threatening. I asked her where her children were. She told me they were there witnessing this episode.

At this realisation she then turned around and screamed for "somebody to get these fucking children out of here". She then proceeded to speak to me again.

I was called a "fucking cow", a "fucking lunatic" and a "fucking nutcase" amongst other things that I can't recall. She even addressed me by name, frequently calling me "Jane fucking Smith".

She was extremely irrational on the phone. I was amazed at how well I kept my cool and did not react to her in the way she was trying to get me to. She was trying to make me react by saying so many nasty and spiteful things. So let's address some of these things.


1. She told me she never saw herself as the other woman.

Interesting concept. She obviously sees me as the other woman, hence her behaviour towards me. But then I am criticised for having any feelings of animosity toward her. Go figure!


2. She told me my marriage was over when she met my husband, hence the reason she became involved with him.

In the next breath she went on to tell me my husband and I were trying to conceive another child in January, the month after she became intimately involved with him. I would of thought that if a couple were trying to concieve that this meant they were very much married. Perhaps I am wrong. Maybe you do just have children with someone for the sake of having children.


3. She was pregnant and miscarried in January so the pregnancy test she sent my husband was real.

So at NO stage has she told my husband she was pregnant.

After my husband originally came back to me, she sent the positive pregnancy test with a letter saying she had terminated the pregnancy (Remember she is a master at emotional blackmail). The following week she then told my husband that it was a pregnancy test from her last pregnancy, the child is now 2 years old, and that she was never pregnant.

And now she tells me she miscarried. Weigh up the information at hand and make up your own mind in relation to this 'pregnancy'. That's what I did.



4. She told me that my husband has had 6 affairs in the time that we have been together.

This concerns me. Why on earth, if you had any sort of self worth, would you want to be involved with anyone that admits to having 6 affairs whilst with someone?

Mistress went on to ask me if I wanted to know who they were. Of course, given the opportunity, I asked for the details. Mistress gave me 2 names.

I had to contain my laughter! I actually just about wet myself with her suggestions. She used one situation that my husband told her about and tried to turn it around. She mentioned this persons name and suggested my husband had sex with this woman in a public carpark.

My husband is SSSSOOOOO not into public sex. Trust me, I've tried and I know! Even in the sand dunes on a beach late at night was a problem for him!

And furthermore, I have actually spoken to this particular female on the phone about her proposition to my husband and she openly admitted to me that she tried it and he knocked her back and that she knew that it was never going to happen.

Try again Mistress! You just weren't smart enough with this one!



There were many other things that were 'discussed' during my enlightening experience talking to the Mistress. I think they deserve individual posts so will post more in the next few days.

And so the mistress calls

It is the night after my husband told me he couldn't live without me.

Picture this......it is 10.15pm and I am sitting in a gorgeous spa bath filled with bubbles with my husband and both of us are holding a glass of Baileys on ice. The bathroom is painted in soft candlelight, the flames flickering off the shiny tiles, and music is playing softly in the background.

My husband's mobile rings. He jumps out of the bath to answer it but misses the call. He places it in easy reach and gets back into the bath with me. The phone rings again.

This time my husband answers it. It is the mistress. She is distressed and states she has slashed her wrists.

I took the phone from my husband and proceeded to speak to the mistress. I asked her why she would not stay away and accept his decision. She was extremely distressed and rather irrational on the phone. I again asked her why she was doing this and would not leave us be.

She responded with something along the lines "Staying away would mean I have to be in my grave. And I am going to do just that. Good Luck."

She then terminated the call.

I love you so much it hurts

He stayed the night with me. We hugged. He seemed to cling to me like a baby koala clings to its mother. He cried, seemingly endless streams of tears.

There was an eerie feeling between us. I never thought that the marriage would rekindle. I was still of the belief that it was over. And I was OK with this. I had obviously reached the point of acceptance.

However, I needed to be there for him. I needed to console him and wipe away his tears. I needed to hug him and tell him that he would be OK. I guess it was my way of saying "I understand how you are feeling" and also to thank him for the many times he dried my tears and hugged me whilst I was ravaged by the darkness of depression.

So the following morning he called me at work. He was in tears. He was so upset. All he could do was apologise to me. He continued to cry and ask me to give us another chance. I can't remember the exact conversation because I was still in a daze. I was so worried about him.

He sent me a continuos flow of text messages to my phone.

"I love u so much it hurts. Please roll with me"

"I need u! The tears are rolling down my face as I write this. This could be the hardest thing we have ever done. If we pull it off it will be so worth it"

"Please forgive me. Please allow me 2 love u with all of my heart"

"R u with me?"

I could not respond to him in anyway.

So he came straight to my workplace to see me in my lunch break. It was an extremely emotional lunch. He held my hand and he cried. He could not stop crying and apologising to me. He spoke to me with so much pain in his voice. His bottom lip quivered with every word he spoke. He fought back tears.

He acknowledged how much pain he had caused me. He told me that the greatest thing that he had learnt is how much I meant to him and how much he loves me and how special what we had was. He told me that he believed no-one could possibly love him in the way that I loved him and that he could never love somebody as deeply as he loved me. He stated he desperately wanted that back.

He told me that his greatest wish was to start with a clean slate but he knew that this was not possible because of the hurt he had caused. He told me that he would give everything he had to make this marriage work if I would give him another chance. He also told me that he was aware that it would take me years to get over this and I probably would never get over it completely.

He told me he never stopped loving me and that he never wanted the marriage to be over. He realised that the love he had for me was stronger than anything that he had ever experienced in his life, including the love he felt for the mistress.

He also realised that although he believed he was self sufficient, that he was not at all self sufficient. He told me so many things that he had realised about himself that I was shocked.

He acknowledged how self destructive his behaviour throughout his life was, not only to himself but also to those around him. He raised issues that he now knows he must address in order to live a happy and fulfilling life.

He acknowledged that if he never had the mistress around that he would be working on his marriage and giving it his all. He realised that he has never given the marriage a chance since he told me about the affair because he has kept in contact with the mistress.

He told me that he did not want to live without me.

Treading water

So I found myself treading water. I could not make any decision and neither could my husband. He seemed just as confused as me. Both of us just seemed to exist. Neither of us could commit anything to the other person and I guess both of us believed that the marriage was over.

It truly was a bizarre feeling that surrounded us. There were no tears, just an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I still had many unanswered questions but I accepted that they would never be answered.

I found myself in an extremely difficult position. It was my husband's birthday, a milestone birthday at that. I had to purchase him a gift from the children. I did not want to cross any boundaries and found it extremely difficult to find a personal gift that did not make either of us feel uncomfortable.

I found a couple of gifts from the children, but I also wanted to get him something. I wanted something meaningful, but not too personal. It was tough but I eventually found something.

The toughest part of this whole exercise was finding a card for him. Everything I picked up just did not seem suitable. It was too lovey dovey or expressed nothing at all. Eventually, after checking out approximately 6 different shops and purchasing 5 different cards, I found the perfect card.

The following day we went out for his birthday lunch. He had chosen one of our favourite restaurants. It was a bittersweet lunch for me because we were originally going to hold our wedding reception at this restaurant. But despite the lack of feeling between us, we all had a wonderful time.

The following night was an interesting night. My husband was showing signs of depression. I know all too well what depression is having suffered post natal depression after the birth of our children.

I comforted him and told him that what he was feeling was normal. He was grieving, something that he has never really experienced. I told him that he needed to allow himself the time to grieve and that it would pass in time.

I discussed with him the process of grieving, and reminded him of the stages that he would face. We discussed the time we were grieving for our first conceived child we lost through miscarriage. He remembered the stages I went through and then felt comforted knowing what he was experiencing was real and perfectly normal. I hugged him and wiped away his tears, not expecting anything from him. I was merely comforting my friend.

And that is exactly what it felt like..... comforting a friend in their time of need.

Drowning in the Sea of Confusion

I promised that I would start to fill the gaps of the last few weeks. So much has happened, but it is all so pivotal to my marriage at the moment.

My husband told me he was still in love with the Mistress. I accepted this and emotionally released myself from my marriage. I conceded defeat and within my heart I set my husband free. As a result of my acceptance I wrote this post.

I cannot begin to describe the feeling of relief that washed over me. I no longer cried although I felt alone and empty. My husband and I shared most of the weekend together and he appeared to be relieved also. He was so different toward me. He was once again loving and caring, which only confused me more.

I did not read anything into it. I did not give myself false hope. I so wanted him to hold me and touch me and tell me how much he loved me, but I accepted that this was not the way he felt.

I realised that I had turned the corner. I was on the path of self healing. I was on the road to recovery. I had set my husband free. I had released him to the wild and at the same time released my heart.

I came home from work late and was greeted at the door by my husband. He bent down and kissed me passionately. He had prepared an absolutely divine meal for us. The table setting was gorgeous, with a beautiful fresh bunch of flowers and candles softly lighting up the room. He had a selection of CD's playing in the background.

It was so romantic. This was the man I fell in love with, but this was also the man I had released from my heart. I was totally confused with what I was confronted with.

We had a wonderful meal and we talked. He was telling me how much he loved me and that he had spoken to his mother. He advised her that he was going to spend the rest of his life with me and that things had to be rectified between her and I.

After dinner, whilst we were still drinking our bottle of champagne he purchased to celebrate, he advised me that he had still been seeing the mistress. He told me that he had to tell me this because if our marriage was going to work then he had to tell me everything. He could have no secrets.

I felt as though I was being pulled out to sea by a current so strong it was impossible to swim against. All of a sudden the current would throw me back the other way and then smash me upon some rocks. I was angry. I was confused. I was hurt. I wrote this post. My husband tried to console me but it didn't work.

I just did not expect any of this. I had walked away from my marriage. I had given up. I had conceded defeat. I couldn't cope with this. I had just felt the greatest sense of relief by walking away, and now all of a sudden I was being strangled by confusing thoughts and unanswered questions.

The next couple of days were a blur. I found myself unable to get out of bed. I cried the entire day apart from yelling at my husband. I guess it all became too much for him because he once again became indifferent toward me. He once again had doubts as to whether or not he wanted the marriage.

Once again I found myself being thrown up against the rocks and left in a sea of confusion.

Please do not wake me

I am back from spending a wonderful weekend away. The last two weeks have been incredible. So much has happened and yet part of me feels that nothing has changed. I promise that I will fill in the gaps from this period over the next week or so.

But as requested in emails and comments let me tell you about my weekend!

My husband and I went away together. We went to my home town, the town where I grew up. The town we first met and fell in love. The town in which we shared so many happy moments and created wonderful memories.

There were times over the weekend when I experienced bittersweet feelings. It was like I had time warped back to the start of our relationship, and all the hurt and pain seemed to disappear. But then there were times when I realised that we were there trying to reconnect after the most horrendous 18 months.

But I am excited to say that the weekend proved to be a period of rediscovery for both of us. We did so many things together and had an absolutely wonderful time.

We communicated to each other on a level that has not existed for what seems to be an eternity. We learnt new things about each other and also about ourselves as individuals.

We drove past my old house that I lived in when we first met. We drove past the first house we lived in together. We drove past our favourite spots and reminisced about the really good times that we shared.

Without my knowledge my husband had organised for our children to be looked after and he took me out for dinner. We had the most amazing evening. He took me to one of our favourite restaurants on the harbour's foreshore that we often went to whilst living in my home town.

We sat and drank a beautiful bottle of wine whilst watching the gorgeous pink and orange colours of the sunset as the ships entered and left the harbour. The cityscape painted the perfect picture with the gorgeous night lights reflecting off the beautiful blue water of the harbour and beach.

After dinner my husband and I walked hand in hand along the beach. It was a perfect night for walking along the water's edge. The water was beautiful and warm, and the breeze was a perfect temperature, not cold, but crisp and cool whilst blowing against our faces.

We strolled along the breakwall to the lighthouse that was lighting up the night sky. My husband turned to me and held me tight. He looked down at me whilst holding my face in his hands. He had tears in his eyes and he said something along these lines to me :

"I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused. I realise now how much I love you and never wanted the marriage to end. I thought you would never forgive me and what I have done to you."

"Let me be the lighthouse that guides you through these stormy waters, the same way you have guided me the last 4 months. Let me be the light that lights up your heart and your life. Please let us have what we had before."

He then kissed me. He kissed me so passionately, as though it was the first time he had ever kissed me. I felt the flutters in my stomach. It was an amazing feeling. Even now when I think about that kiss, I still feel the flutters.

I am still in a daze after the last 2 weeks. Everything feels so surreal at the moment. I have this underlying fear that I will awake and realise that this was a dream. I keep pinching myself, and asking myself "Is this happening? Is this REALLY happening?"

This dream is providing me with peace, a feeling I have not felt for a long time. I feel comfort. I feel security. I feel loved. I feel wanted.

If I am dreaming please do not wake me.

Taking a break

Just a quick post to say I am taking a few days off.

I will be back in a couple of days to fill all the gaps of the last few weeks.

Thanks to all my readers who offer me encouragement and support through your comments and personal emails!


Shattered