I love you so much it hurts
He stayed the night with me. We hugged. He seemed to cling to me like a baby koala clings to its mother. He cried, seemingly endless streams of tears.
There was an eerie feeling between us. I never thought that the marriage would rekindle. I was still of the belief that it was over. And I was OK with this. I had obviously reached the point of acceptance.
However, I needed to be there for him. I needed to console him and wipe away his tears. I needed to hug him and tell him that he would be OK. I guess it was my way of saying "I understand how you are feeling" and also to thank him for the many times he dried my tears and hugged me whilst I was ravaged by the darkness of depression.
So the following morning he called me at work. He was in tears. He was so upset. All he could do was apologise to me. He continued to cry and ask me to give us another chance. I can't remember the exact conversation because I was still in a daze. I was so worried about him.
He sent me a continuos flow of text messages to my phone.
"I love u so much it hurts. Please roll with me"
"I need u! The tears are rolling down my face as I write this. This could be the hardest thing we have ever done. If we pull it off it will be so worth it"
"Please forgive me. Please allow me 2 love u with all of my heart"
"R u with me?"
I could not respond to him in anyway.
So he came straight to my workplace to see me in my lunch break. It was an extremely emotional lunch. He held my hand and he cried. He could not stop crying and apologising to me. He spoke to me with so much pain in his voice. His bottom lip quivered with every word he spoke. He fought back tears.
He acknowledged how much pain he had caused me. He told me that the greatest thing that he had learnt is how much I meant to him and how much he loves me and how special what we had was. He told me that he believed no-one could possibly love him in the way that I loved him and that he could never love somebody as deeply as he loved me. He stated he desperately wanted that back.
He told me that his greatest wish was to start with a clean slate but he knew that this was not possible because of the hurt he had caused. He told me that he would give everything he had to make this marriage work if I would give him another chance. He also told me that he was aware that it would take me years to get over this and I probably would never get over it completely.
He told me he never stopped loving me and that he never wanted the marriage to be over. He realised that the love he had for me was stronger than anything that he had ever experienced in his life, including the love he felt for the mistress.
He also realised that although he believed he was self sufficient, that he was not at all self sufficient. He told me so many things that he had realised about himself that I was shocked.
He acknowledged how self destructive his behaviour throughout his life was, not only to himself but also to those around him. He raised issues that he now knows he must address in order to live a happy and fulfilling life.
He acknowledged that if he never had the mistress around that he would be working on his marriage and giving it his all. He realised that he has never given the marriage a chance since he told me about the affair because he has kept in contact with the mistress.
He told me that he did not want to live without me.
There was an eerie feeling between us. I never thought that the marriage would rekindle. I was still of the belief that it was over. And I was OK with this. I had obviously reached the point of acceptance.
However, I needed to be there for him. I needed to console him and wipe away his tears. I needed to hug him and tell him that he would be OK. I guess it was my way of saying "I understand how you are feeling" and also to thank him for the many times he dried my tears and hugged me whilst I was ravaged by the darkness of depression.
So the following morning he called me at work. He was in tears. He was so upset. All he could do was apologise to me. He continued to cry and ask me to give us another chance. I can't remember the exact conversation because I was still in a daze. I was so worried about him.
He sent me a continuos flow of text messages to my phone.
"I love u so much it hurts. Please roll with me"
"I need u! The tears are rolling down my face as I write this. This could be the hardest thing we have ever done. If we pull it off it will be so worth it"
"Please forgive me. Please allow me 2 love u with all of my heart"
"R u with me?"
I could not respond to him in anyway.
So he came straight to my workplace to see me in my lunch break. It was an extremely emotional lunch. He held my hand and he cried. He could not stop crying and apologising to me. He spoke to me with so much pain in his voice. His bottom lip quivered with every word he spoke. He fought back tears.
He acknowledged how much pain he had caused me. He told me that the greatest thing that he had learnt is how much I meant to him and how much he loves me and how special what we had was. He told me that he believed no-one could possibly love him in the way that I loved him and that he could never love somebody as deeply as he loved me. He stated he desperately wanted that back.
He told me that his greatest wish was to start with a clean slate but he knew that this was not possible because of the hurt he had caused. He told me that he would give everything he had to make this marriage work if I would give him another chance. He also told me that he was aware that it would take me years to get over this and I probably would never get over it completely.
He told me he never stopped loving me and that he never wanted the marriage to be over. He realised that the love he had for me was stronger than anything that he had ever experienced in his life, including the love he felt for the mistress.
He also realised that although he believed he was self sufficient, that he was not at all self sufficient. He told me so many things that he had realised about himself that I was shocked.
He acknowledged how self destructive his behaviour throughout his life was, not only to himself but also to those around him. He raised issues that he now knows he must address in order to live a happy and fulfilling life.
He acknowledged that if he never had the mistress around that he would be working on his marriage and giving it his all. He realised that he has never given the marriage a chance since he told me about the affair because he has kept in contact with the mistress.
He told me that he did not want to live without me.
posted by kissmekate at 7:04 pm
6 Comments:
Can't wait until you guys get back to the point that your love does NOT hurt. It is going to take some time for sure, but I think you guys will find your way!! :)
I am so glad your old man has finally worked it out, that YOU are the ONE and how he almost lost you Shattered. I hope he is spoiling you like crazy while the kids are away too !!
How are you doing with all of this, that is a lot to handle and deal with. I hope you are staying strong, and keeping your head up.
sounds like he's really suffering. When do you think that you'll let him back inside?
I agree with you - I think that you should take your time until you are completely comfortable
I don't want to congratulate you just yet, I know how much you both are hurting. I can imagine how you feel when he is telling you how sorry he is (I went through the same thing, I also took him back but 15 years later, I just could not do it, not because of the affair, just because he was an asshole so don't judge this as the same). I wish you luck, it will take work but you can make it work, you just have to believe that it is worth it.
Good luck honey, remember though...baby steps. It's ok to be open for possibilities, just protect yourself and your interests because you are the only one who will!
Hugs! It had to be a good feeling to just have him acknowledge his feelings. It must have been very cleansing...and is he EVER LUCKY he can come cry on your shoulders after everything he has done...I know I wouldn't have been able to be as kind as you were to him.
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