Ain't no bed of roses

Tonight I have had a night of reflection. I have re read my posts and I am amazed at how I have held myself together. You must be thinking that I am so strong. Let me assure you that this journey is no bed of roses. There are sharp and vicious thorns waiting to pierce at any moment. There is raw emotion here, tearing at me on a daily basis.

I am weak and very vulnerable. I am extremely fragile. It feels like I am wandering aimlessly in the deep forest at night, alone. I hear every little noise and react.

I hate who I have become. I am untrusting and disbelieving, even as you assure me how much you love me and how sorry you are for causing this pain. It seems like I am watching your every move, a feeling I am not used to as we have always had a very trusting relationship where each person was their own being. I feel consumed by distrust and detest the overpowering feeling and burden this is placing on me.

Ironic that you are my support at the moment, hugging me and consoling me as I deal with this pain. You caused the pain and yet you take it away so freely without hesitation. There are days when I don't want you near me and you accept this. You read the unspoken word well and you venture over to me and hug me, only to have me dissolve into tears against your chest.

I have good days and I have bad days. There are days when I want to scream at you but somehow I hold it all in. I know I have to restrain myself from spitting venomous comments at you if this is going to work. I know I cannot be angry with you forever, but right now you are happy for me to be angry with you. You are just so grateful for being given another chance.

The morning after

Well it certainly wasn't a typical 'morning after', but yet it felt like we had just met. There was a different feeling between us that I simply cannot find words for to accurately describe.

You had left for work by the time I got up. You called from work to thank me for giving us another chance. It was obvious you were extremely emotional. You could not wait to get home to me and actually left work early to come home.

When you arrived you knelt in front of me and placed your head in my lap. There was no need for words as you sobbed uncontrollably for an extended period of time. I tried to comfort you but you were beyond consoling. You simply sobbed in my lap whilst I ran my fingers through your beautiful soft curls.

When you finally looked up at me my heart melted. Why were you the one with the pain in your eyes? Your tear streaked face looking up at me made me realise why I had fallen in love with you all those years ago. And then you spoke to me, in a voice that was filled with pain. All you could say was "I am so sorry" and "Thank you for giving me another chance".

You apologised for failing me as a husband and treating me so poorly. You quoted Jack Nicholsan and said "You make me want to be a better man". Ironic really when "As Good as it Gets" was the movie we saw together on the night that we met.

You struck at my heart when you told me "I have just stabbed you, and stabbed you, and stabbed you. I cannot believe how badly I have treated you. I am so sorry."

You continually said "I cannot believe how much you love me. Thank you for loving me." You were like the little lost boy that had finally made his way home to the comfort of familiar surroundings and unconditional love.

I think you and I both found our way home on that morning. And most importantly, we both found our reason.

"The Reason" by Hoobastank
Track 8 on the album "The Reason"

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Drifting for so long....

I will never forget the moment you told me about her. You called me at some ungodly hour of the morning because you were worried about me. You started crying, telling me that you thought I hated you. You were telling me that you loved me and you were sorry. I knew straight away who it was....even you were surprised at my intuition.

I didn't sleep that night and you called me several times and had lengthy discussions with me.

You came to me the following morning and we laid in bed and hugged. You were amazed at my strength and continued to thank me. We spent the day together, and yet you still felt so distant despite your continued apologies for letting me down and constantly hurting me.

That night you called her and advised her that you would not be going back to her. You came to my house and spent the night with me. You held me and kissed me like you haven't done in what seemed like an absolute eternity. We both cried and fell asleep like we used to ......held tight in each other's arms.

Now that I look back on the last 6 months I can't help but think how apt the song 'Drifting' by Sarah McLachlan is to you and your life.

'Drifting' from afterglow
Written and performed by Sarah McLachlan

You've been gone so long all that you know
has been shuffled aside as you bask in the glow
of the beautiful strangers who whisper your name
do they fill up the emptiness?

[Chorus]
Larger than life is your fiction
In a universe made up of one
You have been drifting for so long
I know you don't want to come down
Somewhere below you, there's people who love you
And they're ready for you to come home
Please come home

You walk in a room and the world stops to stare
Mesmerize all who are caught in the glare
Of the spotlight that follows wherever you go
Does it light up the emptiness?

[Chorus]
Larger than life is your fiction
In a universe made up of one
You have been drifting for so long
I know you don't want to come down
Somewhere below you, there's people who love you
And they're ready for you to come home
Please come home


Last night as we lay embracing on the lounge room floor listening to CDs, drinking red wine and bourbon, and chatting about trivial things such as what you were wearing on our first date, I couldn't help but wonder if you truly have returned to me.

My darling husband you have finally come home. Welcome back!

So the pieces finally fit

So the pieces finally fit together in this puzzle called our marriage. You've been having an affair. I can now make sense of your behaviour for the last 2 months.

This final piece of the puzzle means that all the confusing thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing now make more sense to me. I can see why you have behaved in the manner that you have and why you could not commit to me and would not engage in discussion about our future.

You were caught up between the lust of a new relationship, the sweet tasting forbidden fruit, and the comfort and security of a long term marriage, often sour and bitter to taste unless the fruit is nurtured. There is no wonder you were confused. Really difficult place to be - between a lust filled relationship with someone who does not see the cracks within you and a person that has been through a hell of a lot with you and appears to be quite negative toward you.

I wanted you to have an affair so I could hate you and yet I find myself in an interesting position as I still can't hate you.

I just cannot understand my feelings. I don't feel anything. There is no hatred or bitterness. I am completely void of emotion. I have not cried. I have not screamed or yelled. It is as though I am emotionally blocked. I feel like I am simply existing.

I find myself understanding your actions and of your decision to step outside the boundaries of your marriage. Why? Why am I understanding of this? Why I am I not feeling the pain that goes hand in hand with unfaithful partners? Why am I not riding the rollercoaster of emotions that is usually associated with finding out your partner is having an affair? I have tried to answer these questions but I simply can't. Maybe it is because I have come to realise how much I love you. Maybe I have finally experienced unconditional love. Maybe I am accepting of how my behaviour has contributed to your need to get love elsewhere.

Please do not get me wrong. Just because I understand you straying does not mean that I accept it. I accept your remorse and your feelings of guilt and betrayal. I accept your apologies and that you are experiencing feelings of deceit and manipulation. I guess time will tell if I can really accept the fact that you chose to go beyond the boundaries of your marriage.