Thursday, October 05, 2006

Drowning in the Sea of Confusion

I promised that I would start to fill the gaps of the last few weeks. So much has happened, but it is all so pivotal to my marriage at the moment.

My husband told me he was still in love with the Mistress. I accepted this and emotionally released myself from my marriage. I conceded defeat and within my heart I set my husband free. As a result of my acceptance I wrote this post.

I cannot begin to describe the feeling of relief that washed over me. I no longer cried although I felt alone and empty. My husband and I shared most of the weekend together and he appeared to be relieved also. He was so different toward me. He was once again loving and caring, which only confused me more.

I did not read anything into it. I did not give myself false hope. I so wanted him to hold me and touch me and tell me how much he loved me, but I accepted that this was not the way he felt.

I realised that I had turned the corner. I was on the path of self healing. I was on the road to recovery. I had set my husband free. I had released him to the wild and at the same time released my heart.

I came home from work late and was greeted at the door by my husband. He bent down and kissed me passionately. He had prepared an absolutely divine meal for us. The table setting was gorgeous, with a beautiful fresh bunch of flowers and candles softly lighting up the room. He had a selection of CD's playing in the background.

It was so romantic. This was the man I fell in love with, but this was also the man I had released from my heart. I was totally confused with what I was confronted with.

We had a wonderful meal and we talked. He was telling me how much he loved me and that he had spoken to his mother. He advised her that he was going to spend the rest of his life with me and that things had to be rectified between her and I.

After dinner, whilst we were still drinking our bottle of champagne he purchased to celebrate, he advised me that he had still been seeing the mistress. He told me that he had to tell me this because if our marriage was going to work then he had to tell me everything. He could have no secrets.

I felt as though I was being pulled out to sea by a current so strong it was impossible to swim against. All of a sudden the current would throw me back the other way and then smash me upon some rocks. I was angry. I was confused. I was hurt. I wrote this post. My husband tried to console me but it didn't work.

I just did not expect any of this. I had walked away from my marriage. I had given up. I had conceded defeat. I couldn't cope with this. I had just felt the greatest sense of relief by walking away, and now all of a sudden I was being strangled by confusing thoughts and unanswered questions.

The next couple of days were a blur. I found myself unable to get out of bed. I cried the entire day apart from yelling at my husband. I guess it all became too much for him because he once again became indifferent toward me. He once again had doubts as to whether or not he wanted the marriage.

Once again I found myself being thrown up against the rocks and left in a sea of confusion.


Anonymous Mackenzie1975 said...

This is a rollercoaster for sure. I will be glad when the ride is over and you two can walk around at your leisure in the theme park of life.
Thanks for fillin' us in!!!!!!!

Thu Oct 05, 10:59:00 pm AEST  
Anonymous sandman said...

Oh mac ya pinched my word, i was thinking rollercoaster too, ok how about extreme sports.

Thu Oct 05, 11:04:00 pm AEST  
Blogger SolarisGal said...

Wow, I don't know what to say after reading this tidbit.

It does seem like one of those "extreme ride" roller coasters - the ones that make you sick.

If someone is in love, can the love be removed so easily? Or was he just infatuated? I don't know - for him to tell you that he's in love with someone else - and then just the other week, would be a little too much roller coaster for me to stomach.

No wonder you've been a mess these past few weeks!

Thu Oct 05, 11:20:00 pm AEST  
Blogger shattered said...

Solaris I have been struggling with this also. I guess he was looking at bigger picture stuff.

As a woman you can't begin to understand how you can just switch that off, can you? But I guess my husband was comparing his 'love' side by side, weighing it all up.

But guiys let me tell you.....this is just the first dip in this rollercoaster ride!

Stay tuned!!!!

Fri Oct 06, 08:05:00 am AEST  
Anonymous sandman said...

I think you girls should consider publishing your "blogs" honest they'd be a best seller.
I am staying tuned lol

Fri Oct 06, 08:15:00 am AEST  
Anonymous Mackenzie1975 said...

Well...FUNNY you should say that sandman...
Other people have suggested that as well!!!!!!!!

Fri Oct 06, 01:48:00 pm AEST  
Blogger Emily said...

Wow, is it just the fact that I am so lacking in sleep (1 year old in the house) that makes this look so exhausting?

Shattered, I think you will find your equilibrium, but it may take some time. You don't actually have to make major decisions yet, and perhaps you shouldn't until you have had a chance to see how long this changed behaviour of his lasts.

I don't mean that in a cynical way. People can change. But they don't usually change overnight, even if they want to.

I know that I would find it very difficult to make such an important decision after two such confusing and intense weeks.

Maybe just chill out a bit. Calm down. Do some nice stuff for yourself. Let him spoil you if he wants. Breathe deep. Take lovely long baths. Relax. All will ultimately be revealed, and it may be better to pace yourself, because I think this is going to a be a longish journey.

Fri Oct 06, 09:00:00 pm AEST  
Blogger Frannie Farmer said...

Wow .. if you can imagine I have read through your entire blog in the past few days. It is heartbreaking to me that you have had to experience this.
My first reaction is to tell you to get rid of the husband. But as a wife who loves her husband dearly, has children with him, and can't imagine a life without him .. I can only say that my heart is soo with you.
I have continuously put myself in your shoes since reading this, trying to come up with words of wisdom, but they just aren't there. Other than to say - Pray!
Sounds simple, but sometimes the answers are simple.
Bless you.

Sat Oct 07, 09:56:00 am AEST  
Blogger JQ75 said...

I'd echo emily's advice.

Can someone help you by giving him advice (you don't need the extra aggravation)? He needs to realize that the short term thrill of the fling will cause long term problems and just isn't worth it.

After a friend let's him realize he's got to do the right thing, then he should see a professional to screw his head back on straight.

--Take care of yourself

Sat Oct 07, 03:07:00 pm AEST  
Blogger S* said...

I'm thinking maybe you should just take some time away from him, a couple of weeks maybe where you don't have any contact with him in any form. This might give you time to sort through your feelings without distraction and influence from him and perhaps this will give him time to realize how much he needs you. Just a suggestion.

Chin up, doll!

Sun Oct 08, 04:32:00 am AEST  

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