Totally Shattered

Marriage Is...

2006-11-06T21:12:00.000+11:00

Marriage Is...

A commitment. Its success doesn't
depend on feelings, circumstances, or
moods ~ but on two people who are
loyal to each other and the vows they
took on their wedding day...

Marriage Is...

Hard work. It means chores, disagreements,
misunderstandings, and times when you
might not like each other very much. When
you work at it together, it can be the
greatest blessing in the world.

A relationship where two people must listen,
compromise, and respect. It's an arrangement
that requires a multitude of decisions to be
made together. Listening, respecting, and
compromising go a long way toward keeping
peace and harmony.

Marriage Is...

A union in which two people learn from
their mistakes, accept each other's faults,
and wilingly adjust behaviours that need to
be changed. It's caring enough about each
other to work through disappointing and
hurtful times, and believing in the love that
brought you together in the first place.

Patience and forgiveness. It's being open
and honest, thoughtful and kind.
Marriage means talking things out,
making necessary changes, and forgiving
each other. It's unconditional love at its
most understanding and vulnerable ~ love
that supports, comforts, and is determined to
triumph over every challenge and adversity.

Marriage is a partnership of two unique
people who bring out the very best in each
other and who know that even though they
are wonderful as individuals... they are even
better together.

Barbara Cage

When I read this verse my eyes fill with tears. I have learnt so much about myself, my husband and marriage. Had my husband not had an affair I really do believe that my marriage would have failed. Now I see there is hope for my marriage.

My relationship with my husband was truly special, something that very few couples ever experience. Right now I am not sure if we will ever have that again.

What I do know is that I have to give myself a chance to heal from this traumatic experience. I am exhausted. I am tired both physically and emotionally.

I no longer feel it is in my best interest to continue blogging. I once wrote a post on the 'Tiny window of hope' that related to the continued contact with the Mistress keeping her hopes alive. Whilst ever she reads my blog she has an insight into my life.

I have reached the stage where I realise she does not deserve to see what happens to my marriage. And therefore this will be my last ever post on 'Totally Shattered'.

To all my readers I thank you for your comments and support during the last however many months you have read my blog. Shattered will one day be back but probably in hardback on the bookshelves.

Feel free to drop me an email so I can keep you updated!

Thanks again
Shattered

He will wait for that day

2006-11-06T20:20:00.001+11:00

I was reading one of my favourite blogs today and came across a very moving post that relates so well to my life at the moment.

We all know 'Goodbye my Lover" by James Blunt, and in fact this is one of my favourite CD's at the moment. I guess the thing that got me the most from the clip I viewed today are the words that accompany it.

The man goes all out to impress the woman. He presents her with a bunch of flowers and says:

"I know you don't have love to give me today

But I am sure someday you will have.....I'm sure

And I will wait for that day

because I know that day will come.....I'm sure

But for today, please have faith in my love

Because I know it's enough for both of us."

My husband has said goodbye to his Mistress and wants nothing else but to rebuild our marriage. He tries every single day to regain my trust and show me how much he loves me.

The other night I was angry with him. I had to go to a meeting on the other side of town. Whilst I was at that meeting he filled my car with bunches of beautiful fresh flowers and love notes. I could not believe it and nor could my friends that were with me!

He left a card for me saying "I'd like to apply for the position of making you feel as special as you are."

At the moment I struggle. On a daily basis I struggle. I find I cannot give myself completely to my husband. I am sure that the day when I can give myself to him both emotionally and physically will come. I know my husband is patiently waiting for this day to arrive and will wait for an eternity if needed.

He tells me everyday how sorry he is and how much he loves me. He tells me that he has never loved anyone like he loves me, and that what we had was so special that he could never find that with anyone else.

He thanks me everyday for giving him another day. And each day he is given he believes is a miracle and a blessing.

After reading the post on the other blog today, I realised that my husband's love is enough for both of us. I do have faith in the love that we had, and believe that we will pull through this with time.

I know my husband will wait for the time when the good days outweigh the bad, but I should not take him for granted like I do. I should be focussing my energy on healing the wounds that constantly cuase me pain. I also know that I am not giving us the chance to heal and come through this whilst I focus my energies elsewhere.

And so my loyal readers I thank you for your support during the last 6 months, but Shattered is going to teach her new employee how to make her feel special!

Shattered will continue to write, just not via a public forum. Feel free to drop me an email so I can keep in touch with you.

I wish all of you the very best and look forward to catching up with soon. Shattered will be back one day!

No need for words

2006-11-02T23:54:00.001+11:00

He rubbed his hands through my wet hair and looked down at me. He looked deep within my eyes. Neither of us spoke. There was no need for words.

He lowered his head down to mine and his quivering lips met mine. He kissed me, tenderly and passionately.

His hands began to explore my body with his fingers gently kneading my skin. His mouth followed his fingers like ants following a trail of crumbs.

He continued to caress me, tenderly kissing every inch of my bare skin. He gently kissed my neck, he knows how much I adore that, whilst running his hands through my hair and his fingers down my body.

It felt so right. For the first time in a long time, it felt right. It felt comfortable and not strained. It felt like the first time, filled with lust and excitement, full of passion and a burning desire.

He was there. He was there in body and soul.

And we made love.

He made sweet passionate love to me. He did everything right, like always, and before too long he brought me to the steamy heights of ecstasy.

Afterwards, as we lay holding each other tightly, with legs intertwined, I cried.

I cried like a hungry baby. Tears ran down my cheeks and he gently kissed them away and held me tight. I cried because I never thought he would do that to me again.

In my heart and mind I set my marriage free and never expected in a million years that he would ever make love to me again.

And as I lay there, in a post orgasmic state with a tear streaked face, I drifted off to unconsciousness while he held me tight.

Figment of my imagination

2006-10-31T23:05:00.000+11:00

I have received a few interesting comments in relation to the Mistress and her continuing behaviour and the way in which I have handled various situations.

I have thought long and hard about my blog and have to confess I have seriously considered ceasing blogging altogether. But when I am given something to write about on a continuous basis, why on earth would I stop?

Whilst ever she contacts me or my husband and persists with her behaviour then I will always have something entertaining to write about on my blog.

She has previously told my husband that my blog is 'killing her'. I have two suggestions :

1. Don't read it!

2. Don't give me anything to write about. Don't provide me with any story at all. Don't contact me or my husband. Don't contact any of my blogger buddies, because they WILL send me the details. Just walkaway and leave us alone! Accept his decision and move on.

These are really simple concepts to understand and not at all difficult to grasp.

And I know I have said it before but I will say it again.....I am breaking no laws when it comes to my blog. I have sought independant legal advice in relation to my blog and have been assured I am breaking no laws. There is no party that is involved identified within my blog. Hell, unless you are one of the few I email, then you don't even know where I live!

For all you know the Mistress that I write about could be a figment of my imagination, couldn't she?

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned

2006-10-30T22:38:00.001+11:00

And so less than 48 hours ago the Mistress called my husband AGAIN.

She was highly intoxicated on either her $7 a bottle Queen Adelaide Chardonnay or her premixed bourban she drinks straight from the can.

I have to say it was a very interesting conversation as I was with my husband when she called and he put her on loudspeaker so I could hear everything.

She spoke of the fact that he had no remorse about what he had done to her. I find this very interesting when she herself doesn't seem to hold any remorse for what she has done to me! Oh but she has 'apologised' to my husband's first wife who reads my blog and is now a cyber friend of mine.

and I'm really sorry for my part in the pain caused to "the wife".

Is this an apology? Or am I reading too much into it? I know mistresses don't tend have a conscience, so maybe I am just reading too much into it.

If she had any remorse whatsoever she would not be still contacting him! But when you lack self respect and self worth I guess you have a problem dealing with a man rejecting you.

I hear there is a really good book called "He's just not that into you" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. Perhaps I should send the Mistress a copy of it, as a gift from my husband, to aid her healing. Would that show remorse?

She once again asked "Why?"

Now, once again this raises questions for me. If she broke the affair off, like she adamantly declares on her blog, "Yep! The husband went back to her when I dumped him, 'cos he was a scared wittle boy and didn't want to be awone. There, there diddums. Is wifey drying your tears?",

Or this one

"Mostly, I feel euphoric that the pain and drama of the past 12 months is finished, because I chose to put an end to it."

Or even this one

"I dumped him alright, and he didn't like it one bit. The first time he's ever been dumped on his lying, cheating arse"

then she would not be asking "Why?", would she?

She told him she had changed all her contact details. Personally, I would not have bothered because he was never going to contact her again anyway! What an absolute inconvenience changing all your phone numbers and email addresses. There was no need to flatter herself because he is simply not interested in speaking to her in anyway.

She told him she had to move on. Well honey let's not dawdle. I find it hilariously funny that she emailed me directly three weeks ago and said this :

"I HAVE left your husband's life! My family are suffering BADLY!!! LEAVE US ALONE!!!! WE have moved on. Why won't you?"

I guess it is all about perception as to who has moved on, isn't it?

I tell you what if I knew where she wanted to 'move on' to, I'd even purchase her a one way ticket. I hear Zimbabwe is a great place!

And the final one was "I know some big people in high places that hate you now. Your life is going to change dramatically in the next few weeks."

HHHMMMMM......is that a threat I hear?

Interesting. Very interesting!

I made a mistake!

2006-10-29T19:49:00.000+11:00

It appears I made a mistake!

And as a person with integrity, I would like to make an amendment to one of my previous posts. I'd hate to think that I had a lie on my blog so I am now apologising for misleading my readers.

During my phone call with the mistress she was most upset about me quoting the cost of her airfare and hotel as $500.

She sniped at me “Haven’t you heard of Virgin? It was $99. Virgin! Virgin!”

Well as a matter of fact I have heard of Virgin airlines. In fact I actually booked my husband's flight with Virgin on the trip that she accompanied him on. They often have the most amazing one way prices for $99.

So based on what she told me she paid, I can only assume the mistress walked the 1200km home!

I hope she was wearing comfy shoes!

5 minutes of fun

2006-10-23T09:48:00.001+10:00

5 minutes of fun worth a lifetime of conscience

So who called the affair off?

2006-10-18T23:05:00.001+10:00

One of the things that has continued to play on my mind is who called the affair off. Was it my husband? Or was it the mistress?

Is my husband back because he wants to be? Or is it because she no longer wanted him? Did he decide to take something instead of having nothing? Am I the second best thing?

These questions have been pounding through my head frequently. I have had to sit down and weigh up lots of things. But I have finally been able to settle this within my mind.

The things that helped me do this were:

1. My husband told me he went to her place the night of his birthday to call off the affair. She placed pressure on him in different ways, so he ended up spending the night at her place. She tried to initiate sex, but he states he could not emotionally have intercourse with her.

Now I don't know if this is true or not, but, the following day the mistress has gone on an anonymous blog tirade, leaving nasty comments anonymously all over blog land on my blogger buddies sites. Not only did she leave anonymous comments, she also left them using her username and leaving her personal email address.

Why would you do that if you were not angry and out for revenge? And see the mistress at the same time started blogging intimate details once again about the affair on her blog site so as to draw my blog friends in to view her blog. Great way to make friends in blogland!

2. If the mistress called it off, like she adamantly states, why would she slash her wrists? If one was happy to terminate the relationship then one would not be trying to kill herself or use emotional blackmail for attention.

3. I have the birthday card that she wrote my husband only days before her phone call. He gave it to me to read, because he tells me EVERYTHING these days. Let me tell you the words written within it are not from someone that is about to call off a relationship!

4. If you are happy to walk away from a relationship then you don't go out of your way to cause drama for the other person. You don't go seeking to inflict pain upon these people, afterall you chose to end it for whatever reason, therefore there should be no malice or animosity. You shouldn't be angry because YOU dumped him.

5. If you chose to end the relationship then you would no longer hold any interest in his life. You would not be obsessed with what is going on if you happily walked away. You would hold no interest in reading blogs or leaving comments or even contacting his workmates. You would be cutting all ties if you no longer wanted anything to do with him.

6. You would not ring him again on his mobile to ask "Why?". If you ended the relationship there would be no "Why?" to answer. If the mistress ended the relationship would the "why?" not be asked by my husband?

My powers of deduction indicate to me that my husband did indeed call off the affair. I have to say that many of my questions have been answered by the behaviour and actions of the mistress.

I am certain my husband called off the affair and has returned to me of his own free will. Perhaps I am wrong, but my husband's behaviour tells me everyday that he loves me and WANTS to be here with me.

First joke was on me

2006-10-15T19:22:00.001+10:00

One of the questions I asked the mistress during her phone call was why she continued to hack into my email account. (Yes she has done it again!)

I asked her what she was scared of? She told me she wasn't scared of anything.

I asked her what she was hoping to find. She told me she didn't know what I was talking about.

I asked her why she continued to hack into my account. She told me she wasn't that good that she would be able to hack into anyone's email account.

I asked her who did it for her. She told me she wouldn't tell me because she was protecting someone.

She has made allegations that my husband was the one who originally hacked into my email account. It is rather funny that he was in my company for the entire day when this occured the first time.

She has made suggestions that my husband sent her the photo entitled File:firstjokewasonme.JPG that was in my email account. (keep reading....you will understand more at the end of the post). I also find this very interesting considering my husband does not know the passwords to my accounts!

Now I guess you don't need to be a rocket scientist to work out who did what when you read the following emails. I have placed them in sequence for easy reading.

Once again the only thing that has been edited is the email addresses!

_____________________________________________

From: The Mistress
Sent: Tuesday, 26 September 2006
To: My husband
Subject: RE:

<< File: firstjokewasonme[1].JPG >>

What a spunk!

-----Original Message-----

From: My Husband
Sent: Tuesday, 26 September 2006
To: The Mistress
Subject: RE:

Where on earth did you get that one from ?

_____________________________________________
From: The Mistress
Sent: Tuesday, September 26, 2006
To: My Husband
Subject: RE:

she won't know I've done anything - but at least I now know the bits you leave out

you really are a cunning prick aren't you?

I'll talk to you later and let you know how to view the interesting info that I have.

And she sent them written in hot pink too!

So to answer your question the photo was a photo of my husband and his first wife on their wedding day that the first wife sent to me (Hiya SA!!!).

Based on the information at hand make your own deduction as to who hacked in to my email account!

An enlightening experience

2006-10-13T15:15:00.001+10:00

So a few minutes later she called again. I answered the phone and had the pleasure....umm, no. The honour....umm, no that is not the right word either. The enlightening experience...... yep that will do, of talking to the mistress.

Initially all I could hear was her screaming in the background. I could also hear other people so knew that she had people with her and therefore would receive any medical treatment that was necessary.

She finally came to the phone and I asked her what was going on. She yelled at me. She swore at me. She called me names.

She told me she was having a 'meltdown'. I asked her if she had slashed her wrists. She told me she had cut one but it was not life threatening. I asked her where her children were. She told me they were there witnessing this episode.

At this realisation she then turned around and screamed for "somebody to get these fucking children out of here". She then proceeded to speak to me again.

I was called a "fucking cow", a "fucking lunatic" and a "fucking nutcase" amongst other things that I can't recall. She even addressed me by name, frequently calling me "Jane fucking Smith".

She was extremely irrational on the phone. I was amazed at how well I kept my cool and did not react to her in the way she was trying to get me to. She was trying to make me react by saying so many nasty and spiteful things. So let's address some of these things.

1. She told me she never saw herself as the other woman.

Interesting concept. She obviously sees me as the other woman, hence her behaviour towards me. But then I am criticised for having any feelings of animosity toward her. Go figure!

2. She told me my marriage was over when she met my husband, hence the reason she became involved with him.

In the next breath she went on to tell me my husband and I were trying to conceive another child in January, the month after she became intimately involved with him. I would of thought that if a couple were trying to concieve that this meant they were very much married. Perhaps I am wrong. Maybe you do just have children with someone for the sake of having children.

3. She was pregnant and miscarried in January so the pregnancy test she sent my husband was real.

So at NO stage has she told my husband she was pregnant.

After my husband originally came back to me, she sent the positive pregnancy test with a letter saying she had terminated the pregnancy (Remember she is a master at emotional blackmail). The following week she then told my husband that it was a pregnancy test from her last pregnancy, the child is now 2 years old, and that she was never pregnant.

And now she tells me she miscarried. Weigh up the information at hand and make up your own mind in relation to this 'pregnancy'. That's what I did.

4. She told me that my husband has had 6 affairs in the time that we have been together.

This concerns me. Why on earth, if you had any sort of self worth, would you want to be involved with anyone that admits to having 6 affairs whilst with someone?

Mistress went on to ask me if I wanted to know who they were. Of course, given the opportunity, I asked for the details. Mistress gave me 2 names.

I had to contain my laughter! I actually just about wet myself with her suggestions. She used one situation that my husband told her about and tried to turn it around. She mentioned this persons name and suggested my husband had sex with this woman in a public carpark.

My husband is SSSSOOOOO not into public sex. Trust me, I've tried and I know! Even in the sand dunes on a beach late at night was a problem for him!

And furthermore, I have actually spoken to this particular female on the phone about her proposition to my husband and she openly admitted to me that she tried it and he knocked her back and that she knew that it was never going to happen.

Try again Mistress! You just weren't smart enough with this one!

There were many other things that were 'discussed' during my enlightening experience talking to the Mistress. I think they deserve individual posts so will post more in the next few days.

And so the mistress calls

2006-10-12T02:20:00.001+10:00

It is the night after my husband told me he couldn't live without me.

Picture this......it is 10.15pm and I am sitting in a gorgeous spa bath filled with bubbles with my husband and both of us are holding a glass of Baileys on ice. The bathroom is painted in soft candlelight, the flames flickering off the shiny tiles, and music is playing softly in the background.

My husband's mobile rings. He jumps out of the bath to answer it but misses the call. He places it in easy reach and gets back into the bath with me. The phone rings again.

This time my husband answers it. It is the mistress. She is distressed and states she has slashed her wrists.

I took the phone from my husband and proceeded to speak to the mistress. I asked her why she would not stay away and accept his decision. She was extremely distressed and rather irrational on the phone. I again asked her why she was doing this and would not leave us be.

She responded with something along the lines "Staying away would mean I have to be in my grave. And I am going to do just that. Good Luck."

She then terminated the call.

I love you so much it hurts

2006-10-08T19:04:00.001+10:00

He stayed the night with me. We hugged. He seemed to cling to me like a baby koala clings to its mother. He cried, seemingly endless streams of tears.

There was an eerie feeling between us. I never thought that the marriage would rekindle. I was still of the belief that it was over. And I was OK with this. I had obviously reached the point of acceptance.

However, I needed to be there for him. I needed to console him and wipe away his tears. I needed to hug him and tell him that he would be OK. I guess it was my way of saying "I understand how you are feeling" and also to thank him for the many times he dried my tears and hugged me whilst I was ravaged by the darkness of depression.

So the following morning he called me at work. He was in tears. He was so upset. All he could do was apologise to me. He continued to cry and ask me to give us another chance. I can't remember the exact conversation because I was still in a daze. I was so worried about him.

He sent me a continuos flow of text messages to my phone.

"I love u so much it hurts. Please roll with me"

"I need u! The tears are rolling down my face as I write this. This could be the hardest thing we have ever done. If we pull it off it will be so worth it"

"Please forgive me. Please allow me 2 love u with all of my heart"

"R u with me?"

I could not respond to him in anyway.

So he came straight to my workplace to see me in my lunch break. It was an extremely emotional lunch. He held my hand and he cried. He could not stop crying and apologising to me. He spoke to me with so much pain in his voice. His bottom lip quivered with every word he spoke. He fought back tears.

He acknowledged how much pain he had caused me. He told me that the greatest thing that he had learnt is how much I meant to him and how much he loves me and how special what we had was. He told me that he believed no-one could possibly love him in the way that I loved him and that he could never love somebody as deeply as he loved me. He stated he desperately wanted that back.

He told me that his greatest wish was to start with a clean slate but he knew that this was not possible because of the hurt he had caused. He told me that he would give everything he had to make this marriage work if I would give him another chance. He also told me that he was aware that it would take me years to get over this and I probably would never get over it completely.

He told me he never stopped loving me and that he never wanted the marriage to be over. He realised that the love he had for me was stronger than anything that he had ever experienced in his life, including the love he felt for the mistress.

He also realised that although he believed he was self sufficient, that he was not at all self sufficient. He told me so many things that he had realised about himself that I was shocked.

He acknowledged how self destructive his behaviour throughout his life was, not only to himself but also to those around him. He raised issues that he now knows he must address in order to live a happy and fulfilling life.

He acknowledged that if he never had the mistress around that he would be working on his marriage and giving it his all. He realised that he has never given the marriage a chance since he told me about the affair because he has kept in contact with the mistress.

He told me that he did not want to live without me.

Treading water

2006-10-07T14:08:00.001+10:00

So I found myself treading water. I could not make any decision and neither could my husband. He seemed just as confused as me. Both of us just seemed to exist. Neither of us could commit anything to the other person and I guess both of us believed that the marriage was over.

It truly was a bizarre feeling that surrounded us. There were no tears, just an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I still had many unanswered questions but I accepted that they would never be answered.

I found myself in an extremely difficult position. It was my husband's birthday, a milestone birthday at that. I had to purchase him a gift from the children. I did not want to cross any boundaries and found it extremely difficult to find a personal gift that did not make either of us feel uncomfortable.

I found a couple of gifts from the children, but I also wanted to get him something. I wanted something meaningful, but not too personal. It was tough but I eventually found something.

The toughest part of this whole exercise was finding a card for him. Everything I picked up just did not seem suitable. It was too lovey dovey or expressed nothing at all. Eventually, after checking out approximately 6 different shops and purchasing 5 different cards, I found the perfect card.

The following day we went out for his birthday lunch. He had chosen one of our favourite restaurants. It was a bittersweet lunch for me because we were originally going to hold our wedding reception at this restaurant. But despite the lack of feeling between us, we all had a wonderful time.

The following night was an interesting night. My husband was showing signs of depression. I know all too well what depression is having suffered post natal depression after the birth of our children.

I comforted him and told him that what he was feeling was normal. He was grieving, something that he has never really experienced. I told him that he needed to allow himself the time to grieve and that it would pass in time.

I discussed with him the process of grieving, and reminded him of the stages that he would face. We discussed the time we were grieving for our first conceived child we lost through miscarriage. He remembered the stages I went through and then felt comforted knowing what he was experiencing was real and perfectly normal. I hugged him and wiped away his tears, not expecting anything from him. I was merely comforting my friend.

And that is exactly what it felt like..... comforting a friend in their time of need.

Drowning in the Sea of Confusion

2006-10-05T21:25:00.001+10:00

I promised that I would start to fill the gaps of the last few weeks. So much has happened, but it is all so pivotal to my marriage at the moment.

My husband told me he was still in love with the Mistress. I accepted this and emotionally released myself from my marriage. I conceded defeat and within my heart I set my husband free. As a result of my acceptance I wrote this post.

I cannot begin to describe the feeling of relief that washed over me. I no longer cried although I felt alone and empty. My husband and I shared most of the weekend together and he appeared to be relieved also. He was so different toward me. He was once again loving and caring, which only confused me more.

I did not read anything into it. I did not give myself false hope. I so wanted him to hold me and touch me and tell me how much he loved me, but I accepted that this was not the way he felt.

I realised that I had turned the corner. I was on the path of self healing. I was on the road to recovery. I had set my husband free. I had released him to the wild and at the same time released my heart.

I came home from work late and was greeted at the door by my husband. He bent down and kissed me passionately. He had prepared an absolutely divine meal for us. The table setting was gorgeous, with a beautiful fresh bunch of flowers and candles softly lighting up the room. He had a selection of CD's playing in the background.

It was so romantic. This was the man I fell in love with, but this was also the man I had released from my heart. I was totally confused with what I was confronted with.

We had a wonderful meal and we talked. He was telling me how much he loved me and that he had spoken to his mother. He advised her that he was going to spend the rest of his life with me and that things had to be rectified between her and I.

After dinner, whilst we were still drinking our bottle of champagne he purchased to celebrate, he advised me that he had still been seeing the mistress. He told me that he had to tell me this because if our marriage was going to work then he had to tell me everything. He could have no secrets.

I felt as though I was being pulled out to sea by a current so strong it was impossible to swim against. All of a sudden the current would throw me back the other way and then smash me upon some rocks. I was angry. I was confused. I was hurt. I wrote this post. My husband tried to console me but it didn't work.

I just did not expect any of this. I had walked away from my marriage. I had given up. I had conceded defeat. I couldn't cope with this. I had just felt the greatest sense of relief by walking away, and now all of a sudden I was being strangled by confusing thoughts and unanswered questions.

The next couple of days were a blur. I found myself unable to get out of bed. I cried the entire day apart from yelling at my husband. I guess it all became too much for him because he once again became indifferent toward me. He once again had doubts as to whether or not he wanted the marriage.

Once again I found myself being thrown up against the rocks and left in a sea of confusion.

Please do not wake me

2006-10-03T13:24:00.001+10:00

I am back from spending a wonderful weekend away. The last two weeks have been incredible. So much has happened and yet part of me feels that nothing has changed. I promise that I will fill in the gaps from this period over the next week or so.

But as requested in emails and comments let me tell you about my weekend!

My husband and I went away together. We went to my home town, the town where I grew up. The town we first met and fell in love. The town in which we shared so many happy moments and created wonderful memories.

There were times over the weekend when I experienced bittersweet feelings. It was like I had time warped back to the start of our relationship, and all the hurt and pain seemed to disappear. But then there were times when I realised that we were there trying to reconnect after the most horrendous 18 months.

But I am excited to say that the weekend proved to be a period of rediscovery for both of us. We did so many things together and had an absolutely wonderful time.

We communicated to each other on a level that has not existed for what seems to be an eternity. We learnt new things about each other and also about ourselves as individuals.

We drove past my old house that I lived in when we first met. We drove past the first house we lived in together. We drove past our favourite spots and reminisced about the really good times that we shared.

Without my knowledge my husband had organised for our children to be looked after and he took me out for dinner. We had the most amazing evening. He took me to one of our favourite restaurants on the harbour's foreshore that we often went to whilst living in my home town.

We sat and drank a beautiful bottle of wine whilst watching the gorgeous pink and orange colours of the sunset as the ships entered and left the harbour. The cityscape painted the perfect picture with the gorgeous night lights reflecting off the beautiful blue water of the harbour and beach.

After dinner my husband and I walked hand in hand along the beach. It was a perfect night for walking along the water's edge. The water was beautiful and warm, and the breeze was a perfect temperature, not cold, but crisp and cool whilst blowing against our faces.

We strolled along the breakwall to the lighthouse that was lighting up the night sky. My husband turned to me and held me tight. He looked down at me whilst holding my face in his hands. He had tears in his eyes and he said something along these lines to me :

"I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused. I realise now how much I love you and never wanted the marriage to end. I thought you would never forgive me and what I have done to you."

"Let me be the lighthouse that guides you through these stormy waters, the same way you have guided me the last 4 months. Let me be the light that lights up your heart and your life. Please let us have what we had before."

He then kissed me. He kissed me so passionately, as though it was the first time he had ever kissed me. I felt the flutters in my stomach. It was an amazing feeling. Even now when I think about that kiss, I still feel the flutters.

I am still in a daze after the last 2 weeks. Everything feels so surreal at the moment. I have this underlying fear that I will awake and realise that this was a dream. I keep pinching myself, and asking myself "Is this happening? Is this REALLY happening?"

This dream is providing me with peace, a feeling I have not felt for a long time. I feel comfort. I feel security. I feel loved. I feel wanted.

If I am dreaming please do not wake me.

Taking a break

2006-10-01T10:08:00.001+10:00

Just a quick post to say I am taking a few days off.

I will be back in a couple of days to fill all the gaps of the last few weeks.

Thanks to all my readers who offer me encouragement and support through your comments and personal emails!

Shattered

Definition of my "Denial"

2006-09-30T07:28:00.001+10:00

I am not sure what to make of this comment. I received it in relation to my last post from the anonymous person. However, on further examination, I have discovered that the mistress does appear on my stats. She has been leaving wonderful anonymous comments including this one, on my blog, after I asked how I was in denial.

Sure shattered.

Sorry if you get this same message twice. blogger gobbled the last one.

Denial that your husband is a liar.

Denial of the full extent of your husbands roll in the affair. by channeling most of your anger towards the mistress - this is normal -I did the same thing - its easier to be angry with someone you've never had a relationship with.

Denial that your marriage is over.

How do you know that the husbands of the mistress had affairs? How do you know she did not love your husband? How do you know she has no self worth?

You appear to be denying that the mistress could be a person of any value, because in your eyes you would then be de-valuing yourself.

Posting entries like these shows that it is your own self worth that you are questioning. This is also normal.

Sorry to sound harsh. I know you are feeling pain, and I know what that pain feels like.

All the best.

This aside, I don't believe I am in denial. I know my husband has told me lies because that is the pure basis of an affair.

I have stated in previous posts that I have conceded and that it was too late for my marriage. How can I be seen to be in denial when I have clearly stated these points?

I know my husbands extent in the affair. I also know that the mistress has made it difficult for him to walkaway due to emotionally blackmailing him.

I know my husband has been addicted to the chemicals released throughout the body during the early stages of a relationship, which give similar effects as opiates.

As far as the mistress being any person of value and having self worth.....I am not going to even respond to your questions. The mistress needs to look deep within herself to answer these questions.

Posting entries like these shows that I am deeply hurt and in pain. It does not mean I am questioning my self worth.

However, a person who attacks people under an anonymous profile is obviously too gutless to face the consequences of their actions. And it appears that the nastiness is not just limited to my blog. My blog buddy Solarisgal has suffered the same sort of comments. I think our pal Meg Kelso sums it up so nicely with her comment on Solarisgal's blog! (read below)

"...GET over it, stupid bitch."

Oh my...did someone spill our Cheerios this morning? Or did one of your boyfriends spend a bit too much time with his wife?

I'm sure your life must suck honey, or you wouldn't spend it cyber-stalking Solaris.

I would love to hear a cogent, well thought out reason WHY you would ever come here and leave nasty remarks? What exactly do you hope to accomplish? Don't you have a Rubik's Cube or something to play with? If you don't like the blog, stay away from it.

What a joke. You've just proven to the world that you have nothing better to do with your life than harrass other people who have done absolutely NOTHING to you.

I get the impression that you surround yourself with men who depend on you for a quick, free fuck or suck. If you had any thinking people around you, you wouldn't think that your stupid comments are anything other than proof positive that you are a pathetic, miserable wopig with no life outside of dick play.

I'd feel sorry for you if you weren't such a nasty, syphlitic skank with nothing fun to do in life.

Don't worry honey, one of your men will get another hard on...and then you will be able to accomplish something else.

Ciao,

Meg Kelso

Have a great day ladies!

And wopigs....what are you doing out of bed so early?

So I lied!

2006-09-25T01:03:00.001+10:00

WARNING - I am angry! I am really pissed off.

If you don't want to read an angry post then hit the 'next blog' button now.

If you are judgemental then I suggest you hit the 'next blog' button also.

Don't bother sending me comments that relate to my anger and don't send me comments telling me I need to channel my energy elsewhere. One of the stages of seperation is anger and I am really angry, not just with the mistress but also my husband. Please allow me to go through this stage at my own pace.

Don't send me comments about it takes two to tango. I know it does but she should never have dangled the bait. She should have stayed away and respected my husband's decision to return to his wife.

And yes my husband should have kept his dick in his pants and should not have responded to her desperate calls for attention.

I know I stated that I would never post another thing directly related to the mistress. But you know, I have had such good teachers that I have finally learnt to lie.

I lied! I am sorry, but, I lied!

So she called my husband after she read this post on my blog. She has apparently worked out a way to view my blog without stats showing.

Very clever! Well done! However, I am still amazed that you read my blog! I hope you are finding it entertaining!

She called him in a state of distress. My husband told me she was crying heavily. She told him that there was no place in his life for her because I love my husband so much.

How fucking noble of you! After you have torn my family and my marriage apart you finally realise there is no room for you!

She said that I really meant what I said in my post and that it was extremely obvious that I was not 'grandstanding' with what was written.

NEWSFLASH Mistress.....I don't lie. I DESPISE liars and I CANT lie. Everything I say, whether verbal or written, is the TRUTH.

She gave him advice on how to make his marriage work. In order for the marriage to work he has to be totally and completely honest with me forever.

WOW! Isn't that great coming from a person that has lived a fucking lie for the last however many months?

And like she is really in a position to know how to make a marriage work isn't she? Both of her husbands had affairs whilst married to her. I really think she is an expert in how to fuck up a marriage, not just her own, but others as well!

And so how did the contact and subsequent visits start again?

Poor mistress was upset about my blog and contacted my husband to beg him to get me to stop because it was 'killing her'.

Tough fucking luck is all I can say! I have a LONG way to go when comparing what you did to me on your blog. A LONG WAY! Given that you so desperately seek attention, perhaps you would like some more traffic to your blog? I am sure a link from mine would provide you with great traffic! Would that be enough attention for you? Or would you still desire more?

The fact that she got involved again shows so much about her character. She doesn't love my husband. If she loved him and held any self worth she would have stayed out of his life until he had made his own decisions without influence or temptation.

But she put her own selfish needs ahead of his. She didn't love him. She only wanted him to love and desire her, to fill her own emptiness created because both of her husbands had affairs whilst married to her.

I recently read an article that used the term 'romantic lust'. 'Romantic lust' is wanting someone else to love you no matter what the cost, whether it hurts anyone in the long run or not is irrelevant to you. Basically a person will set out to fill their own needs and desires regardless of consequence to that individual or another individual.

Well Mistress I can assure you, you have hurt me. You have hurt my family. I am majorly pissed off but isn't anger just masked pain?

I am glad that my husband provided you with some form of temporary self worth, however tainted it may have been. And I am glad that you read my blog and realise the pain and heartache that you helped to cause is VERY real.

I am sure I have angered the mistress with this post......no doubt she will pick up the phone and call my husband for support.

Go ahead! I have told him to expect your call!

Throw me a lifeline!

2006-09-23T01:13:00.001+10:00

I have so many unanswered questions. I just start to wade through the last lot of questions and get another lot dumped on top of me. It just starts me on the rollercoaster again.

The thing that angers me most is that I feel as though I am just being left on my own to wade through this mountain of shit. No-one is helping me to try and make sense of anything. I feel like I am drowning in this shit and all the emotions I am experiencing at the moment.

My mind is totally clouded. My head space is so demanding and erratic. I am exhausted both physically and emotionally.

I have questions that I want answers to. There are two people who can answer these questions, but neither of them will provide the answers. Either one could have thrown me a lifeline, but I guess neither of them are remorseful for their actions. Or is it a guilty conscience that creates the inability to take responsibility for their behaviour and perhaps, just perhaps, provide an apology?

My husband - you have asked me to make some critical decisions which will affect me for the rest of my life. Your arrogance is making it quite easy, but somehow you just keep me hanging on by the tiniest of tiny threads.

You need to address things rather quickly or there will be no hope. Please remember that I had conceded defeat. I had walked away from this marriage so there is very little hope now. You tell me you have learnt things from the last 3 months so you had better put them into action quick smart or lose. If it is what you want prove it, because if I am honest with you and myself, I am indifferent about this marriage.

Mistress X - your inability to address the issues and answer my questions leads me to believe that you indeed have not moved forward. I never hated you. I never wished you ill. But I have to say the events of the last few days have pushed me to the point that I have one foot either side of the line.

So I guess no-one is interested in helping me heal so I will go and lick my wounds and start to heal the best way I can. My blog provides a wonderful outlet for me, so I guess the next few posts will be rather enthralling.

If my current state of mind is reflective of my posts I can't say it will be pretty!

Fight for all the wrong reasons

2006-09-22T00:41:00.001+10:00

One of my fave albums at the moment is Nickelback.

Gotta say loving this particular song. Read the lyrics and read between the lines with what I am saying in this post.

It is about a man who is sticking around in a relationship for the wrong reasons, that being SEX. He openly admits why would he leave while a partner continues to give him sex and go down on him.

You want to give it away, then you won't have to look very far to find a willing participant.

Artist: NICKELBACK
Song: FIGHT FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS
Album: ALL THE RIGHT REASONS (2005)

Well I wanted you
I wanted no one else
I thought it through
I got you to myself
You got off
Every time you got on to me
I got caught up
In favorable slavery

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn’t really right
I guess it wasn’t meant to be
It didn’t matter what they said
‘Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons

No, it didn’t matter what I tried
It’s just a little hard to leave
When you’re going down on me
I guess I stuck around
so I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons

Well you know my friends
Well they know your enemies
I’d pretend
Not to hear what they said to me
‘Cause I got off
Every time you got on to me
Was it wrong
To go along with insanity?

Was it wrong? Was it wrong?

I guess it wasn’t really right
I guess it wasn’t meant to be
It didn’t matter what they said
‘Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn’t matter what I tried
It’s just a little hard to leave
When you’re going down on me
I guess I stuck around
so I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons

I guess it wasn’t what I wanted,
It wasn’t really what I thought,
I thought it was the day I got,
I want it all to go away,
I guess it wasn’t what I wanted,
It wasn’t really what I thought,
I thought it was the day I got,
I want it all to go away,
I guess it wasn’t what I wanted,
It wasn’t really what I thought,
I thought it was the day I got,
I want it all to go away,
I guess it wasn’t what I wanted,
It wasn’t really what I thought,
I thought it was the day I got,
I want it all to go away

I guess it wasn’t really right
I guess it wasn’t meant to be
It didn’t matter what they said
‘Cause we were good in bed
I guess I stuck around so I could watch us fight
for all the wrong reasons
No, it didn’t matter what I tried
It’s just a little hard to leave
When you’re going down on me
I guess I stuck around
so I could watch us fight for all the wrong reasons

and so the affair continues

2006-09-20T21:09:00.001+10:00

I conceded defeat. I walked away from my marriage. I stopped fighting and saw you in a new light, a light that reflected my love but at the same time conceded defeat.

Why now, after you tell me that you have again been in contact with her and fucked her do I feel so wrecked?

I should have expected this. After all, you told me 5 days ago you were still in love with her. I have been continually asking you if you were still seeing her. And you continued to lie. Even when I asked you for 250% honesty, you looked me in the eye and lied.

I laid in bed most of today and cried. I sobbed and I yelled at you. In fact I screamed at you. I got myself so worked up that I was physically sick. But I guess I am used to that as it has been such a frequent occurance of late due to the stress.

I am still trying to make sense of the last 5 days. Do you think I can? Not on your life. I am so confused and fucking hurt that I can't even think straight.

I can't even look at you. You make me sick.

My tears of sorrow - to my husband

2006-09-18T16:09:00.001+10:00

Some people will read this and wonder why I am apologising to you but my darling husband I am so sorry. You were the person who chose to step outside the boundaries of your marriage and have an affair but I am so sorry for so many things.

I have cried tears of sorrow all week. I have reflected on my behaviour during the last 3 months and I am ashamed of myself. I hate to sound cliched, but just like you, I wish I could turn back time.

I don't wish that I could turn back time so you did not have the affair. I can accept this now and in a strange way I am grateful that your affair has made me realise so many things about myself and given me the opportunity to address my issues and become a better person.

I wish I could turn back the last 3 months. I have been so caught up in my own despair that I have failed to realise that you have been in pain also. You have been suffering, and yet I just selfishly expected you to meet my own needs.

I now understand that what I expected from you was completely unrealistic. You were involved with someone else and I expected you to come back into my life declaring your undying love for me. If you felt love for me you would not have stepped outside the boundaries of your marriage. My expectations of you were so unrealistic and therefore never achievable.

I accept that my behaviour has contributed to you feeling completely unloved and being the person that you are, needing to find your worth elsewhere. I know my behaviour was a reaction to your behaviour, but I have also worked out that I should have handled things so differently.

I smothered you. I backed you into a corner and gave you no room to move. The only direction you could go was to turn and run from me and for that I will never forgive myself.

I cannot believe how I have treated you. In my desperation I have only succeeded in hurting you. Part of me wanted to hurt you in the same way that I have been hurt. I wanted to see you in pain. I wanted to see you in tears. I wanted to see you beg to come back into my life.

I understand that I have hurt you immensely and for this I will be eternally sorry.

I understand that I have been extremely selfish and for this I will probably never forgive myself.

I understand that it may be too late for us, and if this is the case I will be eternally grateful for the many years and many good times that we had together.

Please understand that I want you to be happy and if this means your life does not include me then I will be heartbroken but I will understand.

But above all I just want you to understand that I love you with all of my heart and I always will.

Signs of Desperation

2006-09-13T22:42:00.001+10:00

*Getting involved with a married man

*Personally purchasing an interstate plane ticket (approx $500) and paying for a hotel room to spend less than 24 hours with your lover

*Sending a positive pregnancy test that was from your two year old child's pregnancy

*Performing a 'Google' search to find out the ISP provider of the wife's workplace to enable you to know when she was at work

*Performing a 'Google' search to find the mother-in-law's email address

*Emailing the mother-in-law

*Hacking in to the wife's email and blog account

*Using a web router to disguise your IP address

*Deliberately turning up at a local tourist attraction cause you know your lover is going to be there with his children whilst his wife sleeps after finishing nightshift

and the final one which is a crack up.........

*Sleeping with an empty aftershave box cause it reminds you of your EX lover

(I purchased this for my husband for Christmas.....God I have GREAT taste!)

just let me go

2006-09-12T04:34:00.001+10:00

I just don't know how to do this. I don't want to do this on my own. I don't know how to be single again. I never wanted to be single.

I don't understand why you are doing this to me. If you didn't want the marriage you should not have come back. Why did you come back?

I need to move on. I need to let go.

Is this how the mistress felt? I am so desperate for something from you. I find myself sitting at the computer whilst at work refreshing my inbox, silently awaiting your email that never comes, the email that declares your love for me. Or the text message you send to my phone telling me how much you missed me.

I sit now in front of my computer at home. It is nearly 5am and I still don't sleep. I cannot stop the flow of tears. I am heartbroken. I never wanted to be on my own. I just don't want to even contemplate life on my own. I don't know how to do it. I don't want to do this with anyone else. I still don't.

You should have walked away. You should never have returned.

You should now just let me go.

Drowning in My Sorrow

2006-09-12T03:48:00.001+10:00

I am drowning.

Drowning in my sorrow

for what used to be.

You and me,

A love so strong,

Unfailing,

Unfaltering.

"I believe you have made John complete"

2006-09-11T17:12:00.001+10:00

I was cleaning out my bedside drawer and found a birthday card that you sent me for my birthday. You always go to so much trouble with birthday cards because you make your own.

I read this card and reread this card and just cannot come to grips with the change in your attitude toward me.

Dear Jane,

Wishing you all the best for your birthday. You are very special to us you know Jane. Have said it before and now saying it again - so glad that you and our darling John are together. I believe you have made John complete.

Thinking of you on your birthday and always dear Jane our much loved daughter-in-law.

I read the card and instantly felt pain. I cannot understand why you chose to do what you did. Regardless of your feelings towards me, why as a mother would you support and encourage your child to participate in an extramarital affair, knowing he had a wife and children?

Why would you choose to respond to the mistress's email and enter into an email relationship with the mistress? What on earth would make you want to respond to her? What were you hoping to achieve? What would you say in those emails? Did you say the same things to her, that she was the best thing that had ever happened to your son? How can you morally do what you did and sleep at night?

I remember the conversations that we have held after I caught your son participating in internet pornography activities on numerous occasions. You begged me to stay with him, telling me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him. You told me how desperately he loved me. You told me how much he needed me. You acknowledged how settled he was in his life and that you had never seen that before in him. Do you remember these conversations?

Do you believe it is acceptable to encourage my husband to keep secrets from me, particularly when his marriage is in the state that it is? Do you think it is appropriate that you send text messages to his mobile saying "Text me yes if it is OK to call you"?

Why do you not call the home number? Are you fearful to call in case I answer? Does this mean you are too gutless to face me? Why? Why are you fearful to address me? Is this a sign of your guilty conscience?

There is no wonder your son believes it is OK to walk away from issues because this is exactly what you are doing. You have taught him that it is acceptable to tell lies and have secrets, and that it is perfectly normal behaviour to walk away from the issues in your life. You are showing him that it is OK to show no remorse for your actions and that it is acceptable not to take responsibility for your decisions. You have taught him you don't have to say sorry for the hurt that you have caused.

Have you stopped to think about the pain and hurt you have caused me? Do you acknowledge what you did was WRONG? Do you have any regret? Do you not realise you had an obligation, not only to me but also to your grandchildren? Did you stop to think about anyone else in this picture whilst you emailed and supported the mistress?

You are just like your son, or should I say he is just like you because you are obviously the person that has taught him his values. I know you will never apologise to me. I know you will never feel remorse. I know you are not capable of taking responsibility for your actions. I know you will never see what you did was wrong.

You believe that the sun shines out of your son's backside. You have also fallen victim to his lies and manipulative behaviour, afterall you told me that you did not believe anything that came out of my mouth because it differed to the version your prized son told you.

You will always believe what your son tells you. You will always believe that nobody is good enough for him. Reality check for you....I am wife #3. Do you still hold the same theory that he just chooses the wrong women? Or are you perhaps starting to see the situation for what it is?

You are highly critical of your son's ex wife because she makes no effort to ensure you have contact with your grand child. If you treated her the same way that you have treated me then I understand why she would want to protect her child from you and your values.

I want my children to grow up with family values that are totally different to yours.

I want my children to grow up with morals that allow them to know right from wrong.

I want my children to know that being secretive and manipulative is not acceptable.

I want my children to have the ability to face the issues that arise int heir lives.

I want my children to accept responsibility for their actions and decisions.

I want my children to know that telling lies is WRONG!

And most importantly I want my children to know that family comes first, no matter what.

I know what I will tell my children when they are old enough to understand that their grandmother didn't give a damn about them and openly assisted in tearing their family apart.

Fading like a flower

2006-09-08T02:47:00.003+10:00

He reminded me today of an appointment he had set up a few weeks ago for tomorrow.

He has set up an appointment with a marriage counsellor. I am in two frames of mind as to whether or not to go. I don't know what is going to be achieved, if anything.

In the meantime, today I heard a song that I haven't heard in such a long time and it seemed so relevant.

"Fading Like A Flower (Every Time You Leave)"
performed by Roxette

In a time where the sun descends alone
I ran a long long way from home
To find a heart that's made of stone

I will try, I just need a little time
To get your face right out of my mind
To see the world through different eyes

Every time I see you oh I try to hide away
But when we meet it seems I can't let go
Every time you leave the room I feel I'm fading like a flower

Tell me why
When I scream there's no reply
When I reach out there's nothing to find
When I sleep I break down and cry
Cry, yeah

Every time I see you oh I try to hide away
But when we meet it seems I can't let go
Every time you leave the room I feel I'm fading like a flower

Fading like a rose
Fading like a rose
Beaten by the storm
Talking to myself
Getting washed by the rain
It's such a cold cold town
Oh, it's a such cold town

Every time I see you oh I try to hide away
But when we meet it seems I can't let go
Every time you leave the room I feel I'm fading like a flower

Do you remember the scene from "Beauty and the Beast" where the Beast has lost all hope and the last remaining petal of the rose is just about to fall? In order for the Beast to be saved, all he needed was for one person to tell him they loved him before the petal fell.

That is exactly how I feel at the moment.

My whole relationship summed up

2006-09-08T01:01:00.001+10:00

He called again today to enquire as to how I was doing. He wanted to come over and assist me with the housework, because that was what I was doing. I declined his offer.

He was adamant that he wanted to come over, so I agreed to him coming over as there were a number of things I needed to discuss with him.

Overnight I had worked out the split of the finances and had to run through them with him. I had it all clearly written out, the liabilities etc etc. He really has no idea of any of the financial stuff as it has always been my job to sort out.

Anyway, I had it clearly set out as to what I was entitled to as far as Child Support payments and what his share of the liabilities would be. I advised him of the fortnightly total and he was quite happy with this and considered it to be a fair arrangement.

I then suggested that I would transfer the payment to my account each fortnight and that if he wanted I could make his credit card payments for him whilst logged on to his account. Again, he was more than happy with this.

Discussion over....finances arranged. Done and dusted. Simple really!

He then looked at me and surprised me by saying "You're serious aren't you?"

I raised the paper and replied, "It's all there, written in blue ink on white paper for you to see."

He looked at me with despair in his eyes and responded. "I never thought it would come to this."

In that sentence my husband summed up my whole entire relationship. He never thought it would come to this because he always took me for granted. He always thought that I would take him back. Never before have I sat down and split the finances.

The last two years he has developed the attitude of "Leave her be. She is just in a bad mood. She'll be fine tomorrow", which has been one of the main issues in our marriage. His failure to address issues have resulted in this marriage dissolving.

I think he finally realised that I am not getting over this one. His marriage was summed up by a $ value. I bet that was an awesome feeling.

Desperate times and desperate measures

2006-09-07T02:14:00.002+10:00

He called me and wanted to come over to my house. I stated that I did not believe there was any point.

So I gave him an ultimatum. He could come over as long as he had something significant to offer me in terms of commitment to this marriage.

He turned up with a beautiful bunch of flowers. He got down on his knees in front of me and said he was sorry and that he was going to try harder.

I stared down at him stunned. With no expression I simply asked "Is that all that you have?", to which he replied "Yeah" (I can't remember the exact words but they were nothing significant).

He failed. It was the last resort for me and he failed. My heart is finally standing alongside my head.

Let me share something with you that he wrote to me a number of years ago. I have a book that I have kept all the love notes and cards and things that he has ever written me. This particular one is a letter that he wrote to me after I 'busted' him in relation to another of his indiscretions, internet pornography. I had threatened to leave on numerous occasions if he continued this behaviour, this is obviously one of those times.

28/02/01

To my darling Jane,

I'm sorry. I know that you're sick of hearing sorry. But I am. I'm so sorry. I can't believe how much damage and pain that I've caused.

I feel numb. I'm a little calmer than I was earlier on in the afternoon. It's a bit like the calm that descends upon a terminal cancer patient when he begins to come to terms with the fact that he's dying. Please don't let me die my darling. Please save me. I know that I've done you wrong time and time again, but I've always loved you....and I always will love you. I'm not about to move on to the 'next one'. You're it. I don't want to do this with anyone else. I want to be with you forever. Please let the dream continue.

Darling, I'm begging you. I would give up everything that I have to be with you. I would give away all of my possessions, I would take any test, put up with any form of punishment. I will willingly throw the rest of my life down the drain if it would help me win you back. I'm going to be knocking on your door everyday for years before I give up. These are desperate times and desperate measures are needed. I don't want to lose you Jane. I need you so much. I want to make you happy for the rest of my life. Please let me do it."

This indiscretion was so insignificant when compared to my husband's affair. Why can he not acknowledge the pain that he has caused me by stepping outside the boundaries of his marriage? Why can he not give me any heart felt apology? Why can he not give me any heart felt declaration of his love for me?

Where is this man now? This is the man that I fell in love with. This is the man that I married. This is the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

The man that now stands before me has allowed his ego and professional profile to kill the man that I married. If I can't have the man that I fell in love with then I don't want the empty man that stands in front of me.

A simple "I'm sorry and I am going to try harder" is nowhere near enough.

Needless to say tonight I am Totally Shattered.

My way or the highway!

2006-09-06T11:46:00.001+10:00

Everytime I read this article by Dr Joshua Coleman, I find myself in tears, just like right now. It is so bleedingly obvious what needs to happen in order for my marriage to survive, but for some reason you just don't get it and refuse to commit yourself.

This is tearing me apart and I have given up on our marriage. I am tired of fighting for this with little or no result. I am just waiting for my heart to catch up to my head and everyday that passes with nothing from you brings them closer together. It is only a matter of time and I believe this is going to happen sooner rather than later.

I honestly thought that this marriage could be saved and you led me to believe that you wanted to save it as well. But two weeks of commitment from you does not alleviate the pain of an entire world that you brought crashing down because of your choice to step beyond the boundaries of your marriage and commitment to me.

"Affairs have the power to break up a marriage, or forever burden it with suspicion and fear"

I have never been so bloody suspicious in my entire life. I feel you still hide things from me. It would not surprise me if you were still in contact with the Mistress. If you are, you will slip up one day. And with my heightened senses at the moment I will be straight onto it. And should this be the case, I promise you will pay dearly.

Can "a couple ever recover from an affair. My answer is, "yes, if you're willing to do the work to put the marriage back on track....However, to be successful, both people almost always have to be willing to do the hard work to strengthen their relationship."

I cannot do this on my own and I will not do it on my own. I will not accept you just expecting me to deal with this on my own. I am not prepared to accept second best anymore. In a nutshell, it is 'my way or the highway'. Your behaviour and lack of commitment is proving to me that you would rather drive the highway than take the long and winding path.

The highway is a fast and furious journey with nothing but slabs of concrete and overpasses. At the end of your journey all you have is an empty tank of fuel and a lot of miles on your speedo.

The long and winding path is a longer and more tiresome journey that will leave you feeling breathless at some of the views and experiences that the crisp breeze blowing directly onto your face provide. You will forever have memories of your journey, the wonderful sights and sounds you experience along the way, a lifetime of moments to reflect upon whilst you sip a glass of good wine with your loved one who experienced the ride with you.

"The first behaviour that's required is a commitment on the part of the person who had the affair to attempt to heal the pain that it caused. The hurt partner almost always feels devastating emotions of shame, humiliation, and rage. These reactions can produce huge feelings of guilt on thepart of the person who had the affair, and many, unfortunately respond to thise feelings by shutting down, withdrawing, or simply hoping that their spouse will hurry up and move on. This never works."

Guess what? I am not just 'getting over' this and infact your continued rejection and denial is pushing me further away. You may wake up one day and realise what you are doing, but by then I will be travelling the long and winding path of recovery on my own.

"It's very important that you show a willingness to look inside yourself and see what made you vulnerable to an affair.... If you are willing to take a good, hard look at yourself, you may be able to use the affair as a starting point for change to occur."

If I were you I would also be terrified to face the demons that control you. You have become an unemotional piece of flesh that is so full of himself that you believe you are too good to delve within.

Ask yourself some serious questions.....how many women do you think would put up with your behaviour? What makes you think that you can treat women the way you do? What marriage am I? And did you not do the same thing in your previous marriages? Do you not see a pattern here? Isn't it time you addressed this behaviour? You can't blame me for your previous indiscretions. And your famous cop out "you just pick the wrong women" no longer works either.

"Many couples end in divorce as a result of an affair."

Three out of three.....100% success rate. WOW! You should be so bloody proud of this track record. Isn't it obvious where the problem lies? Or are you just too conceited to admit it?

You have the opportunity to change the stats, but it is only you that can make the necessary changes to avoid divorce number three.

My heart is nearly at the same place as my head so you are fast running out of time. To be honest I am not even sure I want this anymore. I am starting to believe you are not worthy of me.

And unless you look within yourself you will never have a meaningful relationship that travels the long and winding road, driving off into the sunset.

It is time to look in the mirror and realise you are nothing and will soon have nothing unless you address your demons.

Dear Shattered - a comment from Emily

2006-09-05T20:05:00.001+10:00

Dear Shattered

I have been reading you for a while, but haven't commented.

I just wanted to send you this: an extract from a newsletter by Dr Joshua Coleman, a marriage therapist. It makes for a ridiculously long "comment", but it might be helpful. It indicates that some hard work is required on the part of the person who had the affair, and that otherwise, reconciliation can't work.

August 25,
Vol. I, Issue 2

Feature Article: “Do Affairs Spell the End of a Marriage?”

Affairs have the power to break up a marriage, or forever burden it with suspicion and fear. They also have the potential to harm the children who are exposed to them, or who learn about them later in life. One of the most common questions that I get asked in my radio and newspaper interviews is whether a couple can ever recover from an affair. My answer is, “yes, if you’re willing to do the work to put the marriage back on track.” I have worked with an increasing number of couples who were able to use the pain of an affair as a rallying point for their marriages. However, to be successful, both people almost always have to be willing to do the hard work to strengthen their relationship.

What’s required?

The first behaviour that’s required is a commitment on the part of the person who had the affair to attempt to heal the pain that it caused. The hurt partner almost always feels devastating emotions of shame, humiliation, and rage. These reactions can produce huge feelings of guilt on the part of the person who had the affair, and many, unfortunately respond to those feelings by shutting down, withdrawing, or simply hoping that their spouse will hurry up and move on. This never works. If the marriage has any chance of healing, the person who has the affair has to lovingly and patiently assume that it is going to take time for trust to build again and hang in there.

Secondly, it’s very important that you show a willingness to look inside yourself and see what made you vulnerable to an affair, if you’re the one who had an affair. While there are many reasons, some common ones are a need for attention or flattery, a desire to feel independent, or an attempt to repair some feeling of inadequacy that the marriage evoked or reinforced. Sometimes people who have a hard time communicating their feelings are more likely to cheat because they can’t ask for what they want or need, can’t assert themselves, or allow feelings of resentment to grow and fester. If you are willing to take a good, hard look at yourself, you may be able to use the affair as a starting point for change to occur.

What if my partner had the affair?

While it may seem that the hurt partner wouldn’t or shouldn’t have to do any work, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes people seek affairs out of desperation or because they feel backed into a corner such as when a woman seeks a relationship with a man outside of the marriage because she’s married to a man who refuses to be affectionate or loving. In this scenario, you would have to examine what caused your wife to be interested in another man. Similarly a wife who refuses to be sexual with her husband for months, or even years would have to acknowledge how that may have contributed to her husband’s being flattered by another woman’s attention. Again, this isn’t to say that the hurt partner causes their spouse to have an affair. Rather, that both people may have to take some responsibility for how it came to pass.

Gender differences?

While men may seek affairs for emotional reasons, it’s not uncommon for a man to seek an affair, even when he’s happily married, or happy with his marital sex life. Affairs in the U.S. used to be more common among men, however, current studies show young married women are now having affairs more than their spouses. Obviously, any generalization about gender has plenty of exceptions, but, women more commonly have affairs because they are unhappy with the quality of their marriages, than because they’re seeking excitement or adventure. Because of this, many researchers consider women’s affairs to be a graver statement about the health of a marriage.

Many couples divorce as a result of an affair. While this may be inevitable for some, many of these marriages could have been saved with proper guidance. If an affair is affecting your marriage, make sure that you get help.

© 2006 Dr. Joshua Coleman

Psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman is author of the critically acclaimed book, “The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony,” and, “The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework,” Jan. 2005. Both are published by St. Martin’s Press

Dr. Coleman also offers free teleclasses, free articles, workshops, and other resources to help individuals, couples, and families.
Learn more now at www.drjoshuacoleman.com

Never ending line of credit

2006-09-04T02:05:00.001+10:00

You seem to think that I have a never ending line of credit to give to you.

You seem to think that you are entitled to a regular withdrawal from my account.

You seem to think that you do not have to repay the debt that you have already accrued.

You seem to think that there will be no interest applied to the debt.

In your own words you have the biggest debt in this marriage. But you seem to think that you do not have to contribute in anyway.

When there is no love......you cannot give love.

When there is no respect......you cannot give respect.

When there is no trust......you cannot give trust.

I cannot give what I do not have. Perhaps if you want something it is about time you started to make regular repayments, topping up my account, making it possible for withdrawals.

The line of credit always has a value attached and I believe you have reached yours.

and the fat lady sings!

2006-08-31T22:46:00.001+10:00

I wasn't going to post about this, but I felt an obligation to all of my dedicated blog readers. You share my pain and my tears and offer emails and comments of support and encouragement, so I feel you deserve to share my laughter with me also.

Mistress is a blogger, but I can't tell you her blog name because it would be immoral of me to kiss and tell. The mistress regularly logs into my blog using an IP router so it 'disguises' her IP address. The dead giveaway that this is indeed her is that who else would be worried about disguising their address? This week she has been in Spain and Iran the very next day. Anyway, I don't care if she reads my blog, I am flattered that she is so infatuated with me!

I have a friend, a WORK colleague in fact, that created the user ID 'nautilus' so she could post on my blog. She had a template set up but had not posted anything on her blog. Anyway, this person I work with SWEARS alot, in fact she has SWORN everyday that she has worked at my place of employment, probably around the 15 year mark.

We were at work and my friend decided to log into her blog account, only to find that her password had been changed. Well blow me down! That is what happened when Mistress X hacked into my blog account, the passwords were somehow reset!

So being an EXPERT in the investigation field, my friend has made a few enquiries and has discovered that she has placed a comment on Mistress X's blogsite using her ID of 'nautilus'. Funnily enough, my colleague did not even KNOW Mistress X was a blogger! Circumstantial it may be, but in a CIVIL court you only need to 'tip the scales of probability', not 'prove beyond reasonable doubt' like in a criminal court of law.

My friend clicked on the 'nautilus' profile and indeed it took her to her blog title and chosen template set up. So we sat there and chuckled and chuckled. The Mistress was that desperate for comments on her blog that she had to hack into someone else's account, one of MY followers, to receive any comments on her post! So she not only wants to steal my husband, but she wants to steal my blog friends!

Anyway, now we get to the REALLY funny part of this story! My husband's first wife reads my blog. She has been the most amazing support to me (hello there SA!), and we email daily. I have never met her but we have the BEST friendship via email. It is a bit wierd really but I am so glad I 'met' her. First wife does not have a blog of her own, but comments frequently on my blog under her chosen user ID.

Now Mistress X 'knows' the first wife as both of them have had a few good sparring sessions in blog land. Mistress X knows first wife is a Metallica fan. Surprise! Surprise! The profile of 'nautilus' has now been changed and currently points to a Metallica page!

I somehow think Mistress X has barked up the wrong tree and assumed a classic case of mistaken identity! Perhaps one should never read anything into a persons comment or judge a book by its cover!

Is it 'Murphy's law' or the 'Luck of the Irish' that led to this discovery? I feel that this may just be the tip of the iceberg but this little black duck has let it slide like water off a duck's back.

And so the fat lady is now singing, or is that having the last laugh! HEE! HAW! HEE! HAW! But I gotta say the fat lady's favourite song is "These boots are made for walking".

I just can't seem to get the lyrics outta my head...."These boots are made for walking, And that's just what they'll do, And one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you....."

Come on guys, everyone knows this song. Turn up your speakers and sing along with me....... HEE! HAW! HEE! HAW!

You keep saying you've got something for me.
something you call love, but confess.
You've been messin' where you shouldn't have been a messin'
and now someone else is gettin' all your best.

These boots are made for walking,
and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You keep lying, when you oughta be truthin'
and you keep losin' when you oughta not bet.
You keep samin' when you oughta be changin'.
Now what's right is right, but you ain't been right yet.

These boots are made for walking,
and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

You keep playin' where you shouldn't be playin
and you keep thinkin' that you´ll never get burnt.
Ha!
I just found me a brand new box of matches yeah
and what he know you ain't HAD time to learn.

These boots are made for walking,
and that's just what they'll do
one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you.

Are you ready boots? Start walkin'!

HEE! HAW! HEE! HAW! HEE! HAW! HEE! HAW!

That'll do Donkey! That'll do!

Walking in the Mistress's shoes

2006-08-30T00:09:00.001+10:00

ad iDISCLAIMER - The questions raised in this post are RHETORICAL. They do not require answers.

I feel cheated. It was rightfully mine and my husband gave it to you and for your own reasons you willingly accepted it. And yet I am the one being judged and told that I have no right to be angry.

Bullshit! I have every right to feel anger and no one is going to tell me otherwise. Up until this point I have only felt pity for you, but I guess I have turned the corner.

You stole from me. You took what was rightfully mine and then had the audacity to believe YOU were done wrong. How dare you treat me like the enemy! I did not break your heart. I did not lie to you. I did not steal him away from you. He was mine long before you entered the picture.

My husband should have been giving me the things he gave to you, but you stroked his ego more than me. I suppose that you were both suffering from low self esteem at the same time and found a 'fix' for your problems within one another. It was so much easier to smother the issues with lust than to address them and acknowledge your faults.

How dare you judge me! Don't sit there and try to attribute the blame on me for the 'lead up' to the affair. You haven't lived this life and you cannot make an informed decision based on the lies that he has told you.

Why was I behaving like I was? Do you know? I was desperate to feel important to my husband and desperate to feel loved, the exact same feelings you were experiencing. Instead of giving those things to me, he gave them to you. Yes my behaviour contributed to the affair. I admit my faults. But are you prepared to admit your faults and your contribution to this affair?

You should have walked away......regardless! You knew he was married and had children. Yes it takes two to tango....but it only takes one to say NO. This whole thing would not have happened had you done the moral thing and turned your back.

You asked me if I knew what your reasons were for loving my husband. I can make an educated guess. You were still suffering from the fact that both of your husbands had affairs on you. You suffered this excruciating pain, not once, but twice. You wanted pay back. You wanted to do the same. You wanted to understand the meaning of an affair.

Why did you inflict this pain upon me? To heal yourself and all the unanswered questions that remain within your soul? I wouldn't wish this pain upon my worst enemy, let alone an innocent person whose only crime was to fall in love with a man and commit her life to him.

Did you honestly think that by inflicting this pain and suffering upon another person it would help you deal with your demons and heal you? Does it make you feel better now? Because if it has made you feel better within yourself then I am glad I could be of assistance to you.

If it makes you feel better, after walking in your shoes, I now understand why you would take it. Afterall, having both of your husbands do the same to you, you must feel incredibly unworthy and unloved. Any man that showed you attention and made you feel loved and important you would hang onto regardless of consequence.

You asked me to take a walk in your shoes and unfortunately due to your choices I am now doing that. The only difference is that I will never look at filling the void and emptiness this affair has created by following in your footsteps.

Mistress sends a bill for 'services rendered'

2006-08-27T00:30:00.001+10:00

The day my husband told me of his affair I called the mistress. My husband gave me her number but she refuses to believe this. She really did not want to speak to me so she called me a lunatic and hung up on me.

Later that night, when she knew my husband was out at a weekly engagement, she rang my home number. I was blown away, but I guess now she wanted to speak to me because it was on her terms. She called to tell me that my husband had called her and ended their relationship. The conversation went something like this :

Mistress X : "Is that Jane"

Jane : "Yeah it tis"

Mistress X : "It's Mistress X"

Jane : "How the hell did you get this number?"

Mistress X : "Oh don't worry I am not going to stalk you. I just called to tell you that John has ended our relationship."

Well 'not going to stalk you' took on a whole new meaning! I'd hate to see what she would do if she was going to stalk me based on her 'not going to stalk you' behaviour and actions!

Jane : "Yes I already know."

Mistress X : "Well you should know because you're his wife. I just called to say that I am out of your life and to wish you well. Look after him because I love him."

and then Mistress X abruptly hung up on Jane.

Well knock me down with a feather! She has finally worked out that he is married to me! I am so happy that she loves my husband and I so wanted to hear this from her!

Jane wanted to speak to Mistress X so called her back. And funnily enough Mistress X did not answer. Of course she was never going to answer because she was too gutless and it was no longer on her terms.

Jane called again.....still no answer so Jane left a message saying that she wanted to talk to her and that it wasn't about revenge and just asked her to call.

Mistress X sent a text message to Jane's mobile phone that said :

"There is no point in us talking. Consider me out of your life and look after him he deserves it. dont call me again and don't ever threaten me again"

Jane replied via text message :

"All I wanted to say was I appreciate the way you have stated you will leave us alone. We have both treated each other very poorly. I do love him and know that there is a huge amount of hurt on both sides. I know it is a long road ahead but I also know based on what we had we can make it work. He has been very honest to me about your affair but there is a hell of a lot he would not have told you about us. Please dont judge me on what you know as it is nowhere near enough of the picture. Ur affair will only bring John and I closer together so for that I thank u. And for the record I have never threatened you"

Now, my friends have asked me how I could be so nice. I did not hate Mistress X, and in fact still don't. I honestly meant what I said in my message...that I appreciated the way she said she was out of our lives and was going to leave us alone. I guess believing her was a big mistake, afterall she was so used to living a life of lies. What was one more?

But I have to say the response I got back floored me and probably tells alot about her character.
Mistress X responded :

"so glad I could be of assistance. I will send my bill for services rendered. the call is taped you threatened me. our family here suffers now leave us b"

What exactly is she saying here? With a statement such as "I will send my bill for services rendered" one can only deduce one thing from that. I only hope she has a permit and pays tax on her earnings.

Jane responded : "U R a real charmer"

Mistress X responded : "why thank you john always thought so"

Jane responded : "And who won?"

Mistress X responded : "you did jane and I honestly wish you well. i dont hate you. in fact i feel pity for you. all the best. are we done?"

I am so relieved that she doesn't hate me. I could not sleep at night knowing that she hated me. Of course she has reason to hate me doesn't she? I screwed her husband. Oh, no, hang on, it was the other way around! She screwed MY husband!

Perhaps I should send HER the account for my husband's medical tests to clear him from sexually transmitted infections!

A simpleton could see

2006-08-24T16:39:00.001+10:00

It has been 3 months since you told me of your affair. The emotion is still raw and penetrates deeply. It cuts to the very soul of me daily, destroying every ounce of worth that I had in my body. Like a cancer it has slowly consumed me, spreading to every cell within my being.

I find myself in a very interesting position now. I am torn in three. My head is in one place, my heart is in another and my body is also on a journey faraway.

My heart aches for what we used to have. My heart tells me that what we had was so special that it simply is not possible to lose it in the blink of an eye. My heart longs for the love that was so evident when we married. My heart yearns for the togetherness and closeness of 'us'.

My head is telling me that once a cheater always a cheater. My head is telling me the relationship was all lies. My head is telling me that you don't love me. My head is telling me I deserve better. My head is telling me I can't fix this on my own. My head is telling me if I meant anything to you, you would be addressing the issues. My head is telling me that this will never be repaired because you aren't prepared to put the hard yards in. My head is telling me that I should walkaway.

My body is telling me that it is exhausted, sick of the arguments, sick of feeling so worthless and let down, sick of crying, sick of living a lie, sick of dishonesty, sick of the lack of commitment, sick of struggling through the hectic schedule of daily life.

I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. I have come to realise that there is too much hurt to fix without a solid contribution from you. You and I will never be on the same page.

I am devastated. I am lonely. I am fearful. I am empty.

But I am not stupid and I can see that this will never work. I guess I have reached the first stage of my separation and that is realisation, isn't it?

'Stupid' by Sarah McLaughlin

Night lift up the shades
Let in the brilliant light of morning
But steady me now
For I am weak
And starving for mercy
Sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unraveling where we went wrong
It's all I can do to hang on,
to keep me from falling into old familiar shoes

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

Love has made me a fool
Set me on fire and watched as I floundered
Unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for your answer
But you come around in your time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
that dries up as soon as you're gone
you leave me here burning in this desert without you

How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see

Everything changes everything falls apart
I can't stand to feel myself losing control
But deep in my senses I know

Now all I have to do is wait for my heart to reach the same place my head is and I will be on the road to recovery.

Maybe I am just kidding myself

2006-08-23T21:20:00.001+10:00

Is this really worth the pain? I just don't know anymore. Why on earth did we both choose the hardest path? It would have been so easy to walk away from this marriage and all the pain that we are suffering now. Is it really worth it?

Tonight I am questioning whether or not this is all too hard. I am crying as I write this and cannot begin to tell you the emotions I am currently feeling.

I feel very vulnerable. I feel worthless. I feel totally unloved. I feel empty. I feel as though I am floating out of my body and that I will wake tomorrow to discover this was all a terrible dream.

It feels surreal. This isn't happening to me and my marriage. My husband and I love each other too much for this to happen to us. It must be a dream. He would never go out and have an affair. It has to be a dream.

My marriage has been torn apart and I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to make it easier. I don't know how to alleviate the pain. I try to focus on what we had before we both dropped the balls but I just don't seem to be able to toss those balls high enough anymore.

I want you to give me answers. I want you to acknowledge how your behaviour has contributed to this hell that I am putting myself through. I want to hear you tell me that it is worth it. I want you to make me feel important and loved again.

I don't think you are capable of giving me the answers I need. I don't think you are man enough to admit your faults. I don't think you want to address the demons that control your life.

You are a coward! You took the easy way out and you openly admit that to me. And you tell me "She is you". You could not bear to be away from me, so you found a replacement, a cheap and nasty imitation, only to discover that she could not fill my shoes.

Well maybe I need to take the easy way out for my self esteem. Maybe I need to move on to find someone that will love me like the man I married, the way I deserve to be loved.

Maybe I want to see you walk the journey of life in shoes that never quite fit and see the pain the blisters cause.

Maybe I want to cause you pain like the pain you have selfishly inflicted upon me and our children.

Maybe I want to sit back in years and laugh when you do the same thing to her.

Maybe I just want to sit back and laugh when you have nothing but your own company.

Maybe I am just kidding myself.

Sometimes I do not understand myself

2006-08-22T16:19:00.001+10:00

Sometimes I do not understand myself. But you know what? I am not even going to try and work me out when it comes to this particular post.

My husband has been having an affair. He ended the relationship with his mistress after he realised that he still wanted the marriage. The mistress has not been able to handle this and has subsequently gone out of her way to drive a wedge between me and my husband.

For some reason she was out to 'get' me. I don't mean that in a physical way but her acts included SMS messages to my mobile, comments on my blog site, phone calls to my home residence at all hours of night and day and getting her 'friends' to send anonymous emails to me in relation to contact between my husband and her and many more acts of a harassing nature.

Her behaviour got me to the point that the police became involved and legal matters commenced. At this point she must have gotten scared as she set out to try and remove all the evidence I had against her, including hacking into my blog and email account and deleting all the comments and emails that were sent to me.

Well bugger me if I was not one step further ahead and had already sent these items to my lawyer! After she believed all evidence was destroyed I received papers from her lawyer in regard to my blog being harassing and intimidating and demanding I cease blogging immediately.

Well, hello? I did not ask her to read it! And further more you can't defame an unidentified person now, can you? The argument put forward was that the author of the blog was known. Well honey, if you want to send your friends to my blog then of course they're going to know who the author is after you told them! And then of course they are going to read the truth about the whole affair and realise it differs dramatically from what you have told them! But, again, not my problem if you choose to tell them about my blog.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, when she discovered the evidence still existed she has consented to the offer that was put forward to her. There was a condition on that consentual agreement and that was that I did not pursue my legal costs.

As my lawyer told me I had enough evidence to get a magistrate to grant me an order and then apply for ALL my legal costs to be paid by her. My lawyer was more than happy to run with it and told me I would be granted my application based on the evidence.

But you know what? I could not do it. And the reasons I could not do it was because I know she struggles financially and I did not want her children to miss out because she was stuck with paying thousands of dollars worth of legal costs due to her unlawful and irrational behaviour.

Why should those innocent children suffer at the hands of their mother and miss out because her behaviour was unlawful and unacceptable? I know how hard it is to be a single parent, both mentally and financially, and I just did not want those kids to suffer, so I agreed to the conditon.

I now realise that, unlike the mistress, I actually have a conscience. I only wish she had some form of conscience and thought about my kids when she decided to get involved with my husband.

Shattered Vows - You may kiss the bride

2006-08-21T21:48:00.001+10:00

Celebrant to John
"Now John do you take Jane to be your lawful wedded wife?"

John - "I do"

Celebrant to Jane
"And do you Jane take John to be your lawful wedded husband?"

Jane - "I do"

John to Jane
"I promise that I will always love you and always treasure our friendship. I will cherish our marriage in good times and in hard times. I call on everyone here to witness that I dedicate myself to you Jane, and to our marriage. I want to share with you a relationship of love and tenderness and laughter. We stand together through our past, our present and our future, sharing our love throughout our lives."

Jane to John
"I promise that I will always love you and always treasure our friendship. I will cherish our marriage in good times and in hard times. I call on everyone here to witness that I dedicate myself to you Jane, and to our marriage. I want to share with you a relationship of love and tenderness and laughter. We stand together through our past, our present and our future, sharing our love throughout our lives."

READING - "When Evening Falls"

"When evening falls I'll look to you and there you'll be.
And I'll take your hand and you'll take mine,
And we'll turn together and we'll look to the road we've travelled
to reach this far.....the hour of happiness.
It stretches far behind us,
but our future lies ahead.....
A long and winding road
where everything means discovery.
All the hopes, new laughter, shared tears,
The adventure has just begun."

RING VOWS - exchange of rings

With this ring, I wed you.
Take it and wear it,
As a token of my love,
And as a symbol of all that we share.

Celebrant to Bride and Groom

Inasmuch as you John and you Jane have here, in the presence of us all, freely agreed to marry the other, and have made between you a declaration of marriage, I now, as the celebrant by whom your marriage has been solemnised, and on behalf of all these people gathered here today, pronounce you husband and wife.

And so John and Jane become one.

I feel like my whole relationship was and is a lie. Not only has my husband lied to me, but he lied to every guest that was invited to share the joy of our marriage. I feel like I have been cheated. It is hard to come to terms with the fact that these vows meant so much to my husband on our wedding day but actually meant so little.

I removed my wedding ring some months ago. It still sits on my husband's bedside table. That ring meant so much to me and I treasured it, as my husband did his. He still wears his ring and NEVER took it off, still doesn't.

It breaks my heart to see the symbol of my husbands love just sitting there but I cannot bring myself to put it on as it no longer holds any meaning to me.

I can honestly say I will NEVER place that ring back on my finger.

Shattered Vows - John's vows to Jane

2006-08-19T22:41:00.001+10:00

John's personally written marriage vows to Jane

When I met you, I had no idea
How much my life was about to be changed
But then, how could I have known?
A love like ours happens once in a lifetime.

You were a miracle to me,
The one who has everything I had ever dreamed of,
The one I thought existed only in my imagination.

And when you came into my life,
I realised that what I had always thought was happiness could not
compare to the joy loving you brought me.

You are a part of everything I think, do and feel,
And with you by my side,
I believe that anything is possible.

Thank you for the miracle of you.
You are, and always will be,
the love of my life.

Shattered Vows - Jane's vows to John

2006-08-19T21:49:00.001+10:00

Jane's personally written marriage vows to John

One of the greatest gifts of our realtionship
Is the comfort of knowing I can always be myself with you,
And you will accept me for being just that.

With you I never have to laugh when I feel like crying,
Or be quiet when I need to talk,
Or stay calm when I feel like getting upset.
You know when I want to be serious,
You know when I need to be playful.
When I am with you I am free to express my true mood.
You know when I need your help or advice,
And when I just need to know that you care.

Your support adds so much to my life.
You share my joy as if it were your own.
You feel my pain and you cry with me.
Thank you for understanding me,
Accepting me, and loving me as I am.

Your accepting nature has helped me to treat others and myself, more gently.
You concentrate on my good points while overlooking my flaws,
And you can always find something in me to praise.
You are so thoughtful.
You give me much more than is expected
ANd you expect much less than you deserve.

My life is enriched in so many ways by your presence,
for in you I have found the friend I've always wanted
and the love I'll always need.

I will praise you when you win,
and share your pain if you lose.
Always, I will accept you for who you are
and not for how much or how little you achieve.
I will strive to bring out the best in you
while forgiving your faults.
I won't expect perfection in either of us.

In the tomorrows we share,
I hope that I can be sensitive to your needs,
understanding of your concerns,
patient with your mistakes,
and comforting of your pain...
that I can give as much of myself as you need...
and all the love that you deserve.

Shattered Vows

2006-08-19T18:56:00.001+10:00

My wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. I didn't experience any nerves at all because it felt so right. We were not worried about formalities at the reception or the style of shoes our chosen bridal party wore, because these things were not what our marriage was about. Neither of us were worried about the superficial things in relation to our wedding but our wedding was perfect.

We were married in the most amazing country setting, set beneath a huge tree looking out over a gorgeous valley and river in the company of our closest family and friends. Our wedding photos were taken on a country property overlooking distant mountains at sunset.

And as we lay in bed the following morning in our Presidential Suite at the local 5 star hotel where we held our reception and reflected over the previous day neither of us would have changed anything.

As I went through another box of papers in an effort to declutter my life, I came across the copy of my marriage ceremony written by me and my husband. I experienced mixed emotions as I read it. But here it is....

THE MARRIAGE OF JOHN AND JANE - March 30th

Celebrant - We are here today to celebrate and participate in the marriage of Jane and John who have asked us to join them on this special occasion. My name is Peter Smith, I am a civil celebrant, and I am here today to share with you the ceremony that John and Jane have composed for their marriage.

READING - "The Miracle of Love"

Love doesn't mean that you will never feel pain or live a life free from care. It doesn't mean that you will never be hurt or that your life will be perfect, with every moment consumed by happiness.

Love does mean that you will always have a companion, someone to help you through the difficult times and rejoice with you in your times of celebration. Love does mean that each argument is followed by a time of forgiveness, and each time of sorrow is far outweighed by all the tender moments spent in each other's arms.

Love is the miracle that can take two lives and mould them into one, take two souls and bind them for life, take two hearts and fill them with enough passion and tenderness to last a lifetime.

Love is a blessing that will lead you down life's most beautiful path.

To Jane and John
Jane and John before celebrating your marriage I am to say to you in the presence of your family and friends that I am duly authorised by law to solemnise marriages according to law. Moreover before you are joined in marriage in my presence and in the presence of these witnesses, I am to remind you of the solemn and binding nature of the relationship into which you are about to enter.

Marriage according to law is the union of a man and a woman to the exclusion of others, voluntarily entered into for life.

To Family and Friends
This day marks the formal acknowledgment between two people who love each other. In these times, it is not always seen as a necessary step, but for Jane and John it has become so.

They want you to understand that they are willing to share their lives to the fullest as long as they live. We are here to acknowledge their shared hopes for the future, based on trust, friendship, mutual respect and making a home together.

For John and Jane, this ceremony is a public affirmation of their love; a chance to say proudly yet simply that they love and respect each other, and intend spending the rest of their lives together; and to include us in that affirmation.

They have shared the pleasures of parenthood, they have a home full of love and peace, a home with books and music, a home with lively discussion, frequent and valued visits from friends and family members. They have provided their children with security, dignity and love, and the opportunities to make the most of their lives.

They have learned the meaning of deep friendship, and have discovered that their love is in fact the ultimate expression of their friendship. It is this friendship that serves as the cornerstone of their relationship and as the reason for their decision to marry.

READING - Friendship by Judy Bielicki

"It is often said that it is love that makes the world go round.

However, without doubt, it is friendship which keeps our spinning existence on an even keel. True friendship provides so many of the essentials for a happy life - it is the strong foundation on which to build an enduring relationship, it is the mortar which bonds us together in harmony, and it is the calm, warm protection we sometimes need when the world outside seems cold and chaotic. True friendship holds a mirror to our foibles and failings, without destroying our sense of worthiness.

True friendship nutures our hopes, supports us in our disappointments, and encourages us to grow to our best potential."

Jane and John come together as friends. Today, they pledge to each other not only their love, but also the strength, warmth and most importantly, the fun of true friendship.

Next chapter -the handwritten vows of Jane and John

The meaning of "I love you"

2006-08-18T23:39:00.001+10:00

What exactly does "I love you" mean?

To me those words mean commitment, sacrifice, loyalty, honesty. They mean forsaking all others, devotion and that warm fuzzy feeling that you get when you look at the person you claim to love.

"I love you" means working through problems and communicating your thoughts and feelings. "I love you" means striving to reach your full potential as a couple, developing an understanding of each others needs and trying to fulfill those needs.

It means being truthful and honest to each other. It means wanting to spending the rest of your life with this person and grow old together.

Right now my dearest husband I am not feeling loved at all. Why is that?

Because YOU chose to break your commitment, YOU chose to be dishonest, YOU chose to lie, YOU chose to have sex with someone else, YOU chose to turn your back on communication within your marriage and YOU chose to turn your back on the problems instead of dealing with them.

Now my dear husband YOU have a choice. YOU either wish to address these issues or I will turn my back, because the words "I love you" no longer hold meaning to me.

Words are cheap and actions speak louder than words!

Not ready to make nice

2006-08-18T21:20:00.001+10:00

Dixie Chicks - "Not Ready To Make Nice"
From the CD "Taking The Long Way"

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

I'm through, with doubt,
There's nothing left for me to figure out,
I've paid a price, and i'll keep paying

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I know you said
Why can't you just get over it,
It turned my whole world around
and i kind of like it

I made by bed, and I sleep like a baby,
With no regrets and I don't mind saying,
It's a sad sad story
That a mother will teach her daughter
that she ought to hate a perfect stranger.
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they'd write me a letter
Saying that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

I'm not ready to make nice,
I'm not ready to back down,
I'm still mad as hell
And I don't have time
To go round and round and round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell
Can't bring myself to do what it is
You think I should

Forgive, sounds good.
Forget, I'm not sure I could.
They say time heals everything,
But I'm still waiting

Do you believe in Angels?

2006-08-16T21:26:00.001+10:00

I have an absolutely gorgeous friend that has the biggest heart. She is just beautiful. She is the sort of person that has such faith in people that she does not see bad in anyone. It saddens me that people take advantage of her beautiful spirit and her generous nature.

We don't see each other often but just seem to know when the other person needs to be contacted. Right now is one of those times. I needed her. I needed to hear her comforting voice of reason. I needed her shoulder to cry on and her strength to lift my spirit.

I was with my husband and we were out and about late one afternoon over the weekend. We were in a light industrial area that is really only a weekday area but we were there. I had not eaten lunch and was feeling slightly hungry so my husband saw a petrol station and turned around to get me something to eat. And low and behold, guess who was at that service station?

My gorgeous friend was refueling her car at this very same petrol station.

We just stood in the driveway of that petrol station and hugged. She knew something was wrong and I was hesitant to tell her about my husband's affair. I don't want this to consume my life. I did not want to tell my gorgeous friend. But unfortunately this decision was taken out of my hands.

My husband was with me and he turned around and told my friend of his affair. I was stunned. Here was my husband standing in front of me acknowledging how he failed me as a husband. I was in such a state of shock that I cannot recall the words that my husband used, which is so unlike me. Ask my husband and he will tell you I have a memory like an elephant when it comes to remembering details.

But what even surprised me more was my friend's reaction. She then proceeded to tell me that her husband had an affair before they were married and she found out about it after they were married. She went on to tell me that this will bring us closer together and that her marriage is stronger than it ever was before. She told me that there was a deeper understanding of each persons needs in their relationship now and they had a greater depth of communication.

She did not only paint a rosy picture of the 'happily ever after'. She told me how she struggled with her emotions, and her inability to trust. She told me how it took years to overcome but how it has made her a better person. She also advised my husband of what he has to do to repair the damage that he has caused.

I really needed to hear these things. I really needed to have my feelings acknowledged and know that I am normal. I really needed to hear my husband acknowledge how he has let me down.

But I really needed to hear my husband say "I know it will take years but I will be there for as long as it takes. I just want my girl back."

My husband and I got in our car and watched my friend drive away. And it was only then that my husband realised that my dearest friend's number plate on her car was "ANGELS".

A little acknowledgement would make a difference

2006-08-13T23:53:00.001+10:00

I am really struggling at the moment. I have sat at this bloody computer for nearly an hour and written nothing! And now the tears have started to fall.

My mind is racing like you could never imagine. So many thoughts. So many unanswered questions. So many doubts.

One of the main issues I am having trouble coping with is the picture that my husband has painted of me. Why did he feel the need to bag the shit out of me?

Here I am giving my husband another chance after he had an affair. Here I am suffering everyday. I am exhausted emotionally. I hate the person that I have become, the product of the seed he chose to sow. He is reaping the harvest now. And what a crop! He should be extremely proud of his harvest.

My mother-in-law gave me a mouthful one night, telling me she did not believe anything I said because it was all in my head and that I was an irrational woman. This happened before I knew about the affair. But you know what? SHE knew about the affair at that stage, well before me, after my husband had confided in her.

Now as a mother I cannot justify her behaviour in supporting her son's affair. And when I found out she knew about it when she gave me a verbal bashing I was so irate! How dare an amoral woman criticise me the way she did when she was justifying and supporting her son's infidelity! But I guess that was all in my head, wasn't it.

And to top it off, my mother-in-law was having contact via email with the mistress. But that is another post in itself.

The mistress has called me a lunatic. She has portrayed me to be a crazed psychopath and accused me of being into "character assassination". She has stated I am "too self absorbed in my life of anger and pain" along with being "angry and irrational".

I have been portrayed as an angry and irrational lunatic and yet here I am suffering everyday. Ultimately it does not matter what people think of me. Exactly what has been said about me I guess I will never find out. But this is taking its toll. Why am I the one that has been judged and criticised? Why am I being blamed for my husband's infidelity?

The part that hurts the most is that these people have criticised me based on what my husband has told them. That hurts.....really hurts. It actually tears me apart. Because if I am such a horrid creature why has he chosen to stay here? I have told him numerous times to leave if he wants to be with the mistress. And yet he chooses to stay.

I vowed I would never fight for a man and I have not done that. He is here because he chooses to be here, not because he is subjected to any pressure or ultimatums to stay. I will never fight for a man because in my opinion he then stays for the wrong reasons. I enjoy my own company and I am happy to be single. My husband knows this and he knows that I will NEVER fight for him. If he chooses to go then I will never beg him to return.

I am just torn apart knowing that he painted this picture of me. I am trying to deal with this but at the end of the day I am the one that is struggling to cope. I know I will never receive an apology from my mother-in-law or the mistress. And I don't believe I will get an adequate apology from my husband either.

Some form of acknowledgement from someone of the pain and heartache that I experience everyday would make a difference to me. But instead I am the one that is criticised and judged and yet I am the one that chose to remain faithful.

It hardly seems fair and makes me ask the question if it is all worth it.

Have I chosen the wrong path?

2006-08-13T22:36:00.001+10:00

I have accepted how my behaviour has played a part in my husband having an affair. I am happy to admit I am not perfect. However, I am not prepared to accept the blame for his choice to step outside the boundaries of his marriage.

I struggle everyday thanks to my husband's affair. I call him on his mobile and if he doesn't answer I am overwhelmed with emotion. Is he with her? Where is he? Why does he not answer his phone?

Everyday I find myself asking the question why I chose to travel the hard path. It would have been so easy to have seperated and been on my own. I enjoy my own company. I quite like weekends at home doing things I want to do. Every second weekend without children would have been welcomed. Imagine the things I could have done in my own company!

But instead I chose this path, a path that is so incredibly difficult. I am emotionally drained. I am exhausted. I feel so overwhelmed by the raw emotion that is constantly consuming me.

Unanswered questions haunt me everyday. Doubt is my best friend at the moment. Trust went down the drain the night he told me of his affair.

On the flip side

2006-08-11T20:05:00.001+10:00

Before my husband told me about his affair I came across a fabulous book. Entitled "Love and Respect" and written by Dr Emerson Eggerichs, this book changed my life.

It is a book that is written about the behaviours of men and women within a relationship and how we look at things differently. The basic principle is as follows:

Without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love

A wife has one driving need to feel loved. When that need is met, she is happy. A husband has one driving need – to feel respected. When that need is met, he is happy. When either of these needs isn’t met, things get crazy.

When the wife feels even more unloved, she reacts even more. Or, when the husband feels even more disrespected, he reacts even more. This ignites a greater reaction in each party and things get crazy and the pattern of behaviour continues.

Love and Respect reveals why spouses react negatively to each other, and how they can deal with such conflict quickly and easily. There is actually a website that has some great info. Learn about this book and the basic principles by clicking here.

I think this book made it easier for me to see how my behaviour has affected my marriage and contributed to my husband feeling unloved and eventually having an affair. However, it does not mean I accept responsibility for my husband stepping outside the boundaries of his marriage.

This realisation does not make it any easier for me, but at least I can honestly say I understand why my husband felt the way he did.

On the flip side.....my husband has also read the book and has also learnt alot about how his behaviour has contributed to my behaviour. We plan to read the book together so as to gain an even more thorough understanding about each other and our individual needs.

In one way I am actually grateful that he had the affair because it broke the crazy cycle. It made both of us realise the depth of our love for each other and how badly we have treated each other over the past 18 months. It also made us realise that what we had was VERY special and not something that you come across on a regular basis. It is worth saving and working on together. We were very much in love and shared some wonderful times together.

I just wish the emotional side of an affair wasn't so damn painful.

The Fairytale of a Mistress - Part 2

2006-08-06T16:30:00.001+10:00

So you won the man! What is it exactly that you have won? In your eyes you have won the ultimate prize, but it was there for the taking, wasn't it? Have you won your 'happily ever after'?

He says he made a mistake cheating on his wife, but he simply couldn't resist your charms. But you covered all bases and made it too difficult for him to escape the enmeshed web you have woven. He is yours!

But there is a little niggling doubt at the back of your mind. What if he does the same thing to me? You know he can commit....but you also know he can cheat. You tell yourself that would never happen because he loves you too much and he told you that you are the one that he has waited for. And you are already carrying his child, another part of the intricate web of entrapment you have woven to ensure he couldn't escape. He only did it to her because she was horrible and not as beautiful as you. However, you have noticed the way he talks about his new co worker.

He is constantly telling you about how intelligent and funny she is, and how bubbly her personality is, how infectious her laughter is within the office and how often she works out at the gym. He even tells you about her new hairstyle when she gets her hair done and how fabulous she looks, suggesting you go and see her hairdresser. But somehow he never seems to even notice when you get your hair done. She must be a real stunner, hey, and here you are feeling fat and ugly because you are carrying his unborn child, the child conceived out of the most amazing love.

But you trust him because he could never desire another woman like he does you. He has proven that to you because he left his wife and children for you. You are just being paranoid, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

He has taken on some extra work to bring in more money to buy all the things needed for your baby. You miss him alot because he always seems to be at work these days. He no longer talks to you like he used to when he gets home from work because he is simply too exhausted. You are feeling rejected and alone but you understand because he just wants everything to be perfect for the arrival of your baby.

And this continues after the baby has arrived because you are finding it really hard financially because of all that Child Support you pay to her, the evil selfish Ex wife, for those stinking little brats that your Prince Charming has every second weekend. They take him away from you, he is more focussed and committed to them than he is to you and the baby that you created together. You just want him to spend time with you and your child, but he just wants to spend every second of everyday he has with his other kids because he desperately misses being with them everyday.

The feelings of rejection and abandonement silently eat away at you. Like ivy slowly growing over a tree that once stood so tall and beautiful, it continues to grow until you are now starving for the oxygen that keeps you alive. You lash out at him and seemingly fight each and everyday over the most trivial things. That bloody ex wife! She is the reason for this, isn't she? She has really messed him up. It's all her fault!

And as you go through the motions of your mundane life, cleaning out the pockets of his jeans and jacket, to put yet ANOTHER load of washing on, you find a ticket stub for the movies, or a receipt for a dinner for two, or just something that makes you realise your are no Princess Charming and he is certainly no Prince Charming.

The Ex wife tried to tell you but she was just horrible wasn't she?

The Fairytale of a Mistress - Part 1

2006-08-03T21:58:00.001+10:00

He is very married and you know it. He is the "forbidden fruit", the unattainable. He is handsome, he is your knight in shining armour that has come to rescue you from your troubled and empty life.

He is a handsome Prince Charming, living 'happily ever after' with a woman who is not you. You are jealous and challenged at the same time. You want to become part of that fairytale. You want to live your life as Princess Charming, so you write yourself into the script. You turn on your charm and it doesn't take long for Prince Charming to notice you.

You realise that he wants you to come into his life and add some excitement to his charmed but mundane existance. He wants to feel the exhilaration and excitement of it all, because to him, you are also the forbidden fruit. You are the unattainable, and he wants that like any man wants what he is not supposed to have.

To give you the cruel pleasure and comfort that you crave you embark on a furiously passionate affair with another woman's Prince Charming.

You don't even stop to think about his wife. Why would you? Your ultimate objective was to take the goodies and leave Princess Charming with nothing. How stupid can she be, because you are both pulling something over her, aren't you? Who cares what she thinks anyway. If her husband didn't want to cheat he wouldn't have, would he?

So that means he is yours......fair and square. It doesn't make an ounce of difference that she did not know that she was in a contest for her own husband's affections, does it?

And the kids...well they are hers, not his in your eyes. He didn't want to have children anyway, but you know he ADORES his children. But that's OK, because you are a mum and you will take care of them, probably better than that angry and bitter woman that looks after them now. They deserve better too, don't they? And of course you can offer them so much after you've torn their family apart. You can heal the wounds that you have selfishly inflicted upon them.

You are his true love, and you know that because he tells you that all the time. He is madly and desperately in love with you. He can't wait to spend the rest of his life with you. So one day he finally leaves his wife and children to live 'happily ever after' with you.

Mission accomplished! You have got what you set out to get. You've got her man and you should be so proud of yourself! You've got the man that vowed his life to someone else...what an achievement! Not only have you got her man, but you've got those innocent kids father, finally a father for your own kids. Aren't you the greatest? Simply the best!

He is the man of your dreams, and with him you are going to live your dreams. It must be true love! Afterall, he broke another woman's heart, destroyed his family and his marriage just to be with YOU. You are so wonderful that he had to dump her for you. But she was horrible in so many ways because he told you so, didn't he? And you have no reason to doubt him because he is so desperately in love with you.

You have finally met your Prince Charming and the fact that he was married when you met him means that he can commit to you. You two were meant for each other so you will commit your life to each other and have children of your own. And you will live the fairytale.....you will 'live happily ever after'.

Or will you?

The tiny window of hope - slams shut!

2006-08-03T01:43:00.001+10:00

My husband is an extremely loving man. He has struggled over the last few weeks knowing that he has caused pain for not only me, but also his mistress. He would do just about anything to alleviate the pain that he has caused. Every single day he regrets his involvement with his mistress and constantly apologises for not trying to address the issues in our marriage.

The mistress has continued to email, call and text message my husband, the last messages being received last week. She has been calculated with her constant and manipulative contact, doing things to ensure a response from my husband. She has sent him items in the post, including a positive pregnancy test accompanied by a letter stating she terminated the pregnancy (after my husband contacted her she admitted that the test was one she had saved from her youngest child's pregnancy). But her objective was met as my husband initiated contact with her.

She even went to the trouble of deleting his entire blog which he did not have copies of the pieces he had written. But then magically some of his blog reappeared on a slightly different blogsite address. The new blog used all the correct profile and copies of some of his older written works.

She would text message him and state that she was going to place more personal details on her blog, knowing full well that he would contact her. She would email him at work with messages designed to get a response like this .

She even had her so called 'friends' hijack her computer and send me through highly edited copies of the emails between herself and my husband, giving me evidence of the continued contact between them. And yep, you guessed it...my husband called her to tell her he thought she had stepped right over the line by doing this. And of course she pleaded her innocence! But again she had success...he initiated the contact.

My husband, being so loving and bloody naive believed that he could respond without consequence, hoping to eliminate some of the pain that he so willingly accepts he caused.

As you can imagine, this has caused great drama between my husband and I. As I constantly stated to him, while ever he responded to her manipulative ways she would never just dissolve into nothingness. She would always see that there was hope for her.

When I got home from work yesterday he was so excited and could not wait to share with me the blog site that he found. Here is an excerpt. The words speak for themselves.

He called me up!!!! I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw his number in my call records and my heart just skipped a beat!! Of course if I had seen it while it was ringing then I would have jumped on the phone and taken the call. Not desperate am i?!! I took the cowards way out and I smsed him asking “wat?”

I got a reply message saying “Nothing just wanted to check how you are doing?” Now what is that supposed to mean?? Is he worried about me? Does he miss me? Is he plain bored? Why is it that people say it’s difficult to understand women?!! Men aren’t simple themselves you know. I wish I could know what it was that he was thinking of when he made that call.

You know what I am getting hyper for no reason at all. Right now what really makes me boil is ….. I was getting used to desperation and darkness and out of the blue he comes and opens a tiny window of hope for me. However realistically or cynically (perhaps) I know that nothing is going to come out of this. My heart refuses to believe in it!!! Its as if….maybe he does love me….maybe he regrets…maybe….. How pathetic I am and what a desperate creature I have become? I have proof…..i have seen pictures of him and his fiancé together, happy as a lark. He must have been bored and thought why not give a call?

Worst part I responded to his sms, with the truth, absolutely no concept of self respect or self esteem came into my mind as I typed in that sms. It said “ Contemplating suicide seriously, always in tears, not able to live without you, can you do something about this”

The only difference between the two situations is that it is the mistress in my marriage that is continuing to keep the communication going.

It appears that my husband finally gets it! And it was only last night when he looked deeply within my eyes, gently cupping my face between his beautiful soft hands and said to me "This is exactly what you have been saying all along, isn't it?" that I knew his relationship with her was finally over.

I silently turn the page....

2006-08-01T14:34:00.001+10:00

I was sorting through some things today in my effort to declutter my life. I came across a photo of you, my beautiful boy, with the gift I sent you for our first anniversary together, not our wedding anniversary, but the anniversary of our first date.

I amazed myself at my imagination with my gift to you. Do you remember what it was? Yeah, I guess that was really a silly question, wasn't it? How could you ever forget a bright yellow 12 foot inflatable gorilla, that came with an inbuilt generator and fan to keep it inflated, holding a hand painted sign that said

"To my Darlink
I am still APE for you
Happy Anniversary"

And I as I sat there in my bedroom going through this box of seemingly endless trash, my memory started to turn the pages of the book of our love story.

On the second page there was an image of a young couple spoon feeding each other some deliciously sweet and smooth icecream. Do you remember this night when we laid on the floor at my house, listening to CD's and sharing a bottle of good wine and gourmet icecream? Things got really hot between us, I mean REALLY hot. Your desire was extremely evident but you got up and left because you wanted the first time that you made love to me to be really special. Well, I can honestly say that you left me feeling a myriad of emotions that night. I don't know if it was my deserted desire speaking or it was that you respected me so much that had the greatest impact.

I smile to myself and silently turn the page.

I see you in your kitchen at your house on the very first night that you cooked dinner for me. You went out and purchased some special glass bowls (we still have these bowls in the kitchen cupboard) and made me prawn cocktails as an entree. You assumed that I would be spending the night at your house and also purchased a brand new bath towel just for me to use at your house.

I remember having my shower the following morning and trying to dry myself. How difficult that simple task was because you had not washed the towel before use! I vividly remember standing naked in your bathroom waiting for the water to drip from my body. And how we both laughed about this after I explained the need to wash new towels to you!

I laugh to myself and silently turn the page.

I see beautiful romantic candlelit dinners and the way that you would sing and dance to me whilst we were grocery shopping and cluck like a chook to the deli assistants.

I remember our first ever argument where you simply looked at me and said "My darling I am not going to argue with you like this" and then simply hugged me.

I smirk and silently turn the page.

I see a stadium of 30,000 people all looking at you on the big screen at the pulic event that you were hosting. And I turn to look at you adoringly on the big screen as I subconsciously hear you mention my name, to hear you say you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and you asked me to become your wife.

My heart melts and I silently turn the page.

I see our beautiful wedding with us both passionately saying our vows that we wrote to each other, capturing the depth of our love for each other. I see the mountain views as the sun sets behind them and the photographer captures our first moments as husband and wife.

I see us lazily sitting on the jetty of our island that we rented for our honeymoon, shelling prawns and drinking champagne, whilst watching the dolphins swim past.

I dreamily but silently turn the page.

I see the surprise picnic you took me on for my birthday one night where you packed the most divine picnic hamper and we sat and again shelled king prawns and drank Moet on the shore of the lake whilst we watched the sunset. You gave me the most precious gift, a beautiful diamond pendant so you 'could always be close to my heart'.

With a broken heart I silently turn the page.

I remember the recent comment made to me from one of my closest friends, one of my bridesmaid's in fact, who showed one of her friends our wedding photos. Her friend commented on how much in love we were and that it was so obvious because we were looking lovingly into each others eyes in every photo. We always received comments like these from strangers who didn't know us but were simply blown away by how obviously in love we were.

As I turn the pages of this book I cannot help but notice the pages are well worn and dog earred. The spine of the book is cracked and the pages are beginning to fall out. The cover is torn to the point it is almost unidentifiable and the images and text have faded to almost unreadable.

And as I sit there holding the book within my hands pondering our life together, a page silently drops to the floor.

Where has this couple gone? What happened to the love between them that was so evident to everyone that came in contact with them? There is no doubt that there is love from both parties, and a lot of love. But why is it that the pages are falling from this book?

Is this book in such poor condition because it hasn't been treated with loving care?Can this book be saved? Is there room for another chapter, a chapter with the famous last words "And they lived happily ever after..." ? What is it that we need to do to write the next chapter?

Perhaps all we need to do is read the book together and change the way it is handled. With the love that we both have for books, and our passion for writing perhaps it is time we treated our marriage with the same respect as the many books we have in our home. Surely with all of the digital enhancing software available these days this book can be saved.

I've been having an affair!

2006-07-30T21:03:00.001+10:00

I have come to the conclusion that shopping is like having an affair! And I have been having one hell of a hot and steamy affair the last few weeks.

I have had an absolute blast the last few weeks. I have been shopping and shopping and shopping. I have made purchase after purchase after purchase and damn it felt good!

I have purchased a gorgeous new solid wood bedroom suite and a stunning linen set that cost nearly as much as the bed did! I love my bed! And everytime I walk into my bedroom I am overwhelmed with how gorgeous it looks. I am now just waiting for the rest of the bedroom suite to arrive which includes bedside tables, a tall boy and sock drawer. I can't wait!

I have revamped my entire lounge and dining room. I have painted and changed the entire theme to African/Tribal theme. I have purchased the most amazing home decorator pieces and my house looks fantastic. My house is now very reflective of my personality and I just love it! I have also made a set of 9 mosaic wall tiles that I have hung in the entrance hallway of my house and they look so damn impressive!

Not only have I revamped my bedroom and my house but I have revamped ME. My other purchases have seen me purchase around 20 new CD's, a whole entire new wardrobe of clothing, a complete new range of make up and skin care. I love my new wardrobe of clothes and had an absolute ball culling my old items. Is this the new me?

My bed is MY bed, not one that has been shared with a third person (even though she was never physically in my bed, she was in spirit). My house is MY house and the new me is ME. I have felt very cleansed that I have revamped everything, the way I want it. I did not consult my husband and I did exactly what I wanted to do. Even my husband has made comment on the new me and the house. He LOVES them both!

The saddest part of this scenario is that I am back to square one after having come off my retail high. Despite loving my new environment and the new me, the same problems exist. I have discovered the last few days that retail therapy only provides superficial happiness.

I can have the most amazing belongings and clothes to wear but at the end of the day if I don't like who I am, what exactly do I have? I am so blessed that I have the most amazing friends but I think it is time I addressed the issues that the affair has and is causing me. I now realise that retail therapy is a costly band aid approach.

My discovery has made me again question the motive of a mistress. Is an affair providing her with superficial happiness? The more I think about my husband's affair and his mistress the more I am certain this was part of the obsession.

Are mistresses women with low self esteem and the inability to seek things that make them feel good? Do mistresses have underlying issues that see them seek out men that make them feel good about themselves? I mean let's face it, it would be a fairly empowering feeling that you have this man that has vowed to forsake all others sleeping with you, wouldn't it? Is it a power issue that sees a woman become involved with a married man, you know "I've got him" mentality?

My husband is a very lvoeable character. Women adore him and why wouldn't they when he speaks about his love for his wife and children openly in such an adoring way. Why would the mistress not feel absolutely flattered by his attention? Is this giving her the superficial happiness that she is silently craving? And the weekly visits...could they not equate to weekly shopping binges, giving the same feelings? And the phone calls... could they not equate to reading through some trashy mass produced junk catalogue left in your letterbox?

I have always allowed my husband to 'go window shopping' and never felt threatened by him looking at other women. As long as he swiped his credit card at home I did not care where he ventured. I am not insecure or a jealous type personality. My relationship was always rock solid and there was never any need to be jealous or feel threatened by other women.

Perhaps mistresses need to get a gold credit card, then they may not be tempted to swipe the credit card where it shouldn't be swiped! Or maybe the more moral way to deal with their issues is to seek help from a professional.

I know that I need to start addressing the issues that I have, but at least I did not need to ruin a marriage to work out what my issues are.

Pick up a tramp and treat her like a Lady...

2006-07-28T12:59:00.001+10:00

I have been reading some blogs from fellow bloggers that have gone through or are experiencing the aftermath of infidelity.

One of the regular blogs I visit is that of SolarisGal .Today I came across the most amazing comment from one of her regular readers that has also experienced a marriage that ended in divorce, Anne Arky .

I am not sure where she originally got this from but it makes so much sense! I have never really looked at it from this perspective. Maybe the description 'tramp' is a little harsh. What do you think?

..................................................................................

Dear Abby: Why will a married man pick up a tramp and treat her like a lady, then turn around and treat his wife (who is a lady) like a tramp? — Minnie

Dear Minnie: A man picks up a tramp because he wants a female companion who is no better than he is. In her company, he doesn't feel inferior. He rewards her by treating her like a lady.

He treats his wife (who is a lady) like a tramp because he feels that by degrading her, he will bring her down to his level. This makes him feel guilty, so to get even with his wife for making him feel guilty, he keeps right on punishing her."

Years later, a reader asked, "What is the difference between a lady and a tramp?" Mother was stumped, so she asked the readers for their input. Their answers were enlightening — and reviewing them is like looking into a time capsule.

"The difference between a lady and tramp? About three drinks." —Tends Bar in Milwaukee

"A lady goes out, goes home and goes to bed. A tramp goes out, goes to bed, then goes home." — Murph

"The difference between a lady and a tramp is men with big mouths." —Met a Few

"A lady draws a line. The tramp falls for it." —Robert Byrne

"A lady is chaste. A tramp is chased." —Robert From San Diego

"There are no tramps. Only lonely ladies."—Margie From Mansfield

"A lady lies around and sleeps. A tramp sleeps around and lies." —J.S. in Ashland, Ore.

"The difference between a lady and a tramp is discretion. I should know. I've been both." — Rich and Famous

The shoe is on the other foot...

2006-07-22T13:33:00.001+10:00

Boo! I am back! I have been away getting some space but that is another post on its own. Stay tuned!

Anyway, it appears that I have upset the third person in my marriage. She sent my husband an SMS message last Saturday morning making reference to the post on my blog. Whilst it was not threatening, the under tones were extremely nasty, making reference to the Baileys and spa and hoping that 'he got it up' for me.

What has me really curious is why she would be choosing to read my blog anyway. I have never sent her anything suggesting she should read it. I do not identify any parties involved and I am certainly not out to hurt anyone with my blog. She will find nothing sinister because I am simply not that type of person.

Furthermore, why would I be 'out to get her' when she no longer exists in my mind. I don't hate her, nor do I wish anything nasty upon her or her children. I have moved forward and I am trying to rebuild my marriage and the pain and heartache the affair has caused (note I said the affair...not the mistress).

It does not appear to me that she has been able to move forward. When my husband told me about the affair, she was a blogger. After he decided to come back to me she set up another blog, purely for me to view. It was nasty and vindictive and published intimate details of their affair and details of my sexual relationship with my husband. And to make sure I read it she sent me a very obvious cryptic clue as a comment on my blog to get me to view it.

Well I did view it. I chose to view it. I made the decision to read what she had written and yes, it did cause me pain. She achieved what she set out to do. Well nearly achieved it...because her view was that I would kick my husband out and he would go back to her. Well her behaviour has only made my husband and I closer, so she shot herself in the foot!

Because of the pain that her blog was causing me, my husband and I made the conscious decision not to access it. We made that choice because the content was having a great impact on me. I really do not care what she thinks of me because she is not a significant person in my life. I have no desire to read about the details of their affair, so I made the decision not to access her blog and have not done so for weeks. She could be continuing to blog for all I know and I simply do not care.

My point is that if you choose to do something then nobody else is to blame for your choices and the consequences of your choices. She chose to become involved with a married man, so she cannot hold me responsible for her pain now that he has chosen to go back to his wife. It was her choice, and it is her choice to read my blog.

But I will take this opportunity to quote a passage from her blog published on June 11.

“I have it on good advice from a senior officer of the organization in which she is a mere civilian that I am doing nothing wrong. This is my blog where I vent my pain and anguish at how he has destroyed my life. If she can’t handle the truth, then she just shouldn’t read my blog. There are no names here.”

I guess the shoe is now on the other foot. If the shoe fits then wear it!

I could never be a mistress

2006-07-15T16:30:00.001+10:00

This whole affair has stirred emotions and thoughts in me that I never thought would be stirred. One of the things that I just can't come to grips with is the thought of being a mistress. Despite my morals not allowing me to become intimately involved with a married/attached person I just don't think I could ever come to grips with the emotional side of an affair either.

As a woman I cannot begin to understand why you would become involved with a married man. What goes through your head as a mistress to believe that anything good can come out of an affair? Do you try and justify your behaviour by creating a belief system that supports the affair eg "She treated him horribly" or "She was a lunatic" or "She was into character assassination".

How do you emotionally cope with having sex with a man who is wearing his wedding ring? Do you just accept this or do you try to justify it? Or do you simply say "Hey can you just take your ring off for 20 minutes while you have sex with me?" Are you naive to believe that he wasn't having sex with his wife as well as you? Or do you simply tell him that you don't want him to have sex with his wife, afterall you are all that he desires, so he does not have any need to sleep with her, does he?

And then, there are times that the married man reaches out to his wife with moments of love. For example, when my husband took me to a 5 star hotel and we stayed in the Presidential Suite for the night before taking me hot air ballooning the following morning for my birthday. He did this whilst involved with his mistress so, as the mistress, how would you cope with this, particularly when your birthday comes around and you only get an email or a phone call.

And what about the times that he cried on your shoulder because he treated his wife so poorly? How could you unbiasedly console him in his moment of need? I know you would not want to address these issues as the mistress, because deep within your heart you are hoping that you will spend the rest of your life with him, and this is admitting his fault within the marriage and possibly raising thoughts within him that his wife wasn't all that bad. How would you cope with him confiding in you about the things that he did to let his wife down?

If the relationship was so great wouldn't you expect to spend QUALITY time together? Wouldn't you want to be taken out socially and share really meaningful moments? Or maybe these things just aren't important when you are simply the "I've got a spare 5 minutes" filler. Would you feel used and abused? Or perhaps even rejected when he leaves you to go home to his wife and family?

Wouldn't you want more than an empty relationship? Would you not doubt whether or not he would do the same to you? How would you tell your friends and family..."Well at the moment he is married but he is going to leave his wife and kids soon and move in with me." With societies views on infidelity are you not setting yourself up to be judged and ostracised?

I understand that there would be promises made and lies told but would you not question the nature of the relationship from the outset? As a woman I know that I would want more than an affair could possibly offer. I don't think the excitement of getting caught would ever be enough for me to become involved with a married man. The implications for me and my children would be enough to steer me away from becoming involved with any married man, let alone adding my morals to the equation and having to live with the knowledge I helped to break a family unit apart, as well as destroying my own family unit once he goes back to his wife and children.

I know I would never be able to cope with being tucked away in a shoebox at the back of a closet. I just could not do it!

If you love something ....

2006-07-14T21:00:00.001+10:00

We are all familiar with this verse written by an unknown author.

If you love something set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns,
It was never yours to begin with.

Well I can honestly say that I loved my husband enough to set him free when I found out about the affair. He actually told me he was in love with her, so as hard as it was, I told him to go if that was truly where he wanted to be. I have since told him this same thing again, probably 3 times in total.

And yet he remains here with me, wanting desperately to rebuild our marriage.

Shouldn't that tell me something? Why then am I still doubting his love for me? The flowers that he brings me, the romantic nights together, the love notes he leaves on my bedside table, the emails and SMS messages he sends me, the hugs and the constant flow of compliments......why are these not enough to ease my mind? Why am still feeling so unloved?

Tonight he has gone for an hour drive just to get me a bottle of Baileys and a Krispy Kreme donut, simply because I wanted one. And when he returns we are going to have a wonderful candlelit spa together, drinking Baileys on ice and listening to our wedding CD, like we often do, before watching a couple of DVD's.

We are watching "As Good as it Gets", starring Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt, because this is what we saw on our first date together. And we also have "A City of Angels", starring Nicolas Cage and Meg Ryan, because I just adore this movie. It is the ultimate sacrifice for love and it just makes me cry.

However, we will probably argue over which 'chick flick' as he simply adores "The Notebook" as he is a hopeless romantic and wants us to be hopelessly in love as we grow old together.

Well I can say this is the plan, but who knows what will happen!

Thanks but your assistance is no longer required!

2006-07-12T21:57:00.001+10:00

I need to say thank you. You have breathed new life into my marriage. You were the much needed rescusitation and now my husband is breathing freely he has discarded you, the mask that was smothering him.

Only you still somehow keep trying to pump oxygen, despite the efforts of my husband and I to completely shut off the valve. Do you not realise that there is no oxygen left in your tank? Why not put yourself out of your misery and realise that your endless attempts to pump oxygen is only pumping toxic air into my husband's mask.

But then perhaps you should just keep pumping the toxins into him so I can continue to cleanse his soul. When he comes home to me and hugs me I wash away every toxin that you have covered him in. When he kisses me passionately I am breathing pure oxygen into his system and he breathes clean air once again. And need I state what it is that I give him when he makes passionate love to me.....

Will this never end?

2006-07-07T17:42:00.002+10:00

A comment was made on my previous post from a blogger claiming to be a friend of the third person.

It stated "She just wants all of this to be OVER!"

...................................................................................

From: the mistress
Sent: Wednesday, July 05, 2006 4:22 AM
To: my husband
Subject: new website

you look beautiful....I just want to kiss you

..................................................................................

It does not appear that she does want it to be over!

This is a copy of the email that was sent to my husband's work email with regard to his new website which has a pic of him. This email mysteriously appeared in my inbox, sent from an anonymous person claiming to once again be a friend of the third person.

What is your motive? I simply do not understand. If you want this to be over why do you continue to contact my husband? Are you of the opinion that I will leave my husband so you can have him back?

Oh...and the only thing I have edited is the email addresses so as to not identify the parties involved.

Totally blown away!

2006-07-04T21:14:00.001+10:00

WOW! I am totally blown away by all the emails of support I have received! It appears that 'Totally Shattered' has a rather large following. I thank each and everyone of you for your emails to check that I am OK.

I was rather angry as you have already gathered by reading my posts. You should read the drafts I have! Maybe one day I will publish them, but then again, maybe I will just hit the delete button.

My blog is not intended to hurt anyone. It is purely an avenue for me to vent my thoughts and feelings as I try and rebuild my marriage. If my blog prevents just one person from experiencing or subjecting someone else to the pain of infidelity then I have achieved something significant.

I acknowledge that my blog is essentially a 'read only' blog with not a lot of room for comments. But rest assured, as asked in emails, I am more than happy for you to comment providing you have something constructive to say.

A beautiful email of support I received indicated that there are three sides to infidelity, not just two. I don't think this blogger had thought about the innocent party's side. But let me assure each and every person, despite all having their own spin on the affair, the only thing in common these 3 persons have is pain and heartache.

I have been doing it tough the last few days so my husband took the day off from work yesterday, which he has NEVER done before, and we had a wonderful day together. I am feeling much better and I will be back later in the week.

Thanks again for all your words of encouragement and support.

shattered

you live you learn

2006-07-02T14:53:00.001+10:00

And one just for any person thinking about getting involved with someone that is VERY attached! Great lyrics...don't you think??

"You Learn" by Alanis Morissette
Track 7 from Jagged Little Pill

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

I recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyone
I certainly do
I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time
Feel free
Throw it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)
Hold it up (to the rays)
You wait and see when the smoke clears

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

Wear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)
Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)
The fire trucks are coming up around the bend

You live you learn
You love you learn
You cry you learn
You lose you learn
You bleed you learn
You scream you learn

You grieve you learn
You choke you learn
You laugh you learn
You choose you learn
You pray you learn
You ask you learn
You live you learn

Having a shocker!

2006-07-02T13:15:00.001+10:00

Today I am having a shocker....really angry and hurt. Cried last night whilst you just hugged me. Can't really write .....just need to vent.

I think this says it all! Alot of it is appropriate to our situation, but some of it isn't. I guess the overall sentiment is reflective of my current state of mind.

"You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette
Track 2 from Jagged Little Pill

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

The small reassurances that you give me are of little comfort.

"She is nothing to look at" does not make it any easier.

Now that you have tasted sex elsewhere comments such as "It could never be this good with anyone else" just don't cut it either.

You say she is like me....well I beg to differ because I have MORALS and I don't frequently drink myself into a stupor! Nor do I send fake positive pregnancy tests. Nor do I tell my impressionable children lies that could emotionally scar them for life.

But I am going to stop there because I am better than her and don't wish to publicly humiliate an already low self esteemed being.

Now I have vented hopefully tomorrow I will be feeling better.

Ain't no bed of roses

2006-06-29T22:45:00.001+10:00

Tonight I have had a night of reflection. I have re read my posts and I am amazed at how I have held myself together. You must be thinking that I am so strong. Let me assure you that this journey is no bed of roses. There are sharp and vicious thorns waiting to pierce at any moment. There is raw emotion here, tearing at me on a daily basis.

I am weak and very vulnerable. I am extremely fragile. It feels like I am wandering aimlessly in the deep forest at night, alone. I hear every little noise and react.

I hate who I have become. I am untrusting and disbelieving, even as you assure me how much you love me and how sorry you are for causing this pain. It seems like I am watching your every move, a feeling I am not used to as we have always had a very trusting relationship where each person was their own being. I feel consumed by distrust and detest the overpowering feeling and burden this is placing on me.

Ironic that you are my support at the moment, hugging me and consoling me as I deal with this pain. You caused the pain and yet you take it away so freely without hesitation. There are days when I don't want you near me and you accept this. You read the unspoken word well and you venture over to me and hug me, only to have me dissolve into tears against your chest.

I have good days and I have bad days. There are days when I want to scream at you but somehow I hold it all in. I know I have to restrain myself from spitting venomous comments at you if this is going to work. I know I cannot be angry with you forever, but right now you are happy for me to be angry with you. You are just so grateful for being given another chance.

The morning after

2006-06-28T21:37:00.001+10:00

Well it certainly wasn't a typical 'morning after', but yet it felt like we had just met. There was a different feeling between us that I simply cannot find words for to accurately describe.

You had left for work by the time I got up. You called from work to thank me for giving us another chance. It was obvious you were extremely emotional. You could not wait to get home to me and actually left work early to come home.

When you arrived you knelt in front of me and placed your head in my lap. There was no need for words as you sobbed uncontrollably for an extended period of time. I tried to comfort you but you were beyond consoling. You simply sobbed in my lap whilst I ran my fingers through your beautiful soft curls.

When you finally looked up at me my heart melted. Why were you the one with the pain in your eyes? Your tear streaked face looking up at me made me realise why I had fallen in love with you all those years ago. And then you spoke to me, in a voice that was filled with pain. All you could say was "I am so sorry" and "Thank you for giving me another chance".

You apologised for failing me as a husband and treating me so poorly. You quoted Jack Nicholsan and said "You make me want to be a better man". Ironic really when "As Good as it Gets" was the movie we saw together on the night that we met.

You struck at my heart when you told me "I have just stabbed you, and stabbed you, and stabbed you. I cannot believe how badly I have treated you. I am so sorry."

You continually said "I cannot believe how much you love me. Thank you for loving me." You were like the little lost boy that had finally made his way home to the comfort of familiar surroundings and unconditional love.

I think you and I both found our way home on that morning. And most importantly, we both found our reason.

"The Reason" by Hoobastank
Track 8 on the album "The Reason"

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Drifting for so long....

2006-06-25T23:14:00.001+10:00

I will never forget the moment you told me about her. You called me at some ungodly hour of the morning because you were worried about me. You started crying, telling me that you thought I hated you. You were telling me that you loved me and you were sorry. I knew straight away who it was....even you were surprised at my intuition.

I didn't sleep that night and you called me several times and had lengthy discussions with me.

You came to me the following morning and we laid in bed and hugged. You were amazed at my strength and continued to thank me. We spent the day together, and yet you still felt so distant despite your continued apologies for letting me down and constantly hurting me.

That night you called her and advised her that you would not be going back to her. You came to my house and spent the night with me. You held me and kissed me like you haven't done in what seemed like an absolute eternity. We both cried and fell asleep like we used to ......held tight in each other's arms.

Now that I look back on the last 6 months I can't help but think how apt the song 'Drifting' by Sarah McLachlan is to you and your life.

'Drifting' from afterglow
Written and performed by Sarah McLachlan

You've been gone so long all that you know
has been shuffled aside as you bask in the glow
of the beautiful strangers who whisper your name
do they fill up the emptiness?

[Chorus]
Larger than life is your fiction
In a universe made up of one
You have been drifting for so long
I know you don't want to come down
Somewhere below you, there's people who love you
And they're ready for you to come home
Please come home

You walk in a room and the world stops to stare
Mesmerize all who are caught in the glare
Of the spotlight that follows wherever you go
Does it light up the emptiness?

[Chorus]
Larger than life is your fiction
In a universe made up of one
You have been drifting for so long
I know you don't want to come down
Somewhere below you, there's people who love you
And they're ready for you to come home
Please come home

Last night as we lay embracing on the lounge room floor listening to CDs, drinking red wine and bourbon, and chatting about trivial things such as what you were wearing on our first date, I couldn't help but wonder if you truly have returned to me.

My darling husband you have finally come home. Welcome back!

So the pieces finally fit

2006-06-06T14:13:00.001+10:00

So the pieces finally fit together in this puzzle called our marriage. You've been having an affair. I can now make sense of your behaviour for the last 2 months.

This final piece of the puzzle means that all the confusing thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing now make more sense to me. I can see why you have behaved in the manner that you have and why you could not commit to me and would not engage in discussion about our future.

You were caught up between the lust of a new relationship, the sweet tasting forbidden fruit, and the comfort and security of a long term marriage, often sour and bitter to taste unless the fruit is nurtured. There is no wonder you were confused. Really difficult place to be - between a lust filled relationship with someone who does not see the cracks within you and a person that has been through a hell of a lot with you and appears to be quite negative toward you.

I wanted you to have an affair so I could hate you and yet I find myself in an interesting position as I still can't hate you.

I just cannot understand my feelings. I don't feel anything. There is no hatred or bitterness. I am completely void of emotion. I have not cried. I have not screamed or yelled. It is as though I am emotionally blocked. I feel like I am simply existing.

I find myself understanding your actions and of your decision to step outside the boundaries of your marriage. Why? Why am I understanding of this? Why I am I not feeling the pain that goes hand in hand with unfaithful partners? Why am I not riding the rollercoaster of emotions that is usually associated with finding out your partner is having an affair? I have tried to answer these questions but I simply can't. Maybe it is because I have come to realise how much I love you. Maybe I have finally experienced unconditional love. Maybe I am accepting of how my behaviour has contributed to your need to get love elsewhere.

Please do not get me wrong. Just because I understand you straying does not mean that I accept it. I accept your remorse and your feelings of guilt and betrayal. I accept your apologies and that you are experiencing feelings of deceit and manipulation. I guess time will tell if I can really accept the fact that you chose to go beyond the boundaries of your marriage.

I so want to hate you.

2006-05-21T23:34:00.001+10:00

Well it has been a month and I am more confused than ever.

I don't know what you expect or what you want. In fact I just don't know anything anymore.

You say you want the marriage but you don't want to work it out. You say you love me but you don't know if you can make me happy. You say my expectations are too high and yet when I ask you what my expectations are you reply "I don't know."

Is there any wonder I am confused? My heart is broken. Shattered in fact. There is not a single piece in its right place anymore. I am constantly in tears and my face and eyes are red and swollen throughout the day and night. I don't want to go out of my house or even answer the phone. I want the earth to open up and swallow me whole.

The hardest part is that you just do not see my side of the argument. You are so caught up in your work and football that you have no time for me. You just push me aside everyday and tell me I have no right to be angry because you "have never had an affair". Well I wish you would go and have an affair. I want to hate you. I want to hate you so I can try and move forward. But no matter how hard I try I just can't hate you.

I love you desperately, with every shattered piece of my heart. I just detest the way you treat me. You have no time for me. It's all about your job, your football, your mother, your ego. I cannot compete with the persons who adore you because of the self portrait that you have painted over the years. Women love you...you adore your children, you cook, you wash and you iron. What else could your wife possibly want?

What I want is to feel loved instead of the incredible void of emptiness and loneliness. What I want are really simple things that would mean so much. Simple things like my husband hugging me in bed or sitting on the lounge watching a movie with me, going out for dinner or to the cinema, going out for a day trip to the wineries or even just to lay on a rug out in the open air and hug. Or waking up like I did one time with a little post it note stuck to my alarm clock saying that you were thinking of me and loved me.

Simple things.......really simple things. Actions that mean so much but yet are impossible for you to give. Not on a daily basis.....even once a month would be nice. But you don't even have that time available to me and you refuse to find it.

I want to hate you...with all of my heart my greatest desire is to hate you. Maybe that would end the pain and heartache that has consumed my life. Again tonight as I cry myself to sleep I will try and come up with ways to hate you. I just want peace within myself.

How did this happen?

2006-04-22T21:29:00.001+10:00

You left tonight after returning from interstate. Is it for good? I don't know.

I don't seem to know anything anymore. I have so many questions but I guess they will never be answered now. Why? How? When?

Why did our marriage fall apart? How did it happen? And when did it start crumbling?

I can basically answer these questions but I guess it all comes down to perception, doesn't it? And my perception is so different to yours. I guess that is the first real reason our marriage has dissolved.

There was no abuse, well, not physical anyway. Maybe you can call the fact that you did not spend any time with me or treat me like your wife as a form of emotional abuse, but I guess this is a matter of perception isn't it? And lets face it, you did not need to spend time with me cause I was always going to be there in the morning, wasn't I?

I feel so many things tonight. I feel shattered. I feel numb. I feel angry. I feel bitter. I feel sad. I feel hurt. The emotion comes like a tidal wave. One minute I am OK and then the next it just hits me and sees me breakdown into yet another relentless series of tears. I have not eaten for a few days. I just can't. I know I will be sick if I try to eat so I continue to drink fluids to keep going.

I didn't sleep last night. I couldn't. As I lay there I tried to answer the questions that I need answered and I just couldn't stop the flow of tears long enough to drift off to a place of rest, a place where I would be temporarily free from this pain.

I know things have not been good for a while, but I just did not think that it would come to this. You send me mixed messages and deep down I have been praying for you to see what I have been begging you to see. But I guess that is just never going to happen. I know I need to stay strong because I do deserve better and I will break this cycle of behaviour. And if the only way I can do that is to end my marriage then so be it.

I would give just about anything for you to hold me in your arms and love me the way you used to, but I know I have to be strong. Not just for my sake, but for our children as well.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.